The Secret Game

Goodbye

2007-12-13T01:29:04Z

This site started out with such good intentions but got way out of hand
So needless to say, this will be my last post

I just wanted to let you all know that I compiled a good amount of the picture secrets into a montage for postsecret.com's new video secret feature. No guarantee that it will make it onto the site, but I tried my best
You can find that video here

So thanks to all who made this site really worthwhile. I'm sorry it had to end
I definitely won't delete the site, so feel free to visit if you want to look back on old posts

Take Care
-Laura

Update #40

2007-07-08T05:15:56Z

Yes, I understand that it has been almost two months since I have updated this site. It has also been almost a year since I started this site. I'm shocked that people still use it. I am also shocked that after a few weeks of not monitoring there are over 160 comments including some not so nice ones bashing me for not doing something I never said that I would do forever and that I did merely out of the kindness of my heart. It is those types of comments that make me never want to check this site again, and to pretend that it never existed.
It has been nearly a year since I posted a single secret of my own on my livejournal, prompting 30 plus people to do the same. In that year, a lot has changed. That day was the last day that I cut, and the first day that I started using this site as a crutch to keep me going from day to day. I no longer need this site for that purpose. I have the life that I have always wanted for my teenage years and spend my time living it instead of propped up in front of this glowing screen. I am happy.
I am not saying that I am shutting down this site. I am just saying that I am not going to devote my life to it like I once did. I know that this is going to prompt some angry comments but I need you all to realize that it takes nearly 2 hours to post every update. So I am here at almost one in the morning doing this because I need the angry posts to stop.
Because I am not monitoring this site as closely anymore, I need you all to do me one favor: Be nice to each other. I just need you to display some courtesy to the other users and to not use this freedom to criticize those you deem to be not as important as you. Everyone's secret is important. Everyone's life is important. I hope you all can understand that. Thank you
-Laura

-you couldn't even imagine how happy i am when you're near me.

-I can't wait to laugh in your face tomorrow.

-I think I'd rather have none of these guys like me. It's annoying when 3 of the guys that like you you like back. Decisions are not easy. And I'm not good at them.

-I should have punched you in the jaw and made you bleed you fucking cold cunt bitch.

-I wish for bad things to happen to me, like breaking a leg, or, much worse, getting a brain tumor or something very serious and life-threatening, just so that I'd have a new problem to get attention for, as no one cares what happened in the past, no matter how much attention it is worthy of. I swear though I'm not addicted to attention, I just want for once someone to pity me for something, and since no one even knows about the past, something new and dangerous to my health seems like an acceptable plea.

-YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!!! I feel bad for you but why would you do something so STUPID?!

-When i was apologizing to you, all I could think of is how fucking spoiled you are and how bullshit it was that i had to say "I'm sorry" for something so petty.

-Why is it that when you're younger, you can see someone new, go up to them, say "hey, I like you, do you wanna play?" and next thing you know, you two are building a sandcastle together, when now, admitting that you like someone could potentially ruin the rest of your high school career, and give you a regret to last a lifetime? It really should be no big deal right? Little kids know so much better than silly teens and adults.

-I want your ex and he wants me.
i dont know what to do.

-i just remembered y i dont want to be friends with u anymore and y i didn't 2 months ago.

-I hate it when people make comments about how straight I am. Because I'm almost definitely not..

-Fuck you. You don't even know what the fuck pain is anymore. Go fuck yourself i you do it. Seriously. Just go fuck yourself.

-i'm so scared that something is going to go wrong tonight.

-I've got to stop living in a fantasy world
I don't even think you noticed me there let alone danced with me. Why can't I accept that you never liked me, never will like me, and that's all there is to it?
Oh, and you wanna know why no guys asked me to dance? Because they don't like me! I don't like me! I wouldn't like me if I were a guy (if that makes sense). Guys don't like me, so they don't ask me to dance, period. I'm not this beautiful angelic creature you think I am! So shut up about it already!!!

-A year ago today I met your girlfriend for the first time. Back then, we were together. This is what I don't want to know:
I don't want to know how lost you got on the way to the prom.
I don't want to know if you saw a guy get arrested while your dad asked for directions like we did last year.
I don't want to know if you saw Brian or Tuba Tom or who complimented her on how cute she looked in her prom dress or how sweet you were together.
I don't want to know how cute you were in your tuxedo or if you ever got that curl out of your hair or what color her corsage was.
I don't want to know how crazy the lines were for food and cake, or if her shoes hurt her, or how much you love her.
And I don't want to know how much grinding you didn't do or how crowded the dance floor was with guys and girls practically having sex.
I don't want to know how the afterprom was or if there was a volleyball court in a neon ipod room or how long you guys played or how many asthma attacks she would've had if she were me.
I don't want to know if you gave her the most comfortable sweater she'll ever have.
I don't want to know how many hours you guys spent asleep on the floor of one of the classrooms watching movies or if your mother ended up waking you up.
I don't want to know if there were fountains in the bathrooms or if your parents are printing off pictures from that website.
I don't want to know if it was raining when your dad came to pick you up at six AM.
I don't want to know if your parents prefer her over me.
I don't want to know how late you were up, what time you got home, or if you watched her change into her PJ's.
I don't want to know if she peeked into your room to watch you sleep or if she found you awake instead.
I don't want to know how many times she kissed you, or how many times you kissed her back.
I don't want to know if you watched our sunrise our not.
(The truth is that sunrise will always be mine, reclaimed or not.)
I don't want to know if you cried when she left, or if you mourned the bed where she slept, or if she kissed your tears, or if your sister gave you guys a card for being so cute together, or if some of your things still smell like her.
I don't want to know if you called her your baby or your angel or if you thanked her for the best night of your life.
I don't want to know that you know that I'm still up thinking about you at 2:45 in the morning because whenever my eyes close, I see you.
I don't want to know if she made you feel important.
And I don't want to know if you miss me, because the answer is always no.

-For many reasons, I think this world would be a little better off without me.

-23 out of the 90 posts in the last update were from me, and it absolutely sickens me. Thats more than 1 per every 4!!!

-She wants me to stay home, because I can't handle college pressure "on my own." Well fuck that because the whole reason I break down here is because Plainview is living hell, and the farther away I go, the more sane I'll be.

-I was insanely jealous of you guys with all of your flirting and such. I hope that you couldn't tell.

-My life would be so much better if I had been alive for the summer of love.

-yeah, you are amazing. =)

-i really wish i was you. you may not have the perfect life, but you sure do have great friends that will last a lifetime.

-you're actually not that important. to anyone. you pretend to be SO BUSY all the time, that you have MANY THINGS TO DO, but seriously...shut the fuck up. just because you run everywhere doesn't make people believe you have huge responsibilities. accept that you are, in fact, a stupid little turd. you need to recognize that your big ego is not deserved. in fact, no ego is deserved. you're just another worthless choir asshole. chill the fuck out.

-I wish I knew why you were so angry with me. All I did was find out what you said about me. That's it. I didn't call you any name you didn't deserve. Hell I only called you arrogant and that's not an insult. It's the truth.
The song Complicated by Avril Lavigne reminds me of you now. Four years ago I never could've imagined you'd turn into this.
What happened to you?

-Even when someone blatantly tells me that they want to hang out or that they like me, I never believe them. I'm always paranoid that they feel they have to be around me out of obligation. I never call them because I don't want to be that annoying person who they don't really like but they feel like they have to pay attention to out of pity. This is why I can't get really close to anyone.

-one of the reasons i stopped going was because of you. it used to be my thing, my place, my sanctuary, and then somehow you ended up there, and constantly received praise for being excellent beyond anything i could do. i purposely tried to go when you wouldn't be there, but you always showed up, grabbing the spotlight in the room. you ruined what i once loved, and now that i'm left without it, i miss it even more, but couldn't bare going back with you there. thanks a lot.

-Stress wasn't ego assertion last I checked, and yet I'm noticing it in everyone. Self included. Fucking weird.

-Just shut up and smile (even when everything is wrong). It's easier to explain.

-In high school, so many people spend time trying to be someone else, but what do you do when you have to spend time trying to be yourself while everyone else thinks you are someone else?

-Dear Alex,
Call me foolish for writing this, rather than just talking to you, after all, you *probably* could figure out who I am. I think I’m writing this because I never say things the way I want them to sound though, and written will be less awkward.
Anyway, congratulations and great job with tonight’s a cappella concert. It was very good. Also, I’m not sure exactly what word to use, congratulations again I suppose, on the achievement you’ve had, creating the night, donating to a charity, along with controlling everything so it goes off without a hitch. You have some true dedication to the groups and event. I really wish I could have been in it; you look like you’re having so much fun performing. I’d try out if I could even remotely carry a tune. But, nevermind that.
I just think that you deserve a lot of recognition for what you do and put together. I’d like to tell you all of this in person, I’m just too shy to (which is ridiculous considering who I am, or more to the point, who people think I am). To sum this whole thing up though, from one friend to another, I’m proud of you, and wish you only the best. :)
P.S. If you do know who this is, don’t actually tell me please. For what are kind of trivial reasons, I’d be embarrassed (it took me a few hours just to decide to post this), so just leave this matter at the secret game if you will.

-I am so depressed that even the zoloft commercial makes me want to commit suicide

-Alex should be choir manager.

-The fact that half of your arm hair is shaved off makes me smile.

-Why can't you at least tell me what exactly ended our friendship? This is a bit unfair...

-I was thinking about you in the shower.

-I think I'm gonna just let you have it and put an end to all of this.

