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The Secret Game

Inspired by Postsecret (Postsecret.com)and a revealing game of the secret game with my group of friends, The Secret Game is a place where you can post your deepest, darkest secrets as an anonymous comment or image to be posted in the next update.

-No criticizing someone else's secret in a comment
-You may post as many secrets as you'd like
-No asking for the identity of any poster
-You can absolutely add this livejournal as a friend
and feel free to link us anywhere you'd like
-No secret is too stupid
-No debating opinions. This is a place to post secrets, not to prove points.
-Any images can be sent to playthesecretgame@yahoo.com
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Goodbye [Wednesday, December 12th 2007]
This site started out with such good intentions but got way out of hand
So needless to say, this will be my last post

I just wanted to let you all know that I compiled a good amount of the picture secrets into a montage for postsecret.com's new video secret feature. No guarantee that it will make it onto the site, but I tried my best
You can find that video here

So thanks to all who made this site really worthwhile. I'm sorry it had to end
I definitely won't delete the site, so feel free to visit if you want to look back on old posts

Take Care


Update #40 [Sunday, July 8th 2007]
Yes, I understand that it has been almost two months since I have updated this site. It has also been almost a year since I started this site. I'm shocked that people still use it. I am also shocked that after a few weeks of not monitoring there are over 160 comments including some not so nice ones bashing me for not doing something I never said that I would do forever and that I did merely out of the kindness of my heart. It is those types of comments that make me never want to check this site again, and to pretend that it never existed.
It has been nearly a year since I posted a single secret of my own on my livejournal, prompting 30 plus people to do the same. In that year, a lot has changed. That day was the last day that I cut, and the first day that I started using this site as a crutch to keep me going from day to day. I no longer need this site for that purpose. I have the life that I have always wanted for my teenage years and spend my time living it instead of propped up in front of this glowing screen. I am happy.
I am not saying that I am shutting down this site. I am just saying that I am not going to devote my life to it like I once did. I know that this is going to prompt some angry comments but I need you all to realize that it takes nearly 2 hours to post every update. So I am here at almost one in the morning doing this because I need the angry posts to stop.
Because I am not monitoring this site as closely anymore, I need you all to do me one favor: Be nice to each other. I just need you to display some courtesy to the other users and to not use this freedom to criticize those you deem to be not as important as you. Everyone's secret is important. Everyone's life is important. I hope you all can understand that. Thank you

-you couldn't even imagine how happy i am when you're near me.

-I can't wait to laugh in your face tomorrow.

-I think I'd rather have none of these guys like me. It's annoying when 3 of the guys that like you you like back. Decisions are not easy. And I'm not good at them.

-I should have punched you in the jaw and made you bleed you fucking cold cunt bitch.

-I wish for bad things to happen to me, like breaking a leg, or, much worse, getting a brain tumor or something very serious and life-threatening, just so that I'd have a new problem to get attention for, as no one cares what happened in the past, no matter how much attention it is worthy of. I swear though I'm not addicted to attention, I just want for once someone to pity me for something, and since no one even knows about the past, something new and dangerous to my health seems like an acceptable plea.

-YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!!! I feel bad for you but why would you do something so STUPID?!

-When i was apologizing to you, all I could think of is how fucking spoiled you are and how bullshit it was that i had to say "I'm sorry" for something so petty.

-Why is it that when you're younger, you can see someone new, go up to them, say "hey, I like you, do you wanna play?" and next thing you know, you two are building a sandcastle together, when now, admitting that you like someone could potentially ruin the rest of your high school career, and give you a regret to last a lifetime? It really should be no big deal right? Little kids know so much better than silly teens and adults.

-I want your ex and he wants me.
i dont know what to do.

-i just remembered y i dont want to be friends with u anymore and y i didn't 2 months ago.

-I hate it when people make comments about how straight I am. Because I'm almost definitely not..

-Fuck you. You don't even know what the fuck pain is anymore. Go fuck yourself i you do it. Seriously. Just go fuck yourself.

-i'm so scared that something is going to go wrong tonight.

-I've got to stop living in a fantasy world
I don't even think you noticed me there let alone danced with me. Why can't I accept that you never liked me, never will like me, and that's all there is to it?
Oh, and you wanna know why no guys asked me to dance? Because they don't like me! I don't like me! I wouldn't like me if I were a guy (if that makes sense). Guys don't like me, so they don't ask me to dance, period. I'm not this beautiful angelic creature you think I am! So shut up about it already!!!

-A year ago today I met your girlfriend for the first time. Back then, we were together. This is what I don't want to know:
I don't want to know how lost you got on the way to the prom.
I don't want to know if you saw a guy get arrested while your dad asked for directions like we did last year.
I don't want to know if you saw Brian or Tuba Tom or who complimented her on how cute she looked in her prom dress or how sweet you were together.
I don't want to know how cute you were in your tuxedo or if you ever got that curl out of your hair or what color her corsage was.
I don't want to know how crazy the lines were for food and cake, or if her shoes hurt her, or how much you love her.
And I don't want to know how much grinding you didn't do or how crowded the dance floor was with guys and girls practically having sex.
I don't want to know how the afterprom was or if there was a volleyball court in a neon ipod room or how long you guys played or how many asthma attacks she would've had if she were me.
I don't want to know if you gave her the most comfortable sweater she'll ever have.
I don't want to know how many hours you guys spent asleep on the floor of one of the classrooms watching movies or if your mother ended up waking you up.
I don't want to know if there were fountains in the bathrooms or if your parents are printing off pictures from that website.
I don't want to know if it was raining when your dad came to pick you up at six AM.
I don't want to know if your parents prefer her over me.
I don't want to know how late you were up, what time you got home, or if you watched her change into her PJ's.
I don't want to know if she peeked into your room to watch you sleep or if she found you awake instead.
I don't want to know how many times she kissed you, or how many times you kissed her back.
I don't want to know if you watched our sunrise our not.
(The truth is that sunrise will always be mine, reclaimed or not.)
I don't want to know if you cried when she left, or if you mourned the bed where she slept, or if she kissed your tears, or if your sister gave you guys a card for being so cute together, or if some of your things still smell like her.
I don't want to know if you called her your baby or your angel or if you thanked her for the best night of your life.
I don't want to know that you know that I'm still up thinking about you at 2:45 in the morning because whenever my eyes close, I see you.
I don't want to know if she made you feel important.
And I don't want to know if you miss me, because the answer is always no.

-For many reasons, I think this world would be a little better off without me.

-23 out of the 90 posts in the last update were from me, and it absolutely sickens me. Thats more than 1 per every 4!!!

-She wants me to stay home, because I can't handle college pressure "on my own." Well fuck that because the whole reason I break down here is because Plainview is living hell, and the farther away I go, the more sane I'll be.

-I was insanely jealous of you guys with all of your flirting and such. I hope that you couldn't tell.

-My life would be so much better if I had been alive for the summer of love.

-yeah, you are amazing. =)

-i really wish i was you. you may not have the perfect life, but you sure do have great friends that will last a lifetime.

-you're actually not that important. to anyone. you pretend to be SO BUSY all the time, that you have MANY THINGS TO DO, but seriously...shut the fuck up. just because you run everywhere doesn't make people believe you have huge responsibilities. accept that you are, in fact, a stupid little turd. you need to recognize that your big ego is not deserved. in fact, no ego is deserved. you're just another worthless choir asshole. chill the fuck out.

-I wish I knew why you were so angry with me. All I did was find out what you said about me. That's it. I didn't call you any name you didn't deserve. Hell I only called you arrogant and that's not an insult. It's the truth.
The song Complicated by Avril Lavigne reminds me of you now. Four years ago I never could've imagined you'd turn into this.
What happened to you?

-Even when someone blatantly tells me that they want to hang out or that they like me, I never believe them. I'm always paranoid that they feel they have to be around me out of obligation. I never call them because I don't want to be that annoying person who they don't really like but they feel like they have to pay attention to out of pity. This is why I can't get really close to anyone.

-one of the reasons i stopped going was because of you. it used to be my thing, my place, my sanctuary, and then somehow you ended up there, and constantly received praise for being excellent beyond anything i could do. i purposely tried to go when you wouldn't be there, but you always showed up, grabbing the spotlight in the room. you ruined what i once loved, and now that i'm left without it, i miss it even more, but couldn't bare going back with you there. thanks a lot.

-Stress wasn't ego assertion last I checked, and yet I'm noticing it in everyone. Self included. Fucking weird.

-Just shut up and smile (even when everything is wrong). It's easier to explain.

-In high school, so many people spend time trying to be someone else, but what do you do when you have to spend time trying to be yourself while everyone else thinks you are someone else?

-Dear Alex,
Call me foolish for writing this, rather than just talking to you, after all, you *probably* could figure out who I am. I think I’m writing this because I never say things the way I want them to sound though, and written will be less awkward.
Anyway, congratulations and great job with tonight’s a cappella concert. It was very good. Also, I’m not sure exactly what word to use, congratulations again I suppose, on the achievement you’ve had, creating the night, donating to a charity, along with controlling everything so it goes off without a hitch. You have some true dedication to the groups and event. I really wish I could have been in it; you look like you’re having so much fun performing. I’d try out if I could even remotely carry a tune. But, nevermind that.
I just think that you deserve a lot of recognition for what you do and put together. I’d like to tell you all of this in person, I’m just too shy to (which is ridiculous considering who I am, or more to the point, who people think I am). To sum this whole thing up though, from one friend to another, I’m proud of you, and wish you only the best. :)
P.S. If you do know who this is, don’t actually tell me please. For what are kind of trivial reasons, I’d be embarrassed (it took me a few hours just to decide to post this), so just leave this matter at the secret game if you will.

-I am so depressed that even the zoloft commercial makes me want to commit suicide

-Alex should be choir manager.

-The fact that half of your arm hair is shaved off makes me smile.

-Why can't you at least tell me what exactly ended our friendship? This is a bit unfair...

-I was thinking about you in the shower.

-I think I'm gonna just let you have it and put an end to all of this.

-I wish I could truly hate you and mean it, but I'm still thinking of you always and of how much I just want look at you and have you you back at me. And then, I will be satisfied.

-My heart knows it's still winter.

-I had another dream about you last night. They are always so pleasant. i think you were reading a book on a bed and I scooched over to see what you were reading and to read a bit over your shoulder. You turned around, hugged me, kissed me on my cheek, and smiled. I enveloped you in a huge hug then, and for that moment, everything was right, and life was calm.

-Can you believe that after all this time, I'm still not completely over her? I don't even like her anymore, but I still love her.

-I couldn't begin to count how many times I've read the lines to that book, but I still seem to cry each time I read it over. 

-The fact that all of your arm hair is now shaved off makes me smile even more.
...actually, it just makes me laugh hysterically. You're so cute.

-You made me smile today =)

-In my head, sometimes it's already over.

-i want you to make me come over and over again. i know you can.

-I've been wondering if you've been thinking about me at all recently. I've been seeing much more of you lately and your presence is just really comforting... I love having you around. you're adorable. <3.

-I can't stop looking at that picture of us together and noticing how honest your smile is, and how genuinely happy we both are. Maybe I could be the one to make you that happy every day. I wish you'd take me.