-I wish I could truly hate you and mean it, but I'm still thinking of you always and of how much I just want look at you and have you you back at me. And then, I will be satisfied.

-My heart knows it's still winter.

-I had another dream about you last night. They are always so pleasant. i think you were reading a book on a bed and I scooched over to see what you were reading and to read a bit over your shoulder. You turned around, hugged me, kissed me on my cheek, and smiled. I enveloped you in a huge hug then, and for that moment, everything was right, and life was calm.

-Can you believe that after all this time, I'm still not completely over her? I don't even like her anymore, but I still love her.

-I couldn't begin to count how many times I've read the lines to that book, but I still seem to cry each time I read it over.

-The fact that all of your arm hair is now shaved off makes me smile even more.
...actually, it just makes me laugh hysterically. You're so cute.

-You made me smile today =)

-In my head, sometimes it's already over.

-i want you to make me come over and over again. i know you can.

-I've been wondering if you've been thinking about me at all recently. I've been seeing much more of you lately and your presence is just really comforting... I love having you around. you're adorable. <3.

-I can't stop looking at that picture of us together and noticing how honest your smile is, and how genuinely happy we both are. Maybe I could be the one to make you that happy every day. I wish you'd take me.

-I'm done with cutting, but I feel like I have to tell you that I used to do it in order for us to have an honest friendship. The thing is, you've told me many times that you have huge problems with it and that it scares you. So I haven't told you about my own cutting because I want to protect you from that...but I feel like our friendship is almost fake because I can't tell you. So here's my secret...
Every time I'm with you I feel like I'm lying about something.

-everytime you text me i get a thrill; i love how you speak, even in texts. i feel so happy when i`m talking to you, when i see you. i really want to be with you. but i would never say so... i just wish you saw me like that..and i if you did, you`d make it a little more obvious for me. i`m kind of relationship-slow. :P

-I know I'm better than you

-I love you so much!

-I'm tired of wishing upon a star.
I'm tired of glances from afar.
I'm tired of dreams of you and me.
I'm tired of pretending what will never be.
I'm tired of feeling silent pain.
I'm tired of hoping things will change.
Because in the end, it's always the same.
And you have no idea.

-i'm going so far away...it would mean a lot of my friends or even acquaintances could just let me know if i've made a difference to them. or if they really would stay in touch with me.

-That song was about you! AAH!

-I will not miss you at all.

-With a spell, I cast you away.
So as you live your life, and I live mine, our paths no longer will entwine.
And no more sufference to my heart, from now on, my love's depart.
Upon a slip of paper, I scribbled your name, and watched it burn as I lit the flame.
I hope I am freed.

-We are John Adams and the Midnight Judges. We are the ones responsible for those weird notes you get all the time. Buahaha.

-My self esteem just died 50000 times

-wtf was paltrowitz thinking??? why isnt rachel alexa and josh on exec board? why is randy there when everyone knows he hasnt done shit and larissa did all the work this year for the website? why did some of the worst behaved people in chior get the best positions? WHY IS DORIAN A SECTION LEADER???? most importandly what has pal become?

-When the boat flipped over the other day, for a moment, I swore I was going to drown, because the boat was holding me under the water, like he did so many years ago.
I love the water but even so there's always going to be that constant, underlying fear

-VICTORIOUS!!!

-one of my biggest fantasies is making out with someone in the middle of a loud concert. ideally aerosmith or something.

-I'm done trying to make things right. Get a fucking maturity level and stop taking out your emotional neediness on other people. The ball is in your court now because I've given up

-GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME

-im not a whore
im just so afraid of being alone

-I hope this summer will be more special/fun/interesting than the past 16. That's not hard to do, so I'm hoping it will be done. Maybe something will change.

-I'm so jealous of that student who you said was like your daughter. I wish I could be her instead.

-I think Jake Walter-Warner is dumb.
I think his newspaper articles suck.
I think his poem in Images was retarded.
He's such an idiot, both his ideas and his writing are crap.
What a waste on the planet.
Ew.

-You are such a bitch. I'm so excited that I won't have to deal with you next year. :)

-I am a bitch. I am more than excited that I won't have to deal with you all next year.

-I attempted suicide on Friday night. obviously it didn't work.
I'm not sure if I wanted it to or not.

-happy father's day!!!
you son of a bitch.

-My dad won't be alive to get a card that says Happy Father's Day Grandpa!
It makes me cry but a part of me is relieved that he's going so soon, before I have to start explaining things.

-i hate myself.
most people around me make me feel like a subordinate one-inch high being that they so graciously allowed to share their space with them.
others make me feel like the biggest asshole in the entire world.
and others leave my mental being alone and make me feel physically revolting.
but mostly, its not even other people who make me feel like that- its my own perception of myself that im allowing to slip through a few words they say and translate to mean what i said above, even if they don't think that themselves.
and while this secret is almost completely incoherent because i didn't bother editing it to make sure people would understand what i meant, i need to apologize to the people that im a complete ass to, and thank the people that treat me like an idiotic worm.
i am such a worthless bag of shit on the earth.
i hope i die.

-im so in love with you. im such an idiot. i dont deserve you.

-The next one of my "friends" who criticizes me for dating him is going to lose a fucking limb. I'm sick of this bullshit from people. What, do you think that just because you don't like him means that I should dump him? Uh, no. Please do the world a favor and get yourself off that pedestal that you put yourself on and lose the ego. I am happy. He makes me happy. BE HAPPY FOR ME.

-I have my regrets but I'm proud of myself. Maybe I have enough restraint to not wind up like him.

-I want more people to know. I want more people to want to know. I want to hear those words again. They made me feel good.

-okay, so if you love me then tell me that you do. or kiss or something. leave me a note. I`D LIKE TO KNOW. but if you don`t then stop this. then you`re only going to hurt me. i think i`ve fallen in love with you...

-You're a hypocrite. Stay out of my business. I can take of these things by myself. The End.

-You're done with me but I'm still in love
It's a really shitty feeling.

-I should be allowed to feel disappointed and to pity myself, but instead I only worry about the inconveniences and sadness I'm causing you.

-i can`t help it, but mexican people scare me.
no, really. they do. a lot.

-I'm still fucking in love with you.
And I'm sorry but I started cutting myself again.
I can't handle this by myself anymore.

-i hope the car (the one that has an engine prone to exploding) blows up with you in it
oh wait oops!
thats not a secret
gail colatrella i hope you die
love
your gay daughter

-I didn't go to your party because I didn't want to have to see him with his girlfriend again...and I had no ride.

Update #39 (Wayyy overdue)

2007-05-16T01:13:41Z

-They say that good guys date hot girls and marry cute girls
But when you're one of those cute girls....
It just sucks waiting...

-Just know I'm waiting for your im

-I wish I was one of those girls with fun quotes from her best friends on the bottom of her profile.
I wish I was one of those girls with best friends.

-I wish you would just call. It's been three days and you're making me extremely nervous. What should I be doing differently?

-I don't know why I always end up being the other girl...but I'm getting sick of it.

-hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there.
i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this,
like every inch of me is bruised. and don't fly fast,
oh pilot can you help me, can you make this last?
this plane is all i got so keep it steady now,
cause every inch you see is bruised.

-You give me chills, in a good way though. I love you.

-I double and triple think about every little word I im you, just to make sure I don't say anything wrong. And just so you know, I never really have a question...I make it up to initiate a conversation with you; not that they ever last very long...but for a moment, I made you think of me.

-sure, i'm a fucked up girl with a huge screwed up past, but i still wish someone would give me the chance to be myself, instead of the preconceived notions people have of me. then maybe someone could see that despite all the mess, i'm worth being friends with.

-i shouldn't want you...and i've never wanted you before...you're not my type..too cocky..too confident...out of my league
but i do
..and rest assured, i have no problem going after what i want ;)

-Every moment I've spent with you has been the best moment of my life. Even the time when I was crying. I love you, I love you, I love you.

-i've never really loved anything
except being on stage
i wish i could live forever in that moment of character, and applause.
when that moment is over, i always cry. i know ill miss it. i know nothing else on earth can ever make me feel as complete as i feel when im up there

-I secretly wish that all those times you walk past me and say hi, you'd actually stop to talk with me instead.

-i recently realized that i hate you. a lot. youre such a fake dl slut. stfu. no one cares that you cut yourself. i hope you do it more often.

-I did it for you. Because I thought you would be proud of me.

-I love staring at you. I'm trying to stop liking you but you're so nice to look at.
Ugh why couldn't it have been you?

-I tired so hard to avoid you noticing me, because I didn't want to explain. But because you did and I didn't really acknowledge you, I feel awful. Even if it really shouldn't mean anything, it's just all my imagination and wishes.

-I always get what I want from guys. I don't even try. Even if it takes a bit I get everyone I want.
It makes me think I'm going to eventually get you too. I hope you don't ruin my perfect record.

-I have a buddy alert for when you come online, just so I can stare at your screenname wondering what you're doing, and hoping whatever it is will involve iming me.

-I used to never even check this site. Then I would check it on occasion, never post. Then I posted once or twice, and checked more frequently. And now, as I see how many secrets of mine have gone into the past few updates...it scares me. And now this is another.

-Thank you.

-How can people tell me to be optimistic when everywhere I turn I'm constantly being put down? I would love to find something that I am truely happy about, something good. But I've gone over my life so many times, and there's nothing. Absolutely nothing.