-I'm done with cutting, but I feel like I have to tell you that I used to do it in order for us to have an honest friendship. The thing is, you've told me many times that you have huge problems with it and that it scares you. So I haven't told you about my own cutting because I want to protect you from that...but I feel like our friendship is almost fake because I can't tell you. So here's my secret...
Every time I'm with you I feel like I'm lying about something.

-everytime you text me i get a thrill; i love how you speak, even in texts. i feel so happy when i`m talking to you, when i see you. i really want to be with you. but i would never say so... i just wish you saw me like that..and i if you did, you`d make it a little more obvious for me. i`m kind of relationship-slow. :P

-I know I'm better than you

-I love you so much!

-I'm tired of wishing upon a star.
I'm tired of glances from afar.
I'm tired of dreams of you and me.
I'm tired of pretending what will never be.
I'm tired of feeling silent pain.
I'm tired of hoping things will change.
Because in the end, it's always the same.
And you have no idea.

-i'm going so far away...it would mean a lot of my friends or even acquaintances could just let me know if i've made a difference to them. or if they really would stay in touch with me.

-That song was about you! AAH!

-I will not miss you at all.

-With a spell, I cast you away.
So as you live your life, and I live mine, our paths no longer will entwine.
And no more sufference to my heart, from now on, my love's depart.
Upon a slip of paper, I scribbled your name, and watched it burn as I lit the flame.
I hope I am freed.

-We are John Adams and the Midnight Judges. We are the ones responsible for those weird notes you get all the time. Buahaha.

-My self esteem just died 50000 times

-wtf was paltrowitz thinking??? why isnt rachel alexa and josh on exec board? why is randy there when everyone knows he hasnt done shit and larissa did all the work this year for the website? why did some of the worst behaved people in chior get the best positions? WHY IS DORIAN A SECTION LEADER???? most importandly what has pal become?

-When the boat flipped over the other day, for a moment, I swore I was going to drown, because the boat was holding me under the water, like he did so many years ago.
I love the water but even so there's always going to be that constant, underlying fear


-one of my biggest fantasies is making out with someone in the middle of a loud concert. ideally aerosmith or something.

-I'm done trying to make things right. Get a fucking maturity level and stop taking out your emotional neediness on other people. The ball is in your court now because I've given up


-im not a whore
im just so afraid of being alone

-I hope this summer will be more special/fun/interesting than the past 16. That's not hard to do, so I'm hoping it will be done. Maybe something will change.

-I'm so jealous of that student who you said was like your daughter. I wish I could be her instead.

-I think Jake Walter-Warner is dumb.
I think his newspaper articles suck.
I think his poem in Images was retarded.
He's such an idiot, both his ideas and his writing are crap.
What a waste on the planet.

-You are such a bitch. I'm so excited that I won't have to deal with you next year. :)

-I am a bitch. I am more than excited that I won't have to deal with you all next year.

I attempted suicide on Friday night. obviously it didn't work.
I'm not sure if I wanted it to or not.

-happy father's day!!!
you son of a bitch.

-My dad won't be alive to get a card that says Happy Father's Day Grandpa!
It makes me cry but a part of me is relieved that he's going so soon, before I have to start explaining things.

-i hate myself.
most people around me make me feel like a subordinate one-inch high being that they so graciously allowed to share their space with them.
others make me feel like the biggest asshole in the entire world.
and others leave my mental being alone and make me feel physically revolting.
but mostly, its not even other people who make me feel like that- its my own perception of myself that im allowing to slip through a few words they say and translate to mean what i said above, even if they don't think that themselves.
and while this secret is almost completely incoherent because i didn't bother editing it to make sure people would understand what i meant, i need to apologize to the people that im a complete ass to, and thank the people that treat me like an idiotic worm.
i am such a worthless bag of shit on the earth.
i hope i die. 

-im so in love with you. im such an idiot. i dont deserve you.

-The next one of my "friends" who criticizes me for dating him is going to lose a fucking limb. I'm sick of this bullshit from people. What, do you think that just because you don't like him means that I should dump him? Uh, no. Please do the world a favor and get yourself off that pedestal that you put yourself on and lose the ego. I am happy. He makes me happy. BE HAPPY FOR ME.

-I have my regrets but I'm proud of myself. Maybe I have enough restraint to not wind up like him.

-I want more people to know. I want more people to want to know. I want to hear those words again. They made me feel good.

-okay, so if you love me then tell me that you do. or kiss or something. leave me a note. I`D LIKE TO KNOW. but if you don`t then stop this. then you`re only going to hurt me. i think i`ve fallen in love with you...

-You're a hypocrite. Stay out of my business. I can take of these things by myself. The End.

-You're done with me but I'm still in love
It's a really shitty feeling.

-I should be allowed to feel disappointed and to pity myself, but instead I only worry about the inconveniences and sadness I'm causing you.

-i can`t help it, but mexican people scare me.
no, really. they do. a lot.

-I'm still fucking in love with you.
And I'm sorry but I started cutting myself again.
I can't handle this by myself anymore.

-i hope the car (the one that has an engine prone to exploding) blows up with you in it
oh wait oops!
thats not a secret
gail colatrella i hope you die
your gay daughter

-I didn't go to your party because I didn't want to have to see him with his girlfriend again...and I had no ride.


Update #39 (Wayyy overdue) [Tuesday, May 15th 2007]

-They say that good guys date hot girls and marry cute girls
But when you're one of those cute girls....
It just sucks waiting...

-Just know I'm waiting for your im

-I wish I was one of those girls with fun quotes from her best friends on the bottom of her profile.
I wish I was one of those girls with best friends.

-I wish you would just call. It's been three days and you're making me extremely nervous. What should I be doing differently?

-I don't know why I always end up being the other girl...but I'm getting sick of it.

-hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there.
i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this,
like every inch of me is bruised. and don't fly fast,
oh pilot can you help me, can you make this last?
this plane is all i got so keep it steady now,
cause every inch you see is bruised.

-You give me chills, in a good way though. I love you. 

-I double and triple think about every little word I im you, just to make sure I don't say anything wrong. And just so you know, I never really have a question...I make it up to initiate a conversation with you; not that they ever last very long...but for a moment, I made you think of me.

-sure, i'm a fucked up girl with a huge screwed up past, but i still wish someone would give me the chance to be myself, instead of the preconceived notions people have of me. then maybe someone could see that despite all the mess, i'm worth being friends with.

-i shouldn't want you...and i've never wanted you before...you're not my type..too cocky..too confident...out of my league
but i do
..and rest assured, i have no problem going after what i want ;)

-Every moment I've spent with you has been the best moment of my life. Even the time when I was crying. I love you, I love you, I love you.

-i've never really loved anything
except being on stage
i wish i could live forever in that moment of character, and applause.
when that moment is over, i always cry. i know ill miss it. i know nothing else on earth can ever make me feel as complete as i feel when im up there

-I secretly wish that all those times you walk past me and say hi, you'd actually stop to talk with me instead.

-i recently realized that i hate you. a lot. youre such a fake dl slut. stfu. no one cares that you cut yourself. i hope you do it more often.

-I did it for you. Because I thought you would be proud of me.

-I love staring at you. I'm trying to stop liking you but you're so nice to look at.
Ugh why couldn't it have been you?

-I tired so hard to avoid you noticing me, because I didn't want to explain. But because you did and I didn't really acknowledge you, I feel awful. Even if it really shouldn't mean anything, it's just all my imagination and wishes.

-I always get what I want from guys. I don't even try. Even if it takes a bit I get everyone I want.
It makes me think I'm going to eventually get you too. I hope you don't ruin my perfect record.

-I have a buddy alert for when you come online, just so I can stare at your screenname wondering what you're doing, and hoping whatever it is will involve iming me. 

-I used to never even check this site. Then I would check it on occasion, never post. Then I posted once or twice, and checked more frequently. And now, as I see how many secrets of mine have gone into the past few updates...it scares me. And now this is another.

-Thank you.

-How can people tell me to be optimistic when everywhere I turn I'm constantly being put down? I would love to find something that I am truely happy about, something good. But I've gone over my life so many times, and there's nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

-I've told myself over and over again to the point where I'll finally believe it...I've told myself that I'm not in love with you, that you're simply my good friend.
But really, I'm fuckin' in love with you, man. And there are times when you look at me, really look at me, really stare into my eyes and I swear, I can see, for a split second, that you're finally falling for me as well.
Too bad you've just dove into a relationship with a girl who will never be as good for you as I could be. Just one chance, just once let me love you.

-I read this site and postsecret when I should be writing an 8page paper that is due in a day and a half.

-I go into withdrawal when I don't see you for long stretches of time. Meaning I literally lie in my bed shaking and calling out your name and making my parents wonder what the hell kinds of drugs I'm on.

-fyi, there is a hell of a lot under my exterior. i just never say anything about it and cover up, very well, any possible emotion to hint to it.

-You see there's this boy, who I maybe kinda sorta head-over-heels -like- love, but he doesn't know, and I'm too shy to say anything.

-Please, remember me

-I've never been the angry-jealous type when it comes to guys. If a girl started flirting with a guy I liked, I'd never feel anger towards the girl. And then I saw you with him. I had heard that you wanted to get in his pants and that you were going to go for him, no matter how out-of-bounds he may be, but I didn't actually think you'd try anything. And then there you were. You were only chatting with him, but anyone could blatantly see that you crossed the line of "casual talk" and into the land of "talking while seductively messing with his mind". The hair flip, girlish giggle, showing off your boobs; you name it, you did it. I shouldn't have been mad at you. It's not like you know I have a huge thing for him. And yet there I was, beginning to seethe. I couldn't stand seeing you with him, not in the slightest. It ripped me to pieces inside and all I wanted was to throw something at you, preferably something heavy and sharp. Don't you get it? I love him! You just want to sleep with him. I would give my world for him to be happy. Just leave him alone before I explode!!!

-I've thought about what I'm going to do when I have to leave for college and I won't get to see you anymore. I won't be able to send you emails, because you asked us not to, and I won't be able to call you on the phone, because that would cross the line of what's appropriate.
Sometimes when I think about what I'm going to do, the only viable option is suicide, or hiding out, or running away.
However ridiculous or warped or disgusting or pathetic it is, I can't live without you. I'm so scared.
Something about you lights everything on fire but makes me feel like I'm standing out in the rain at the same time. When I feel like I'm worthless, you always push me to be a better person in character and in capability. And the thing is, you're always right about me. You have such high expectations of me, and I always manage to live up to them somehow. But I don't think I could be so brave and compassionate and understanding if it wasn't for you. You give me my strength and a richness that I've never seen in myself before. You inspire me to be a better person and to make things happen in my life. How can I give that up?
For whatever reason, I love you. The time when I have to say goodbye to you is looming ahead, and I'm never going to be ready for it

-Do you know how you can be talking to someone about something, and then stop, trailing off, although you are thinking something that you really wish you would just say out loud, but aren't sure if it's appropriate or if you should or something, but you really wish that you could continue speaking, or that someone would ask what you are thinking about, what you're hiding, because it seems so obvious that more is on your mind than where you ended the sentence? Yeah, that's about how I always seem to feel. Can someone please notice already and ask? I swear I won't be offended. And if I reply that it's nothing...don't believe me; trust me it's something I'm just terrified of confronting.