-I've told myself over and over again to the point where I'll finally believe it...I've told myself that I'm not in love with you, that you're simply my good friend.
But really, I'm fuckin' in love with you, man. And there are times when you look at me, really look at me, really stare into my eyes and I swear, I can see, for a split second, that you're finally falling for me as well.
Too bad you've just dove into a relationship with a girl who will never be as good for you as I could be. Just one chance, just once let me love you.

-I read this site and postsecret when I should be writing an 8page paper that is due in a day and a half.
eeek!

-I go into withdrawal when I don't see you for long stretches of time. Meaning I literally lie in my bed shaking and calling out your name and making my parents wonder what the hell kinds of drugs I'm on.

-fyi, there is a hell of a lot under my exterior. i just never say anything about it and cover up, very well, any possible emotion to hint to it.

-You see there's this boy, who I maybe kinda sorta head-over-heels ~~-like-~~ love, but he doesn't know, and I'm too shy to say anything.

-Please, remember me

-I've never been the angry-jealous type when it comes to guys. If a girl started flirting with a guy I liked, I'd never feel anger towards the girl. And then I saw you with him. I had heard that you wanted to get in his pants and that you were going to go for him, no matter how out-of-bounds he may be, but I didn't actually think you'd try anything. And then there you were. You were only chatting with him, but anyone could blatantly see that you crossed the line of "casual talk" and into the land of "talking while seductively messing with his mind". The hair flip, girlish giggle, showing off your boobs; you name it, you did it. I shouldn't have been mad at you. It's not like you know I have a huge thing for him. And yet there I was, beginning to seethe. I couldn't stand seeing you with him, not in the slightest. It ripped me to pieces inside and all I wanted was to throw something at you, preferably something heavy and sharp. Don't you get it? I love him! You just want to sleep with him. I would give my world for him to be happy. Just leave him alone before I explode!!!

-I've thought about what I'm going to do when I have to leave for college and I won't get to see you anymore. I won't be able to send you emails, because you asked us not to, and I won't be able to call you on the phone, because that would cross the line of what's appropriate.
Sometimes when I think about what I'm going to do, the only viable option is suicide, or hiding out, or running away.
However ridiculous or warped or disgusting or pathetic it is, I can't live without you. I'm so scared.
Something about you lights everything on fire but makes me feel like I'm standing out in the rain at the same time. When I feel like I'm worthless, you always push me to be a better person in character and in capability. And the thing is, you're always right about me. You have such high expectations of me, and I always manage to live up to them somehow. But I don't think I could be so brave and compassionate and understanding if it wasn't for you. You give me my strength and a richness that I've never seen in myself before. You inspire me to be a better person and to make things happen in my life. How can I give that up?
For whatever reason, I love you. The time when I have to say goodbye to you is looming ahead, and I'm never going to be ready for it

-Do you know how you can be talking to someone about something, and then stop, trailing off, although you are thinking something that you really wish you would just say out loud, but aren't sure if it's appropriate or if you should or something, but you really wish that you could continue speaking, or that someone would ask what you are thinking about, what you're hiding, because it seems so obvious that more is on your mind than where you ended the sentence? Yeah, that's about how I always seem to feel. Can someone please notice already and ask? I swear I won't be offended. And if I reply that it's nothing...don't believe me; trust me it's something I'm just terrified of confronting.

-Though this isn't my first Day of Silence, there was something bugging me more today than ever...
How is one person's sexual orientation anyone else's business, and WHY WOULD IT MATTER?! I mean, who the hell decided that a girl can't like a girl or guy can't like a guy? What difference does it make? It's not like it is harming anyone. Why should it matter who someone is attracted to? What are there cooties? It's no one's business just like it's no one's business to know what happens in a heterosexual relationship unless someone willingly tells others. But what's the fucking big deal about homosexuals?! Why must society even classify them as different? Are people afraid of their best same-sex friend suddenly trying to rape them? Girls and guys can be normal friends, even if all parties involved are heterosexual, so obviously so can girls and girls or guys and guys, even if all are homosexual.
Honestly, what the fuck is happening to this world?

-you are sitting behind me right now, and i don't even think you know that you are my whole world and will always be with me. you are the rest of me that i've always been looking for. hearing your lips smacking as you eat that gross ham sandwich makes me happier than anything, ever; being with you is being perfect.

-Mr. Paltrowitz. I felt like I was choking on every note today. I haven't hated choir so much since...ever. I feel dirty and disgusting for singing today. And as much as I'd like to blame it on myself for being a push-over, it's not my fault. I couldn't even talk to defend myself! I feel like punching your brains out, you whore!
Okay. I feel better. The shirt you were wearing was a good colour for you, by the way.

-Maybe if I was just a little bit thinner....

-I wish you had a crush on me again. When you did, we were so close and we always talked. Now I feel like you've completely brushed me off. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. Whenever you find a new girl, you have this tendency to brush off the old girl and everyone who you befriended because of her. Do I even matter to you anymore?

-I could definitely see us together.

-Nobody thinks I'm worth it.

-I wish that could have been for me. I really miss you for some reason.

-I really need you to fuck my brains out. Right now.

-I really wish I could go to the top of a mountain and scream out, "I LOVE YOU [your name]!" My luck however would cause an avalanche, and I'd die before the echoing reached you.

-Dear Randy Brachman,
your away messages always suck.

-I find it funny that you're a vegetarian all of a sudden. I truly enjoy the look on your face when you see a big, juicy hamburger. (Come on, you know you want one!)

-Here's a fun fact: YOU'RE A DIPSHIT!

-I don't understand why I keep falling for the wrong guys. Whether they're ex boyfriends, or like/are dating someone else, totally out of my reach or some combination...
It's so annoying!

-Whoever I love in the future will have to deal with only having half my heart. In a way, you'll always be the one for me.

-I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was that I can't wait for school today so I can see you.

-I still want to kiss you.

-As disgusted as I am with you, and as much as I never want to speak to you ever again, if you asked me if I wanted to do stuff, I would probably still do it after a split second of hesitation even though it would be the dumbest decision ever.

-May 19th 2007. Probably going to be up there on one of the most awkward nights ever. Yep . .

-i put every love song on my ipod into a playlist labeled with your name.

-bitches.
skanks.

-I keep getting mad at you for small things. I wake up in the morning pissed off and expecting you to apologize and when you don't I get even more upset. I hope this isn't an omen.

-I hope it's true.

-I love your laugh your smile you glances at me, absolutely everything about you

-i was never close enough with anyone to ask them this. does anyone else besides me pretend that the person they like is in the mirror and kiss it?
this isn't really a secret, but it's like a secret question, so don't yell at me.

-Doesn't it seem a bit strange that whenever you look over at me, I'm already looking at you? Haven't you noticed that I'm constantly staring with pleading eyes trying to tell you what's inside? Trying to tell you my whole life and deeper? I don't know if you're oblivious, don't see it as anything unusually, or are perhaps thinking that there's something more, but please tell me if you are debating if it is coincidence or not. Everytime I look at you, I have something to say, with an underlying meaning of the fact that, I love you...please notice me, I don't know how many more imaginary dreams of you, of us, I can take.

-I AM NOT MEAN BY NATURE. seriously!

-you make it so hard for me to hate you. you act like a bitch and i think to myself, "there's no way she doesn't know she's doing this" and then when you see me the next day everything is supposedly fine and if i look upset you rush to ask me what's wrong. it's such a messed up scheme. a part of me still likes you, and it's great that you're with him but hearing descriptions of everybody you like lately and how you're not convinced you're in love with this one or you're enfatuated with the other one... i just feel it's a bit insensitive and rude. and if you really didn't want to go through with the other thing, you should've just said so instead of letting me anticipate that you might do it.

-I cannot wait for you to come home.

-I want a hug that never ends. I want to stay in your embrace forever, safe from the world, with you squeezing me tight, so that I know you care. I'd be willing to start with just a simple hug though....everyone else hugs you, may I please too? And if so, then maybe you'd notice that my hug to you is different from other hugs, because its filled with all my love, and then, maybe you'd never let go of me. Just never let go.

-you have the cutest arms in the world.

-I wonder if you read this site, and if so, if you know that I not only read this site but post quite a lot, comparatively, on it. I wonder if you've thought if any of the posts are mine. I wonder what you think of me. I wonder if you realize how shy and fragile I am, even though I've done a good job in hiding it. I wonder if you think I'm just an innocent little girl, with virgin eyes and ears are thoughts, naïve to teenage reality, just like everyone else thinks I am. I wonder if, as you read this, if you read this, you are contemplating if I am the author, but doubting it because, this is me you're thinking about after all. I wish you would realize it's me.

-none of you will ever see me again. i wonder if any of you will wonder how i'm doing, or wish we got to know eachother more.

-I'm afraid that I would lose control over myself again if I ever got too close to you.

-when i'm upset i listen to sad evanescence songs.

-I kind of wish that entry on your livejournal that you wrote sometime in april was for me. I doubt it was though, because it doesn't completely make sense. I doubt that I could have affected you that much

-I miss the old you. No, I'm not stalking you you fucking arrogant retard. I hate what you've become and I regret doing anything with you. I miss the old you. I miss my best friend. I miss the guy that wasn't so lost and obsessed with all this attention. I get so depressed when I see you that I actually try to avoid you. So it's kinda weird that you think I'm following you.
I just want you to be my best friend again. I want the old you back. What we had was so perfect, even just as friends.
I regret fucking it up so badly. You'll never understand.

-Please think of me

-I would love to be able to speak my mind- it hurts to bite my tongue all the time. But no one ever likes what I have to say, so it's better to keep my mouth shut I guess; no one can see internal pain, and outside mockery stings worse, maybe.