-Though this isn't my first Day of Silence, there was something bugging me more today than ever...
How is one person's sexual orientation anyone else's business, and WHY WOULD IT MATTER?! I mean, who the hell decided that a girl can't like a girl or guy can't like a guy? What difference does it make? It's not like it is harming anyone. Why should it matter who someone is attracted to? What are there cooties? It's no one's business just like it's no one's business to know what happens in a heterosexual relationship unless someone willingly tells others. But what's the fucking big deal about homosexuals?! Why must society even classify them as different? Are people afraid of their best same-sex friend suddenly trying to rape them? Girls and guys can be normal friends, even if all parties involved are heterosexual, so obviously so can girls and girls or guys and guys, even if all are homosexual.
Honestly, what the fuck is happening to this world?

-you are sitting behind me right now, and i don't even think you know that you are my whole world and will always be with me. you are the rest of me that i've always been looking for. hearing your lips smacking as you eat that gross ham sandwich makes me happier than anything, ever; being with you is being perfect.

-Mr. Paltrowitz. I felt like I was choking on every note today. I haven't hated choir so much since...ever. I feel dirty and disgusting for singing today. And as much as I'd like to blame it on myself for being a push-over, it's not my fault. I couldn't even talk to defend myself! I feel like punching your brains out, you whore!
Okay. I feel better. The shirt you were wearing was a good colour for you, by the way.

-Maybe if I was just a little bit thinner....

-I wish you had a crush on me again. When you did, we were so close and we always talked. Now I feel like you've completely brushed me off. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. Whenever you find a new girl, you have this tendency to brush off the old girl and everyone who you befriended because of her. Do I even matter to you anymore?

-I could definitely see us together.

-Nobody thinks I'm worth it.

-I wish that could have been for me. I really miss you for some reason.

-I really need you to fuck my brains out. Right now.

-I really wish I could go to the top of a mountain and scream out, "I LOVE YOU [your name]!" My luck however would cause an avalanche, and I'd die before the echoing reached you.

-Dear Randy Brachman,
your away messages always suck.

-I find it funny that you're a vegetarian all of a sudden. I truly enjoy the look on your face when you see a big, juicy hamburger. (Come on, you know you want one!)

-Here's a fun fact: YOU'RE A DIPSHIT!

-I don't understand why I keep falling for the wrong guys. Whether they're ex boyfriends, or like/are dating someone else, totally out of my reach or some combination...
It's so annoying!

-Whoever I love in the future will have to deal with only having half my heart. In a way, you'll always be the one for me.

-I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was that I can't wait for school today so I can see you.

-I still want to kiss you.

-As disgusted as I am with you, and as much as I never want to speak to you ever again, if you asked me if I wanted to do stuff, I would probably still do it after a split second of hesitation even though it would be the dumbest decision ever.

-May 19th 2007. Probably going to be up there on one of the most awkward nights ever. Yep . .

-i put every love song on my ipod into a playlist labeled with your name.


-I keep getting mad at you for small things. I wake up in the morning pissed off and expecting you to apologize and when you don't I get even more upset. I hope this isn't an omen.

-I hope it's true.

-I love your laugh your smile you glances at me, absolutely everything about you

-i was never close enough with anyone to ask them this. does anyone else besides me pretend that the person they like is in the mirror and kiss it?
this isn't really a secret, but it's like a secret question, so don't yell at me.

-Doesn't it seem a bit strange that whenever you look over at me, I'm already looking at you? Haven't you noticed that I'm constantly staring with pleading eyes trying to tell you what's inside? Trying to tell you my whole life and deeper? I don't know if you're oblivious, don't see it as anything unusually, or are perhaps thinking that there's something more, but please tell me if you are debating if it is coincidence or not. Everytime I look at you, I have something to say, with an underlying meaning of the fact that, I love you...please notice me, I don't know how many more imaginary dreams of you, of us, I can take.

-I AM NOT MEAN BY NATURE. seriously!

-you make it so hard for me to hate you. you act like a bitch and i think to myself, "there's no way she doesn't know she's doing this" and then when you see me the next day everything is supposedly fine and if i look upset you rush to ask me what's wrong. it's such a messed up scheme. a part of me still likes you, and it's great that you're with him but hearing descriptions of everybody you like lately and how you're not convinced you're in love with this one or you're enfatuated with the other one... i just feel it's a bit insensitive and rude. and if you really didn't want to go through with the other thing, you should've just said so instead of letting me anticipate that you might do it.

-I cannot wait for you to come home.

-I want a hug that never ends. I want to stay in your embrace forever, safe from the world, with you squeezing me tight, so that I know you care. I'd be willing to start with just a simple hug though....everyone else hugs you, may I please too? And if so, then maybe you'd notice that my hug to you is different from other hugs, because its filled with all my love, and then, maybe you'd never let go of me. Just never let go.

-you have the cutest arms in the world.

-I wonder if you read this site, and if so, if you know that I not only read this site but post quite a lot, comparatively, on it. I wonder if you've thought if any of the posts are mine. I wonder what you think of me. I wonder if you realize how shy and fragile I am, even though I've done a good job in hiding it. I wonder if you think I'm just an innocent little girl, with virgin eyes and ears are thoughts, naïve to teenage reality, just like everyone else thinks I am. I wonder if, as you read this, if you read this, you are contemplating if I am the author, but doubting it because, this is me you're thinking about after all. I wish you would realize it's me. 

-none of you will ever see me again. i wonder if any of you will wonder how i'm doing, or wish we got to know eachother more.

-I'm afraid that I would lose control over myself again if I ever got too close to you.

-when i'm upset i listen to sad evanescence songs.

-I kind of wish that entry on your livejournal that you wrote sometime in april was for me. I doubt it was though, because it doesn't completely make sense. I doubt that I could have affected you that much

-I miss the old you. No, I'm not stalking you you fucking arrogant retard. I hate what you've become and I regret doing anything with you. I miss the old you. I miss my best friend. I miss the guy that wasn't so lost and obsessed with all this attention. I get so depressed when I see you that I actually try to avoid you. So it's kinda weird that you think I'm following you.
I just want you to be my best friend again. I want the old you back. What we had was so perfect, even just as friends.
I regret fucking it up so badly. You'll never understand.

-Please think of me

-I would love to be able to speak my mind- it hurts to bite my tongue all the time. But no one ever likes what I have to say, so it's better to keep my mouth shut I guess; no one can see internal pain, and outside mockery stings worse, maybe.

-I just hope that, before we graduate next year, I'll be able to tell you. I doubt even on graduation day, when I know I'll never see you again, I'd have the strength to admit it, that, for four years (by then), I've been in love with you. You'd really never guess it, and we'd never get a chance to be alone anyway, we're not that close of friends as it is. And I absolutely hate hoping that things will change, I just can't let go of you for whatever crazy reason. I guess I'm just lovesick, and as I don't get typical "crushes," I'm falling completely for you (please catch me). And listening to all the songs that you love, reminding me of you every moment.
I actually don't think I've ever survived without some sort of love. Not crush, love. Since I can remember, I've thought about someone in my dreams and before I fell asleep. It was one person for the longest of time, I refused to give up, even after going our separate ways. But, I knew I loved you when I had not one problem thinking of you, not him, before I went to bed, as you infiltrated my thoughts and dreams. I had gotton over him, knowing that it wasn't right, but you, you are still with me, and this love, yes love, being older, is going to be a lot harder to move on from. A LOT harder. And there's still that inkling of hope that...maybe I won't have to...but the flicker of light is fading fast, and I fear that my mind knows the truth my heart refuses to accept.
wow. that was a lot it seems.
And what I kinda just realized, is that the reason I am like this, in such need of love that never existed, is that, I really don't have anyone who I can talk to, openly and honestly, without having to seem brave, just being, me. Okay- déjà vu in writing this addition but anyway- I mean, in particular a male person to just hug and feel protected with, I've never felt that. I actually really want to give a life story here but, I won't, I just, I've never felt safe within someone's arms, I've never been within a male's arms, and, I need that. I need to know that there is someone in this world to care for me, and, pardon the selfishness, but, only me. I never had the love that a child should get, quite the opposite, and I wish so much for it. I feel like I'm missing a piece of me, and, I just need someone.
Particularly though, I need you. Maybe I'm just intuitive or maybe I'm crazy, but I, I just know that I need you to be the figure that I never had, well, that's a little skewed but, it's complicated.

-9th period today i didn`t feel like speaking.
i went into the bathroom and i sat there.
i texted "I wonder if anyone's caring where i am right now. what i`m doing."
i deleted it, not sending it to anyone.
i said it out loud.
there was no change, i didn`t feel different.
nobody came into the bathroom. no one.
i glanced at myself in the mirror, hoping it was someone prettier.
but alas, `twas i. and then i left. 

-not lust- i don't really desire much
not greed- i really don't give a damn about material possessions
not gluttony- ha that's funny
not sloth- i hate sitting on my butt
not wrath- i don't show rage
not pride- not exactly miss self confidence here
no. not those.
ENVY is my deadly sin.

-a part of me is still in love with you.

-i don't want to go to my prom
and i certainly don't want to go to my graduation
fuck every last one of you cocksuckers


-I just don't care about my life anymore. It feels so good to not be scared. It's also strange, because I know I should be.

-i needed you too.

-I wonder if anyone realizes that I come home and blast my music- yes normal music i.e. fall out boy, the fray, postal service, etc. - while dancing around like an absolute idiot singing into my hairbrush, until someone comes home that is.

-and maybe, just maybe, if i'm really lucky, and something odd comes over you, you'll ask me to dance even just one dance at junior prom. just maybe.

-When our eyes met across the cafeteria on Friday, and you gave me a half-hearted smile, I was almost wishing that I hadn't ended it. You're a nice boy, and there was definitely something I had liked about you, maybe even loved a little bit.

-i'm not fucking good enough.

-This is the first mother's day where you actually believed me when I told you that I appreciate you. I'm sorry I've cause so many problems lately. You deserve a better daughter than me.

-No, not right now. Not at all.

-my life means nothing without you in it. if you hadn't said you'd forgiven me, i would have found a way to kill myself. i wanted to until you said you still loved me. im so sorry. i have never regretted something so much.

-I don't know what I would have done without you. Probably not that much. Thanks for being so nice to me this year. I know I already told you, but I don't think you understand how much your kindness means to me. I'll always remember you. And when I finally go on my big adventure, I'll be able to thank you for it.

-do you ignore me because i told people make it known that i'm done with you, or because you feel the same way about me?

Update # 38 [Sunday, April 15th 2007]

-I keep refreshing the page in hopes that someone will leave a comment.

-After you hugged me goodbye during 9th period on friday because you knew we wouldn't be seeing each other over vacation, I cried in a bathroom. You were sad because you were going to miss your friend. I was sad because I was going to miss the man I love.

-You could've just fucking said you didn't want to hang out.
I guess one of your obsessions was more important than me.
Thanks a lot you prick.

-im excited for college only because people wont know about all the money my family has.
ill finally be able to know my friends definitely arent using me for my stuff.

-I just woke up, 1am, from another dream about you. You have that water stuck in the ears sorta feeling, when you shake your head and the water is still there, refusing to leave and dulling your senses. Please get out of my head already, because I hate to admit it, the more I dream, the more I fall in love, but with a fantasy that will never amount to anything.

-One of the reasons why I haven't asked you out yet is because you smell funny and I don't know if I could deal with that on a regular basis. You don't smell bad or anything, just...funny.