-I just hope that, before we graduate next year, I'll be able to tell you. I doubt even on graduation day, when I know I'll never see you again, I'd have the strength to admit it, that, for four years (by then), I've been in love with you. You'd really never guess it, and we'd never get a chance to be alone anyway, we're not that close of friends as it is. And I absolutely hate hoping that things will change, I just can't let go of you for whatever crazy reason. I guess I'm just lovesick, and as I don't get typical "crushes," I'm falling completely for you (please catch me). And listening to all the songs that you love, reminding me of you every moment.
I actually don't think I've ever survived without some sort of love. Not crush, love. Since I can remember, I've thought about someone in my dreams and before I fell asleep. It was one person for the longest of time, I refused to give up, even after going our separate ways. But, I knew I loved you when I had not one problem thinking of you, not him, before I went to bed, as you infiltrated my thoughts and dreams. I had gotton over him, knowing that it wasn't right, but you, you are still with me, and this love, yes love, being older, is going to be a lot harder to move on from. A LOT harder. And there's still that inkling of hope that...maybe I won't have to...but the flicker of light is fading fast, and I fear that my mind knows the truth my heart refuses to accept.
wow. that was a lot it seems.
And what I kinda just realized, is that the reason I am like this, in such need of love that never existed, is that, I really don't have anyone who I can talk to, openly and honestly, without having to seem brave, just being, me. Okay- déjà vu in writing this addition but anyway- I mean, in particular a male person to just hug and feel protected with, I've never felt that. I actually really want to give a life story here but, I won't, I just, I've never felt safe within someone's arms, I've never been within a male's arms, and, I need that. I need to know that there is someone in this world to care for me, and, pardon the selfishness, but, only me. I never had the love that a child should get, quite the opposite, and I wish so much for it. I feel like I'm missing a piece of me, and, I just need someone.
Particularly though, I need you. Maybe I'm just intuitive or maybe I'm crazy, but I, I just know that I need you to be the figure that I never had, well, that's a little skewed but, it's complicated.

-9th period today i didn`t feel like speaking.
i went into the bathroom and i sat there.
i texted "I wonder if anyone's caring where i am right now. what i`m doing."
i deleted it, not sending it to anyone.
i said it out loud.
there was no change, i didn`t feel different.
nobody came into the bathroom. no one.
i glanced at myself in the mirror, hoping it was someone prettier.
but alas, `twas i. and then i left.

-not lust- i don't really desire much
not greed- i really don't give a damn about material possessions
not gluttony- ha that's funny
not sloth- i hate sitting on my butt
not wrath- i don't show rage
not pride- not exactly miss self confidence here
no. not those.
ENVY is my deadly sin.

-a part of me is still in love with you.

-i don't want to go to my prom
and i certainly don't want to go to my graduation
fuck every last one of you cocksuckers

-I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!

-I just don't care about my life anymore. It feels so good to not be scared. It's also strange, because I know I should be.

-i needed you too.

-I wonder if anyone realizes that I come home and blast my music- yes normal music i.e. fall out boy, the fray, postal service, etc. - while dancing around like an absolute idiot singing into my hairbrush, until someone comes home that is.

-and maybe, just maybe, if i'm really lucky, and something odd comes over you, you'll ask me to dance even just one dance at junior prom. just maybe.

-When our eyes met across the cafeteria on Friday, and you gave me a half-hearted smile, I was almost wishing that I hadn't ended it. You're a nice boy, and there was definitely something I had liked about you, maybe even loved a little bit.

-i'm not fucking good enough.

-This is the first mother's day where you actually believed me when I told you that I appreciate you. I'm sorry I've cause so many problems lately. You deserve a better daughter than me.

-No, not right now. Not at all.

-my life means nothing without you in it. if you hadn't said you'd forgiven me, i would have found a way to kill myself. i wanted to until you said you still loved me. im so sorry. i have never regretted something so much.

-I don't know what I would have done without you. Probably not that much. Thanks for being so nice to me this year. I know I already told you, but I don't think you understand how much your kindness means to me. I'll always remember you. And when I finally go on my big adventure, I'll be able to thank you for it.

-do you ignore me because i told people make it known that i'm done with you, or because you feel the same way about me?

Update # 38

2007-04-15T20:48:48Z

-I keep refreshing the page in hopes that someone will leave a comment.

-After you hugged me goodbye during 9th period on friday because you knew we wouldn't be seeing each other over vacation, I cried in a bathroom. You were sad because you were going to miss your friend. I was sad because I was going to miss the man I love.

-You could've just fucking said you didn't want to hang out.
I guess one of your obsessions was more important than me.
Thanks a lot you prick.

-im excited for college only because people wont know about all the money my family has.
ill finally be able to know my friends definitely arent using me for my stuff.

-I just woke up, 1am, from another dream about you. You have that water stuck in the ears sorta feeling, when you shake your head and the water is still there, refusing to leave and dulling your senses. Please get out of my head already, because I hate to admit it, the more I dream, the more I fall in love, but with a fantasy that will never amount to anything.

-One of the reasons why I haven't asked you out yet is because you smell funny and I don't know if I could deal with that on a regular basis. You don't smell bad or anything, just...funny.

-I do have a vagina.

-you smile-faker.
i can`t take your lies anymore!

-Those moments where we share a laugh or our hands accidentally touch are what I live for. And the times when your eyes lock with mine, when you finally let go of your inhibitions and just hold your gaze instead of guiltily looking away, I know you live for those moments too.
The truth is right there, swimming in the deepest blue of your eyes. Beneath the mask of indifference that you wear around me, I know you love me too.

-I'm not thinking about you or looking for you, but the second I turn my head my eyes happen to look at you without even realizing, there you are, already looking at me (or in my direction at least). Now I'm sure I made it pretty clear. You are not in my life anymore, and you never will be ever again. You made it pretty clear you felt the same, now why the hell are you always fucking looking at me?

-I can't even last a vacation without you.

-I want you to want me. I don't think much of myself but I do think I'm better than her. And so does everyone else.

-i lied...i love you more than i love the beatles.
:)

- When I saw you were happy I checked your facebook and myspace status to see if you were in a relationship. I'm scared you just haven't bothered to update it.

-I didn't give you a hug when I said goodbye because I didn't want to be too obvious. Now it's all I can think about, because I miss you so much. And because I don't have a life.

-all i wanted was you

-I always wonder what it would have been like if it had worked between us.
I bet we would've been f-ing hot in bed.

-KISS ME YOU STUPID DIPSHIT.

-I'm mad in love with you.

-no one else can tell
but i know i am an addict

-Just the fact that it happened is really empowering. Although I wish you were merely a trophy, I'm kinda attatched. But whatever. It's kinda nice.

-even when im surrounded by people, i still feel so alone.
i hate this feeling, this loneliness is eating me alive.

-I can't even walk down streets anymore. All I think about is walking onto the road. Just a few steps into the path of a bus, arms out with a big ass smile on my face, welcoming the thing that will finally end it all.

-You can get any fucking guy you want, so how about you stop flirting with the one I want? Go whore yourself off to someone else and stop hurting me.

-I want to call you and scream at you for being such a selfish person and such a horrible friend. All you care about is getting ass from someone who isn't even good looking and being popular. I may have really fucked up, I may have been a huge bitch but I don't deserve this. None of your old friends do. I hope you die alone.

-I don't have any friends.

-I have loved you in secret for two years, two amazing yet agonizing years. I've tried to move on and live my life without you three times, each time failing spectacularly. Thus, I have come to accept it. I want you, I care for you, I'd die for you. It hurts to admit it, but the acceptance has made me stronger. And now I know I'm strong enough that, when the day comes, I will be able to look into your eyes and tell you the simple truth; I love you.

-Sometimes I'm not sure.

-I. like. you. so. much.

-I hope you're not gay because I want to marry you.

-I collect random obituaries from newsday and save them in my coat pocket.

-What have I done?

-I'm all dolled up so you'll want me back
But I don't want a thing to do with you
And it feels amazing

-You are so annoying in self-centered. You say that everyone else is the problem but really it's all you. You only sit and complain and hell if your friends aren't working out for you at the moment, go out and find some new ones, don't sit around and bitch people out on the internet. Its just not cool. And basically it seems that you're too immature to face somebody and tell them that you're unhappy with something they've done. Seriously, you can pull that off. But you don't. Which is strange and sad.
But either way, I don't report to you. If I was that desperate to tell you all about it, I would've come home and called you or something. You're exactly like the people you complain about.

-I'm sorry you ended up with her. She's a huge bitch and hopefully you'll find someone better once she leaves.

-I love you! Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to say it to your face. Three words shouldn't be so hard to say.

-I'd fuck him in a second but don't worry, I told him I don't do that to my friends. He won't try anything now.
See? That's how it's supposed to go. Next time try it my way. Or even improve my way.

-i`d totally do keanu reeves over you.
like 123895714895 times over.

-Everyone someone anonymously admits that they love someone on this site, I hope it's you.
Then I remember that you don't read this.
I'm losing hope

-When we get back to school I'm not talking to you. I can't wait for you to say something to me so I can be a bitch and tell you exactly what is wrong with you. I don't even know if I'll miss you. You're not the same. Now you're like everyone else.

-You're the first person who I've talked to openly and honestly in a very long time. It means a lot to me, I'm just too shy to say it.
Thank you.

-you are so UNBELIEVABLY annoying (!!!!!!!!!!)

-you are the first guy that i can't read. sometimes you act adorable and amazingly sweet. yet there are other times when you tell at me that i'm acting like i'm 10 years old and i should act my age. you should act your age too instead of the 35 that you think you are but that's besides the point. you scare me so much because i have no idea what to say any more. i can't tell what your reaction will be to anything. when i think i'm going to get the reaction that i looking for, you surprise me and give the complete opposite and i'm just stunned. i can't rely on monthly conversations from your best friend to tell me what your thinking. you really need to tell me yourself.

-I am so convinced that every guy I've ever dated had ulterior motive.
It's gotten to the point where everytime my new boyfriend tells me how much he loves me, I think
"He must have heard I'm easy..."
I just don't see myself as worth loving

-You're a spoiled brat.

-That was all I could think about for the rest of the day. I tend to jump to conclusions so I hope everything is okay. Why do I worry and care so much!? You barely even know I exist! *sigh* Self-answering the question...because I...I...
Nevermind.

-The reason why I chase after people who I have no chance with is because then at least I know I'll never have to get physical with someone. I avoid relationships that could actually happen because I'm so scared of anything that's even remotely sexual.

-Whenever I see the word "sexual", I think of the way my English teacher says it, for some reason. It's like a reflex, and it's kinda creeping me out.

- I want to be skinny again. To the point where I dream about it. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it

Update #37

2007-03-31T03:51:54Z

-How many times do I have to say it?

-I fear having to kiss you because your face makes me feel nauseous

-you make me uncomfortable

-I've been replaced with someone that's normal. I really didn't think I was so easy to replace. I guess that was a bit conceited of me.

-I want you.
But it's oh so forbidden.

-I feel like everything I've been feeling is going to explode out of me sooner or later. The hate towards just about everybody, the anxiety I'm feeling because of him, and it'll be so evident how everything's affecting me. But I don't want that to spill out on her. I hope this will end soon.

-If I told you, would you listen? I'm honestly dying to tell *someone.*

-I might drop next year. I really can't be in your class anymore because pretty soon I won't be able to control myself. Not to mention, I'm completely miserable. I don't want to do this, but if something doesn't change by the end of the year, I might not have a choice.

-she's back
that unpredictable and scary side of my personality.
i had it under control for awhile...
but now she's back, and she's scaring me.

-We're broken.
I. Can't. Breathe.

-I hate you. I never should've done that with you. If I didn't you might still have feelings for me.

-i know there's got to be another level
closer to the other side

-just ask me out already.

-I love myself when I'm with you.

-I feel awkward around you.

-the other day someone told me:
youre so negative and picky, youll never find anyone to love.
shes sooooooooo friggin right, i cant even begin to tell you
im so scared im going to be alone forever

-my heart died the day you told me that you didnt care anymore.
you dont even realize what you've done to me

-I can remember all of your outfits (in detail) since Monday, March 5th. I also have ratings them. And each day has a lame title. For instance, March 5th is "Pretty in Pink", March 6th is "Miserable in Mint Green", and March 14th is "Sexy in Cerulean".
...I do not deserve to live.

-LMAO!
ahahahha. thats fantastic.

-if you were hated by everyone after they know what you've done and how crappy you could treat another person, a person who worshiped you, and if you were then left alone to fend for yourself i might actually feel sympathetic
but i don't

-I should have asked you to prom.

-I know I might be a little paranoid, but it doesn't mean I'm overexaggerating. When I have a problem, it's real, and I hate it when someone tries to put things in perspective for me, or give me advice. I can't wait until someone listen to what I have to say and accepts my point of view.

-You are 100000x more beautiful without make-up.

-I want to know if you ever think about me but I'm too scared to ask. I know you think about that triangle haired bitch but I really don't think I ever cross your mind.

-what am i gonna say to you

-When you said that you loved me, I know you meant it as a friend. Not gonna lie though, my heart skipped a beat. Or forty. And for a fraction of a second, I thought that maybe I had a chance.

-why is no one in plainview good looking??!?! -_- psh. no one here i even think is remotely date-able. ROAR.

-This morning when I woke up, I lasted 8 minutes before I started thinking about you. Usually as soon as I wake up, you're my first thought. I have a feeling today's going to be a very good day.

-i wish, for once, when someone asked me, "how are you," and i replied, "i'm fine," they would look me in the eye, and say, "tell me the truth."

-Today, I went around school with a smile everywhere, just to see if anyone would realize it was fake.
No one noticed.

-I'm such a good lier...
but I'm so ashamed of it.

-I wish you were still chubby because I feel like maybe then you could like me.

-I wish that everyone else besides you thought I was pretty.

-You...almost made me faint.

-Now I'm going to be the only one who can't give blood. I hate myself so much right now.

-You are my sunshine. You just don't know it. =]

-how can i want you again? i shouldnt. i went through emotional hell lastime, and its going to happen again.

-First I blatantly tell you that I'm depressed and I have a problem, then I beg you for a therapist (the first time I asked was 2 years ago, mind you), then I confess to you that I haven't been happy since 7th grade, and you have the nerve to tell me to clean my room and gossip with your friends about what a fuck up I am?!
You know what...go suck a fat cock so I don't have to listen to your nonsense anymore. You're the reason I haven't been able to stop hurting myself. Haven't you ever wondered what I do to myself when I run into the bathroom with a knife?
I think you know. You just don't care enough to help me. Yeah, maybe I do just want attention. Of course I want attention. I want help, I want to feel better already, and you're not helping me! All you can do is make me feel crappy about myself. Whenever I do anything good, it isn't enough for you. Whenever I sing or ride my bike or sew or do something I actually enjoy doing, it isn't enough for you. You say you want me to be happy, but that's the biggest fucking lie I have ever heard. You don't care if I'm happy, you care if I have a job that makes money and if I have a husband and I give you grandchildren and raise them to be perfect little Jewish kids who grow up and get jobs that make a lot of money so they can live in a fucking big house and have children so your life would have meant something.
Well none of our lives actually mean anything unless you do what you were meant to do. Why can't you let me figure out what I want to do?! Why can't I have music? I've never had anything else that I can depend on. I know I sure as hell can't depend on you.

-I wish that somebody felt I was worth the chase.

-Whenever you piss me off, I content myself with thinking about your future failures. You will never amount to anything, because you were blessed with both an awful personality and a lot of ignorance. And please, invest in some tic-tacs.

-you guys are so cute... i wish you'd find each other already.

-I really wanna fuck you again. It'd be so much better.

-i usually go w/o a shower for a few days but people always tell me i smell good, so who cares.

-I am so scared that I'm crying every night
And it's quite obvious that you don't care

-you're fing creepy.
i used to kinda think you were nice and a little strange, but you're mad scary.

-I don't really love singing anymore. I mean, I love it because I say I love it and because I always have loved it and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if that ever changed. But I don't get that feeling that I used to get from it. I haven't felt that in ages.

-I am so jealous of you. Envious is more like it actually.

-i wish i could go back to that moment
when we were cuddling on your bed and you told me how you felt
id never felt more loved in my entire life
i would never admit this to anyone, but i miss you.

-I spend too much time wondering what she has that I don't

Update #36

2007-03-13T00:54:17Z

-sometimes i find it funny that i want a boyfriend badly,
yet everyone that hits on me i would never want to go out with.
i already want the perfect boyfriend and i`ve never even had one boyfriend!

-i weigh 179 pounds.
i am a girl.
i am a fucking whale.
i just did so many situps.
it hurts so much.
no wonder nobody loves me.
i also wrote every adjective for fat that i could find
on my stomach, for some thinspiration.
god, make me beautiful.
       Response: ..I bet you're really pretty.

-We had sex.
It was good for me.
And yet, I'm still miserable.

-i hope we're not doing this simply to shut me up, because that would just make everything worse than it has ever been

-omgomgomg
the sex today was AMAZING
..
omg.

-I faked it.

-Kiss me you dumbass!

-i can't live like this
without love
without purpose

-I think I'm going to have to give up the only thing I want in my life.
       And finally got.

-I miss hurting myself. I felt so much better when I did it.
         Response: I can't even remember why I stopped.

-i made a pact with myself in 9th grade, that until im skinnnny i cant have a boyfriend.
4 yrs later and the pact has not been broken..even though im miserable and obviously not skinny

-all of my friends except 3 hate me
and i hate all of my friends except one
scratch that, i hate them all

-I get so depressed when people constantly talk about how much they hate other people. They just don't understand. It's not even that part that bothers me though, it's the complete lack of decency. It's so frustrating because they're all so critical. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone's annoying sometimes, everyone has their ass-ish moments. I wish that people would just deal with it and stop hating. I used to feel like a fool for loving everyone, but lately I've realized that I'm not the one with the problem. This sounds conceited, but I feel like the whole world has a problem, and it makes me want to hurt myself all the time because there's nothing I can do about it.

-you're all fucking stupid. let someone fucking vent. whats so wrong with wishing someone was dead. shut the fuck up. everyone hates. stop being fucking little tree hugging pussy shits. first of all, i doubt the person would LITERALLY wish something so horrible upon someone. but second, even if they did, who fucking cares?! they're not deciding who can live or die. they're just expressing an emotion of their own. hate people. hate is good. hate all you want. hate if hate is what you feel. places a little more value on love.

-Let me amend that whole thing:
I wish the majority of people in Plainview were dead!
Feel the judgement.

-I would've asked you if I knew you were willing to go with just a friend.
Am I invisible to you or am I just that undesirable?

-i said it this afternoon and ill say it again, I HATE MY LIFE
...sometimes

-why am I never going to be good enough for you?

i'm so pathetic.
i guess you're just going to string me along for a bit more and then toss me to the side with a few halfassed excuses and a couple of mutterings meant to help me feel better.
i fucking hate you right now.