-I do have a vagina.

-you smile-faker.
i can`t take your lies anymore!

-Those moments where we share a laugh or our hands accidentally touch are what I live for. And the times when your eyes lock with mine, when you finally let go of your inhibitions and just hold your gaze instead of guiltily looking away, I know you live for those moments too.
The truth is right there, swimming in the deepest blue of your eyes. Beneath the mask of indifference that you wear around me, I know you love me too.

-I'm not thinking about you or looking for you, but the second I turn my head my eyes happen to look at you without even realizing, there you are, already looking at me (or in my direction at least). Now I'm sure I made it pretty clear. You are not in my life anymore, and you never will be ever again. You made it pretty clear you felt the same, now why the hell are you always fucking looking at me?

-I can't even last a vacation without you.

-I want you to want me. I don't think much of myself but I do think I'm better than her. And so does everyone else.

-i lied...i love you more than i love the beatles.

- When I saw you were happy I checked your facebook and myspace status to see if you were in a relationship. I'm scared you just haven't bothered to update it.

-I didn't give you a hug when I said goodbye because I didn't want to be too obvious. Now it's all I can think about, because I miss you so much. And because I don't have a life.

-all i wanted was you

-I always wonder what it would have been like if it had worked between us.
I bet we would've been f-ing hot in bed.


-I'm mad in love with you.

-no one else can tell
but i know i am an addict

-Just the fact that it happened is really empowering. Although I wish you were merely a trophy, I'm kinda attatched. But whatever. It's kinda nice.

-even when im surrounded by people, i still feel so alone.
i hate this feeling, this loneliness is eating me alive.

-I can't even walk down streets anymore. All I think about is walking onto the road. Just a few steps into the path of a bus, arms out with a big ass smile on my face, welcoming the thing that will finally end it all.

-You can get any fucking guy you want, so how about you stop flirting with the one I want? Go whore yourself off to someone else and stop hurting me.

-I want to call you and scream at you for being such a selfish person and such a horrible friend. All you care about is getting ass from someone who isn't even good looking and being popular. I may have really fucked up, I may have been a huge bitch but I don't deserve this. None of your old friends do. I hope you die alone.

-I don't have any friends.

-I have loved you in secret for two years, two amazing yet agonizing years. I've tried to move on and live my life without you three times, each time failing spectacularly. Thus, I have come to accept it. I want you, I care for you, I'd die for you. It hurts to admit it, but the acceptance has made me stronger. And now I know I'm strong enough that, when the day comes, I will be able to look into your eyes and tell you the simple truth; I love you.

-Sometimes I'm not sure.

-I. like. you. so. much.

-I hope you're not gay because I want to marry you.

-I collect random obituaries from newsday and save them in my coat pocket.

-What have I done?

-I'm all dolled up so you'll want me back
But I don't want a thing to do with you
And it feels amazing

-You are so annoying in self-centered. You say that everyone else is the problem but really it's all you. You only sit and complain and hell if your friends aren't working out for you at the moment, go out and find some new ones, don't sit around and bitch people out on the internet. Its just not cool. And basically it seems that you're too immature to face somebody and tell them that you're unhappy with something they've done. Seriously, you can pull that off. But you don't. Which is strange and sad.
But either way, I don't report to you. If I was that desperate to tell you all about it, I would've come home and called you or something. You're exactly like the people you complain about.

-I'm sorry you ended up with her. She's a huge bitch and hopefully you'll find someone better once she leaves.

-I love you! Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to say it to your face. Three words shouldn't be so hard to say.

-I'd fuck him in a second but don't worry, I told him I don't do that to my friends. He won't try anything now.
See? That's how it's supposed to go. Next time try it my way. Or even improve my way. 

i`d totally do keanu reeves over you.
like 123895714895 times over. 

-Everyone someone anonymously admits that they love someone on this site, I hope it's you.
Then I remember that you don't read this.
I'm losing hope

-When we get back to school I'm not talking to you. I can't wait for you to say something to me so I can be a bitch and tell you exactly what is wrong with you. I don't even know if I'll miss you. You're not the same. Now you're like everyone else.

-You're the first person who I've talked to openly and honestly in a very long time. It means a lot to me, I'm just too shy to say it.
Thank you.

-you are so UNBELIEVABLY annoying (!!!!!!!!!!)

-you are the first guy that i can't read. sometimes you act adorable and amazingly sweet. yet there are other times when you tell at me that i'm acting like i'm 10 years old and i should act my age. you should act your age too instead of the 35 that you think you are but that's besides the point. you scare me so much because i have no idea what to say any more. i can't tell what your reaction will be to anything. when i think i'm going to get the reaction that i looking for, you surprise me and give the complete opposite and i'm just stunned. i can't rely on monthly conversations from your best friend to tell me what your thinking. you really need to tell me yourself.

-I am so convinced that every guy I've ever dated had ulterior motive.
It's gotten to the point where everytime my new boyfriend tells me how much he loves me, I think
"He must have heard I'm easy..."
I just don't see myself as worth loving

-You're a spoiled brat.

-That was all I could think about for the rest of the day. I tend to jump to conclusions so I hope everything is okay. Why do I worry and care so much!? You barely even know I exist! *sigh* Self-answering the question...because I...I...

-The reason why I chase after people who I have no chance with is because then at least I know I'll never have to get physical with someone. I avoid relationships that could actually happen because I'm so scared of anything that's even remotely sexual.

-Whenever I see the word "sexual", I think of the way my English teacher says it, for some reason. It's like a reflex, and it's kinda creeping me out.

- I want to be skinny again. To the point where I dream about it. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it


Update #37 [Friday, March 30th 2007]

-How many times do I have to say it?