-i was gonna write something personal on here and then i realized that i can just do it on my stupid lj that no one reads hahaha

-I can't stand it. Time is moving quickly. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe we're not what I thought. But I don't want to push you away if you're just being modest. Whatever. I'm over this.

-When you said you liked me, did you mean that you liked me, or do you just like me as your friend. I want to figure this out before I make a fool out of myself.

-it took everything i had to keep myself from kissing you in your office today. i only hope that my eyes didn't give me away.

-my haircut is pretty much the last straw for me
i have no inch of self esteem left in my entire body
my self loathing could not possibly reach a higher level if i had a fungus growing on my face
i feel like such a walking waste all the time
and now i cant even look in the mirror and say, "i guess im not that bad"
i am that bad
physically, emotionally, mentally
i am a huge failure
and i hate myself more than any human has the capacity to hate
and i dont know why i made this anonymous

-im done being sober

-sometimes I wish I had a severe mental disability so I wouldn't have to understand all of the horrible things that happen.

-You're dead to me. You're disgusting.

-i cant believe you would do something like that
that was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me
i dont even know how to express my reaction to that
you are the sweetest person on the planet
thank you =)
Response: love ya ;)

-i recieved some lovely information on friday and ive decided;
your an asshole, and basically scum.
go fuck yourself (literally)
scumbag

-I'm tempted to tell you everything, just because if it turns out that you really are gay then I would have nothing to lose.

-It's pretty obvious that in my "friend group," I'm the odd one out. No one calls me first for plans, advice...anything. And if they do, it's an obligation.

-I'm going to fuck you.

Update #35

2007-03-03T02:38:41Z

Basically, I wait until I get 3 pictures to update. This time it took over a month. More pictures=updates more frequently.

-You're changing. You're not the goofy, fun-loving, innocent friend I once had. Sometimes you still seem to be the same you...but you're doing different things and hanging with different people, which worries me.
I heard about how fucked up you were yesterday with her...I don't want to say anything directly to you about it, but it really worries me. That's not you.
And your relationship...I don't think is healthy. You're slowly but surely changing.
I'm just afraid one day I'll look at you... and I won't recognize you.

-everyday seems to give me another reason for suicide. each day im just left feeling more and more worthless. whats really the point anymore?

-During those moments when I drift in and out of sleep...I think about my future and I'm not afraid of it.

-I've been dying to visit my middle school teachers ever since I left. Three years later I haven't been back once. Not that I don't want to, but that I'm afraid of how I'd react when I find out they don't remember me, that I am so forgettable.

-I can't stand seeing you because for some reason my mind always takes me to that day in 40 or 50 years from now when I'll find out that you died...And I'll go to your funeral and recognize everyone there and I'll wish that none of them were there, and I'll wish that things had turned out differently. And I'll realize that I never said goodbye in the way I would have liked to.

-If everything happens for a reason, then what's the reason for me losing you.

-I felt horrible about it...I still do.
But the way you still reference it and spread guilt everywhere...annoys me.

-I had my chance. It's not like I didn't have the opportunity. I did. But I fucked up. It wasn't someone else. It was completely under my control then. But I was afraid of losing that control. I didn't want someone else to break my heart so I did myself.
I was young and stupid. I've (amazingly) grown up and I realized what I horrible mistake I made. I had so many chances and I just fucked everything up in every possible way. I can't have you as a significant other or a best friend now. Things were going so well and that was so scary. Nothing has ever gone the way I wanted it to before. I didn't want you to hurt me.
I miss the way things were. I wish I could stop loving you

-There are some people that just shouldn't exist. They dampen fun when they try to join in, they create drama when none is there, they declare their love and friendship when no one really returns it.
You are one of those people.
You are the president of those people.

-i had a dream i was laying in your arms. i woke up in the morning to find it ahd all been a lie. it was excruciating.

-swallow your pride. give in to how you really feel

-i love you so much

-I lied. Sometimes I do think about her.

-Joe lit a match for me just before the show started and said to make a wish on it, so I blew it out and wished that you would come see me. I didn't think you would really come, but then I saw you in the audience and I was so happy! I guess I'm still just your little girl afterall

-i know that tomorrow when i check this there will be a comment from you saying how "you can't believe after all this the only question we can come up with to ask each other is 'hows life?'" or something like that.
i'm sorry to inform you that the reason my life is so great is because now you are just an acquaintance.
and look at who's life is still horrible....
(i had the last laugh haha)

-yes, i am staring at you. the funny part is that when i do, you're already looking at me.

-Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had never made that confession to you. I'll regret this confession too, but sure, I still think about it.

-sometimes, my dad still tucks me in at night. secretly, there is nothing in this world i love more.

-i wish you weren't so cold.
you're not completely cold.
but i kinda i wish that you would just kiss me.
you can be so elusive. i think i love you.
love me back?

-i really wish one of you would start something with me just so i could finally tell you to fuck yourselves

-Even our awkward silences make me feel happy. Do you realize how you've enchanted me?

-We're not that close or anything, but I love sitting next to you in choir. You are by far one of the kindest, most down to earth people I know and you make me feel totally comfortable to be myself. You'll never understand the difference you make on people without even trying.
Oh, and by the way? You have a gorgeous voice and totally deserved a better part in Les Mis.

-some mornings i wake up hoping to look in the mirror and see that i grew todd levines hair overnight.

-You know what, stop making me want you so bad. It's hard enough to contain myself without you reading your goddamn song lyrics in my face. Goddamn it. Leave me alone. Go move off the planet so I can forget about you.

-I have made up so much about myself that now I really don't know what to believe. I feel like a big piece of cardboard. I don't like myself, I don't understand myself, and I'm afraid of myself. When I do die, I know it will probably be suicide.

-I deserve to be catapulted off this planet.

-I feel pathetic. I'm always so happy when you say hi to me or give me a hug but it doesn't seem to phase you. I want that to change.

-I wanna be loved by you,
just you and nobody else but you
::wink::

-we kinda sorta almost shared a normal conversation and a really long hug (not to be confused with the other hug post a few comments up-i think) today. amazing.

-I hope you're not under the impression that I asked if you would sit down and talk with the intention of doing stuff. As much as I'd love to, we really just have to talk it out and make things right because as cheesy as it sounds, you're what's missing from my life and I want you back in it even if you'll probably just be my friend and my friend only.

-I know we've been friends since god knows when, and it would be kind of strange...but if you ever decide to turn into a lez, just give me a call.

-i wanna fuck you
you already know

-I know I love you
I know I care about you
But I'm not quite sure I can handle you.

-My God! I can't take any more of this. You chew people up and spit them out - I loved you, do you hear me - I LOVED YOU - And what did it get me - I'll tell you - A big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, take! You drain others of their love and emotions. Well, I've had enough.

-I wish I had the courage to kick you out of my heart once and for all.

-...but I think I still need you.

-I'm getting tired of working so much just to be content.

-truthfully, we all fall down.

-That heartfelt little note I wrote you was all bullshit. I think you're so friggin annoying. I don't even like you. I just didn't want you to go kill yourself is all. Jesus. I do care about you, but mostly because I'd feel guilty if anything happened to you. It scared me so much when you said you were going to do it because I saw myself in you. and I felt so jealous of you when I looked at your wrists, because just that very day, I was itching to do the same thing. And you actually got to do it. You little bitch.
But seriously, don't kill yourself. Fucking bitch.

-How many times do I have to dodge your mouth before you get it?
How many more lines will you use before I have to give you a bitchy retort?
How many times do I have to give you that look before you take the hint?

I don't like you like that. I don't want to kiss you, let alone sleep with you. Did he say I was easy? So now everyone things I'll jump on anyone that's interested? If he did, you've been misinformed and I would've slept with many others by now, instead of pine for some more of the sex I'm accustomed to from the same person I was with way back when.
You're a nice guy and all, but I'm just not attracted to you. This is gonna sound harsh, but I end a conversation with you thinking "Wow, that was sufficiently awkward" instead of leaving with a nice thought in my mind.
You pull that guilt crap asking for people's opinions on how you look, but did you ever think that maybe instead of working on your appearace, that you should focus on reading other people's body language? Like mine? Maybe next time you're having these dreams about me being naked, like you told me about (which by the way has got to be the creepiest thing to say when I'm pretty sure you know I don't feel the same way about you, and like your best friend . . . ) you will try to figure out that this is not what I want, because if it was, it already would've happened already. As much as I want you to be happy and enjoy this night coming up, you need to understand that I'm seriously not interested and that we're just friends.

-Today I accidentally left my hangbag in a class. I went back to get it after the next class, realizing I had left it. I found it on the teacher's desk, adn thought nothing more. I just opened my wallet, and to my dismay, the $10 in my wallet was stolen, my gift cards/permit were all moved around, my actual bag had zippered sections which were opened as well, and another $6 or $7 was taken from just in my bag.
Thank you very much for making me realize nothing is safe even for 42 minutes, nothing is sacred, and that there are people in the school who know that the bag was mine, and proceded to take money from it.
This is yet another reason that brings me closer to going insane.
I absolutely hate this town. I absolutely hate this island. I absolutely hate this world. And above all, I absolutely hate myself for allowing others to rejoice in my suffering.
Once again, Thank you to those who searched through my bag and stole my money.

-Why can't you want me and only me? Hell, why can't you want me? Lets start with that one.
This is torture.
I want to go back to when I had no idea how you felt about me. It was less painful. I had hope. Now I know how you feel and who I'm equal to and I don't need to be in that situation again.
Better yet, I want to rewind a few years. I want to go back to when you did like me and I had no worries and everything seemed like it was working out.
I miss you and I miss the way things were. I'm sick of loving you. I don't know why I can't stop. I want to be loved back.
And the worst part is I still see exactly what I used to see in you...but you don't see what you saw in me. Not enough to consider me as anything but a friend or some "experience."
Whatever...I guess I'll eventually get over it.
Oh and you know what else? I keep listening to this song that reminds me of you because on my LJ you said that for some reason it reminded you of me...but that was years ago so you'd never remember saying it. But I still go back and read the comment and sometimes I want to ask you why it reminded you of me...
lems n' straws
Thanks for saying bye...

-i find it amasing how much i still miss you. i have to see you every single day and it kills me. you won't talk to me and whenever a random conversation pops up we're screaming at each other. how did three years change you into this? i know that somewhere deep inside you, there's still that scared little boy but something has happened to you and you've just become cold. i miss all the talks we would have about highschool and how we would always be friends. i thought this would've been our year, our year to make things right. i guess i was wrong. worst part is.... i finally what you were trying to tell me all these years. i get it now. please come to me

-My weight is killing me. I can't look in the mirror naked and I've begun to hate shopping for clothing again. I can't seem to get myself on track to lose it. How did I get this way again?
And how do people still love me dispite it?
And would he love me if I didn't have it?

-I'm mad at you. And I think the things I've neglected to do lately are a result of my passive-aggressive tendencies.
This is the most immature thing for me to think, but how could you leave us??? It isn't fair.

-your friendship means so much to me
if i lose you, i dont think ill get through it,
don't let things get awkward. i swear my intentions are purely in the friendship category, but now you wont even look at me. i don't know who told you, and i don't care. i'll admit that i love you. but i love and care about you as a friend. you're one of the few people in my life that i thought i could always depend on. i hope thats still true.

-"yes" was a mistake . . . just a tad

-I love you. I have loved you for over a year. I know that, no matter what, there will always be a part of me that will love you forever. You have a hold on me that no one has ever had on me before. It hurts everyday, knowing that I'll never be with you, but I can deal with the hurt. You have saved me in more ways than I thought I could be saved. There is no doubt in my mind; I would die for you in an instant. You have enchanted me, body and soul. I love you.

-No fair, I liked her first! You're not a real lesbian anyway. She's MINE.

-I want to tell you how I feel but I don't want to be rejected, especially not by you. I'm mad at you (you probably haven't noticed) but I still keep thinking about you.

-my wrists hurt, they hurt almost as much as my heart.

-I LOVE YOU!!!

-You don't understand me and I don't think you ever will.

-I cant wait to get the fuck out of plainview

-i'm doing it after i post this.

-oh WOW youre a dumbass
close your mouth and spare me
please
my brain explodes when you speak

-The only wish I could think of when I blew out my candle was that you'd let me fall asleep on your shoulder during the flight. Some exciting life I have

-I love when you do that. I just can't take my eyes off you.

-I think this is the worst way to die, to be torn apart slowly each day until the one when there is no more of you left to tear.

-i'm going to miss you when you leave for italy

-okay, i don't even know if your plane has taken off or if it was delayed and i'm already missing you incredibly. best of all, you have no idea.

-I AM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU

-I sing well.

-i never liked you. not at all. okay, so maybe a little. okay, so maybe you were my best friend. but, god, we were so different. and we are...still different. i hate the way you speak, the way you talk, your elitist attitude, your looks. your beautiful and i hate it. i hate how i`m ugly. you make me look like dirt. i hate it. i hate how guys love you. you`re so ugly on the inside. but not one sees the inside anymore. no one can love a person like me. i`m a joke. when people say "love" and then my name, it's always a joke. and i feel sick. so sick. i can`t move anymore. i just want someone to love me. and i hate how you have the one thing that i want more than anything.

-my mom is right behind me and now would be the perfect time, but i really...can't...do it.

-i can't wait until everyone comes back from italy and the drama starts to unfold on here. :)

-I wanted something to happen between you and me. It didn't happen. When I woke up, I felt like I missed you more than I missed Italy.

-just our little secret.

-No one has a clue what's going on and I love it.

-I once peed on my carpet because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom.

-i feel (almost) completely worthless

-Doing my homework actually puts me in a better mood if I'm really upset about something.
I guess my therapist was right...

-I'm in love with you, in case you haven't noticed.

-I know you'll never want me again but that'll never change how I feel.
...I wish it would.

-I think it's interesting and vaguely pathetic that I only talk to about 1/16 of the people on my buddy list. I think its even worse that out of the portion I talk to, I only really care about 5 or 7 of them.

-I'm bi. bi bi bi bi bi. It's such a relief to admit it.

-If I wasn't so afraid of a no I'd ask you.

-I'm living only for you.

-Sometimes I can be sitting right next to you and still miss you.

-I love you more than anything in the entire world.
You don't hear it enough.
I love you.

Update #34

2007-01-22T02:07:22Z

I have nothing to say for myself. Yeah, it's been forever since my last update but I picked to post instead of doing my english essay. Oh, and I am severely lacking in the images department.

-An animal I loved left, he went to a good home: far away. I cry over it more than any person that's ever left or any relitive thats ever died.

-I cut myself last night because I feel so ugly now.

-i had a dream about you last night. we were just laying in the snow holding each other. it was so real, and so intimate. but then i woke up and realized that youve forgotten me. you've forgotten me and moved on.

-it's new years and I don't really have anything to show for it. '06 was good to me but I still feel like cutting.

-I'm willing to be that all of you would take just being confused about someone over pain. But I'm so ared of being confused, that I'd rather b crushed like that again. I need to know what is, what happened, and what could be.

-After I post this, I'm calling a suicide help line.

-i had another dream about you last night. this has got to stop, its pure torture.

-STOP!

-take my fucking emotions into consideration. u say u have no friends, but if u do what i think u will (what u say is just the cute or close relationship the two of u have) u really wont have anyone because i will not let u fuck with my head into believing that ur actions are purely the two of u being urself. that is bulls&#@!

-I thought that maybe when I saw you after vacation, the feelings would wear off and I'd remember that you're really old and really not my type. But that didn't happen. I still want to kiss you. That's not saying I "like" you persay, I just really want to grab you and kiss you because I'm a little pervert like that.
...Who am I kidding, I like you. I admit it.

-i really do tell you everything. but the one thing i havent told you is the one thing ive been dying to. and now its too late, i shouldve done it long ago.

-for once, i want somebody to love me without me having to touch them.
Response: join the fucking club

-when we're alone, i don't doubt that you love me, but in public, it's always different.

-I wanted you to hear me differently, but you didn't. I wanted you to understand.

-why are you afraid of me?

-Why am I so obsessed with you!? I so don't understand guys, but that's a separate issue. And yet, I love being obsessed, it's all I've really ever known. Stupid childhood; I blame you.

-Last night was the first time I've ever had the feeling of wanting to kill someone. It happened at the strangest time too. I was singing in the concert, and I looked out into the audience and saw her sitting next to you, and you staring at her all oogle-eyed, you guys laughing like you were the only people in the room. I suddenly got so jealous that I just wanted to shoot an arrow at her or something, get her out of the picture. It's funny though, because I always act so nice to her, like she's the coolest person in the world. And I always stick up for her when people gossip about her. But I secretly hate her because you like her so much.
What can I say? "There are daggers in men's smiles."

-I don't really know how I feel about you right now.
It's not good though.

-whatever the 3 of you can go suck a fat cock
fuck you

-Good.

-why did u kiss me? ever since that day all those months ago, my sanity along with our friendship, seems to have deteriorated into almost nothing. i hate you for doing that. you were just using me to get over her. you put me through hell cause you needed some ass after dumping your girlfriend you fucking asshole.

-I've stopped crying over you.
You hurt me so badly.
But lately I've realized that it's your loss.

-What you did was disgraceful.
What you do with your friends is none of my business. But to bring it into a place that you know it's not welcome... is unexcusable.
I expected more from you.

-Tu ne comprendras jamais le français sans moi. Tu seras desolé.

-i fall a little bit in love with you whenever you try to act mad

-What the fuck is wrong with you?
That is the gayest picture I have ever seen in my life.

-Sometimes when I'm in a car, I quietly take off my seatbelt. That way, if we crash, I'd be more likely to die and it wouldn't look like a suicide.

-your love comes apart when it hits the light

-I miss your sexy butt jeans so much. Please wear them tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.

-YOU ARE SO LOGICAL. Of course I deserve to be yelled at, and I deserve it when you tell other people how much you don't like me. Of course everything mean said about you is MY fault.
I have a real problem with stupid oversensitive douchebags like you, who make a huge public deal out of your suffering and torment, and then when someone makes a joke about it to your face, you lament about how hurt you are and how I'm out to get you, out to deliberately bring down others.
I'll be the first to admit that I speak too soon and I should keep some of my comments to myself. But you know what, at least I say this shit out loud. My entire retarded friend group lives in this dirty vacuum of stupid drama and gossip and bitchiness, and people talk about eachother all the time. Yet, when I say it in public, I'm a huge bitch and I'm the meanest person you all know. I fucking wish I could record the gossip that goes on about each and every one of you, and maybe you'd see that I am not the most hurtful human being ever - you are, as a big wonderful collective whole.
I hope I'm not using too rich a vocabulary, so far.
I hate Plainview. I hate the drama. I hate the constant blame being placed on others. I hate the superficiality - you thinking you know me, passing along information about me, nodding knowingly when someone else says, "Yeah, she's a bitch." Fuck you. You're not special, and neither am I, and neither are your friends that hate you behind your back. You take no time to get to know me, understand why I say what I do, ask me for an apology, talk to me. Just bring on the gossip fodder. I said something mean about you?? Oh my god, YES. Now you have something to post on The Secret Game about!
I hope I fucking forget you all the second I move away. You're worthless. You think you can speak to someone a few times, even call them your friend, bump them up on myspace - and yet all your relationships are so fake. I really really hate the mentality that is so natural to the majority of people I know.
At least I mean everything I say. You're comfortable with the fucking lie and facade that is your life.