-I fear having to kiss you because your face makes me feel nauseous

-you make me uncomfortable

-I've been replaced with someone that's normal. I really didn't think I was so easy to replace. I guess that was a bit conceited of me.

-I want you.
But it's oh so forbidden.

-I feel like everything I've been feeling is going to explode out of me sooner or later. The hate towards just about everybody, the anxiety I'm feeling because of him, and it'll be so evident how everything's affecting me. But I don't want that to spill out on her. I hope this will end soon.

-If I told you, would you listen? I'm honestly dying to tell *someone.*

-I might drop next year. I really can't be in your class anymore because pretty soon I won't be able to control myself. Not to mention, I'm completely miserable. I don't want to do this, but if something doesn't change by the end of the year, I might not have a choice.

-she's back
that unpredictable and scary side of my personality.
i had it under control for awhile...
but now she's back, and she's scaring me.

-We're broken.
I. Can't. Breathe.

-I hate you. I never should've done that with you. If I didn't you might still have feelings for me.

-i know there's got to be another level
closer to the other side

-just ask me out already.

-I love myself when I'm with you.

-I feel awkward around you.

-the other day someone told me:
youre so negative and picky, youll never find anyone to love.
shes sooooooooo friggin right, i cant even begin to tell you
im so scared im going to be alone forever

-my heart died the day you told me that you didnt care anymore.
you dont even realize what you've done to me

-I can remember all of your outfits (in detail) since Monday, March 5th. I also have ratings them. And each day has a lame title. For instance, March 5th is "Pretty in Pink", March 6th is "Miserable in Mint Green", and March 14th is "Sexy in Cerulean".
...I do not deserve to live.

ahahahha. thats fantastic.

-if you were hated by everyone after they know what you've done and how crappy you could treat another person, a person who worshiped you, and if you were then left alone to fend for yourself i might actually feel sympathetic
but i don't

-I should have asked you to prom.

-I know I might be a little paranoid, but it doesn't mean I'm overexaggerating. When I have a problem, it's real, and I hate it when someone tries to put things in perspective for me, or give me advice. I can't wait until someone listen to what I have to say and accepts my point of view.

-You are 100000x more beautiful without make-up.

-I want to know if you ever think about me but I'm too scared to ask. I know you think about that triangle haired bitch but I really don't think I ever cross your mind.

-what am i gonna say to you

-When you said that you loved me, I know you meant it as a friend. Not gonna lie though, my heart skipped a beat. Or forty. And for a fraction of a second, I thought that maybe I had a chance.

-why is no one in plainview good looking??!?! -_- psh. no one here i even think is remotely date-able. ROAR.

-This morning when I woke up, I lasted 8 minutes before I started thinking about you. Usually as soon as I wake up, you're my first thought. I have a feeling today's going to be a very good day.

-i wish, for once, when someone asked me, "how are you," and i replied, "i'm fine," they would look me in the eye, and say, "tell me the truth."

-Today, I went around school with a smile everywhere, just to see if anyone would realize it was fake.
No one noticed.

-I'm such a good lier...
but I'm so ashamed of it.

-I wish you were still chubby because I feel like maybe then you could like me.

-I wish that everyone else besides you thought I was pretty.

-You...almost made me faint.

-Now I'm going to be the only one who can't give blood. I hate myself so much right now. 

-You are my sunshine. You just don't know it. =]

-how can i want you again? i shouldnt. i went through emotional hell lastime, and its going to happen again.

-First I blatantly tell you that I'm depressed and I have a problem, then I beg you for a therapist (the first time I asked was 2 years ago, mind you), then I confess to you that I haven't been happy since 7th grade, and you have the nerve to tell me to clean my room and gossip with your friends about what a fuck up I am?!
You know what...go suck a fat cock so I don't have to listen to your nonsense anymore. You're the reason I haven't been able to stop hurting myself. Haven't you ever wondered what I do to myself when I run into the bathroom with a knife?
I think you know. You just don't care enough to help me. Yeah, maybe I do just want attention. Of course I want attention. I want help, I want to feel better already, and you're not helping me! All you can do is make me feel crappy about myself. Whenever I do anything good, it isn't enough for you. Whenever I sing or ride my bike or sew or do something I actually enjoy doing, it isn't enough for you. You say you want me to be happy, but that's the biggest fucking lie I have ever heard. You don't care if I'm happy, you care if I have a job that makes money and if I have a husband and I give you grandchildren and raise them to be perfect little Jewish kids who grow up and get jobs that make a lot of money so they can live in a fucking big house and have children so your life would have meant something.
Well none of our lives actually mean anything unless you do what you were meant to do. Why can't you let me figure out what I want to do?! Why can't I have music? I've never had anything else that I can depend on. I know I sure as hell can't depend on you.

-I wish that somebody felt I was worth the chase.

-Whenever you piss me off, I content myself with thinking about your future failures. You will never amount to anything, because you were blessed with both an awful personality and a lot of ignorance. And please, invest in some tic-tacs.

-you guys are so cute... i wish you'd find each other already.

-I really wanna fuck you again. It'd be so much better.

-i usually go w/o a shower for a few days but people always tell me i smell good, so who cares.

-I am so scared that I'm crying every night
And it's quite obvious that you don't care

-you're fing creepy.
i used to kinda think you were nice and a little strange, but you're mad scary.

-I don't really love singing anymore. I mean, I love it because I say I love it and because I always have loved it and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if that ever changed. But I don't get that feeling that I used to get from it. I haven't felt that in ages.

-I am so jealous of you. Envious is more like it actually.

-i wish i could go back to that moment
when we were cuddling on your bed and you told me how you felt
id never felt more loved in my entire life
i would never admit this to anyone, but i miss you.

-I spend too much time wondering what she has that I don't

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