-I'm better than you :-P

-You don't know how lucky you are.

-I masturbated while I was on the phone with you. I have no idea what you were saying for last 10 minutes.

-im alone. i always have been alone. today was the first time i couldnt hide it anymore. i just felt so miserable, i just wanted the world to disappear.
everythings so wrong.
someone please help me. i feel like im dying.

-My parents don't know that I've stopped taking my meds...

-I took a shit in your backyard.

-I really don't like you.

-I choose my secrets more carefully now.

-Today I managed some combination of crying, screaming, involuntary shaking, and hyperventillating all at once. I don't remember much now that it's all over, except for the cause (you) and that I was just so frustrated that I couldn't do anything else but react. I haven't pulled something like that since I was little and I don't know what that was... Should I be on something? Wtf was that?

-D&A, Thank you for worrying.

-at first i thought u were incapable of feeling. i thought there was no
way you could have feelings for me, and i was just about ready to give
up. but then u do things that make me think.. oh maybe you are capable
of loving me.. but then you do somethign else that makes me think i
have been right all along. i look at couples and i see the way they treat
each other and i know we aren't a couple only just technically hooking
up.. but i cant help but feel like if we were a couple.. that there
just would be something lacking that those other couples have.. maybe it
deals with that whole idea i have of you not being able to feel love..
i just dont know. you are so confusing, and i shouldn't feel like an
object. i deserve someone who can give me the love i can give. it would
also help if everytime i was with you you werent on something.. for
example pills.. alcohol..
just show me you can love me and im yours.

-i feel like i need a guy to be completely happy.. and i wish i didnt
feel that way especially because i never meet any good ones.

-i think i care about you, but i actually dont know if i do. how can i
care about someone.. who im not quite sure cares about me?

-i really enjoy having a really gut wrenchingly deep conversation with
someone that i can come away from having a whole new perspective on
something.. like eye opening. its a really good feeling.

-sometimes i hate you, but sometimes i just wanna jump on you.

-I was feeling really low and I wondered what I would write in a suicide note. I figured I'd separate it into people that meant something to me and write a message to each of them. The most upsetting thing was that I realized that for most of my closest friends, the only thing I would write to them would have been "Have a nice life."

-i just wanted you to be proud of me...

-you've always been a part of the thick plots I create for my characters when I'm on stage. The last show I was in, you were my father who left me. This time around, you're the father of my baby, and you also left me. It's funny how that worked out.

-I am so content right now. I don't have to waste energy hating you any more, because you officially just became the most ignorant person I know.

Now I just feel bad. You have to spend the rest of your life just being...you.

-youre the reason i havent felt deep feelings for anyone in the past few years. ive had a few crushes on people and sometimes the feelings have been returned. but i know i cant really BE with anyone because no matter what i can never seem to get over my feelings for you.

-What am I doing?

-I was looking through my book from my sweet sixteen and towards the very back I saw a message and recognized your handwriting. You'd written "I love you. All I want is to see you married." It was like you knew that this time around, you weren't going to make it through. I miss you so much.

-do i really miss you? no. i just miss being loved. i cheated and lied more than you will ever know. nomatter how lonely i get, ill never go back to you. so just stop asking.

-whenever you ask, i wish i could answer that i was dreaming of you.

-Today I felt like everyone hated me, and I loved it.

-I finally figured it out... I know what it is now.
I miss the days of love. We used to guess what the other was thinking and be right. I think the leftovers are lust, anger, some hatred and self-loathing, but mostly nostalgia. And disappointment that the days of love, warmth, and deep, enraptured concern have left and my struggle to get them back has just been frustrating. But I can move on now. 'Cause I get why I was trying so hard not to. And it's okay to be happy now.

-I've finally snapped. I don't know what caused it, but I just started laughing and crying and now I can't stop. I'm going cuhraaaaazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I was just screaming and no one even heard it. That doesn't make sense.
Unless I was only screaming inside my head.
Would you stop playing those songs so loud?! For christ's sake! SHUT THE FUCK UP oh my god STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT GET OUT OF MY LIFE
oh my god
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-There are so many times when I hate you and I think you're the dumbest shit on the planet and I can't believe that I liked you. But I read this corny ass thing I wrote about you... and I cried.
I do still miss you...
I miss feeling like someone had hope for me.
And someone thought everything I said made at least some sense... and was an intelligent statement.
I think your reasons for leaving me are retarded. Point blank. I think you are an arrogant and pretentious son of a bitch... and right now I would never want you back.
But I want someone to have hope for me again.
I'm sorry I crapped out... I just didn't feel like running anymore.

-I don't think I'm really going to stay in touch with my best friends from high school. At least, not for long. There's only one person I know that's really special enough for me to make that kind of effort. I'm totally fine with all that.
Response: agreed. only i don't want to keep contact with anyone. hakuna matata. put your past behind you, and never look back.
yet i fear the past always comes back to haunt people in the future.

-I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence to get away from all my lies

Update #33

2006-12-31T07:56:10Z

I figured I better update before this thing gets too out of hand in a week or so.
Better now than a month from now...
Still out of pics btw

-Your two best friends hate you but they are too scared of you to do anything.

-I don't wear shorts; you don't see the little bruises.

-i. hate. having. stretchmarks. ugliest thing in the world. i wish i could rub them off and get new skin.

-I spent every second of my Christmas with my family thinking about fucking you
To all a good night indeed!

-the more you call to just "check up" on me or see how im doing, the more i despise you. stop calling me. stop texting me. honestly your just making me feel so guilty to the point of nausea. the completely dead feeling i have inside is all your fault because thats all our realtionship ever was. it was basically nothing. please just leave me alone, i dont have courage enough to tell you that i dont care about you anymore.

-for the past week, I've been falling asleep trying to convince myself that you are there. and then when I wake up, you really are almost there, like a ghost that I can kiss and bury myself into. is it wrong for me to imagine that?

-Even though he is shorter than me and a little odd looking, I like him.
And I would date him if my friends wouldn't make fun of me for it.
Every time I talk to him I fall for him more and more.

-it's been months and i'm still entirely broken hearted.
it still hurts.

-by day two of family bonding i couldn't think of anything but getting high or getting laid. it sucked.
Response: in the same situation.
stay strong.

-Sometimes I come onto this site...hoping to read something so awe inspiring or amazing that it will make me look at life completely differently. And it's happened a few times. And that picture post made me smile a little.
And I'm beginning to think maybe I need to change something in my life to make other people be inspired.
...and I'm starting with you.

-Tonight I was alone, and I looked in the mirror. I made a wish that the next time you looked into your mirror, you'd see me blowing a kiss.

-I am drowning in you. Absolutely drowning.

-Just let it be that way.

-i know you've walked through more life than i,
but i've seen some things in these twenty years
and you can draw me all the maps of the falling places
but the only way I'll find them is if i do it myself.

-why did you have to catch me off guard like that? I can't believe my stupid little brain couldn't come up with anything better to say to you!

-I'll probably save that silly letter of yours for as long as I live.

-I just did something I know I shouldn't have done.
And I couldn't be happier about it.

-we snuck out of your party early

Update #32

2006-12-25T03:50:33Z

Alright, I'll admit that it's been entirely too long since I last updated. Well, here's the last month of posts...
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night...
ps. I'm out of pics

    Response:

-if only you knew...

-You make me happier than I have ever been.

-everyday i tell myself i want to be a better person
2 minutes later the bratty bitch inside of me comes out because my family brings out the worst in me

-Sometimes my cell phone will randomly light up and I'll catch it in the corner of my eye, hoping it means that somebody is calling.
But then the light turns off and my heart sinks a little.
I just hope that one day, someone will call me and make me feel a little less alone.

-There's nothing better than waking up and feeling you inisde me . . . or is that worse?

-I fucked up so badly that I punsihed myself by burning my wrist for the first time in months.
I. need. help.

-I feel so incomplete. You waltzed in here and you just swept me up into your arms again and we both expected everything to work out, and it did, until you left. Dating her doesn't even make sense! I hope she can convince you of that, cause if not I'm walking the other way and hopefully, I can convince myself never to come back.

-Ow. That stings.

-I wanted to be that person who you were talking about. I still want to.

-I had a dream last night where you and I were sitting on a couch and you just kept repeating, with a straight face on, "This one time at band camp.." for the entire dream. It was the single most annoying thing ever. And to top it all off, it doesn't even make sense because a)you're not in band (plus you'd most likely be pretty awful if you tried to play an instrument), b)I don't find you annoying at all, and c)we've never watched American Pie together. So thus I've concluded that my subconcious mind is, in fact, fucked up. Oh goody.

-I feel so alien and uncomfortable everywhere I go. Either I make an ass out of myself, or I hurt everyone's feelings until they rightfully decide just to stop talking to me. I show love in the bitchiest ways and disappoint the people that need to know how much I need them. I feel like a total outsider, and not just because of my fucked-up personality. One of my best friends is becoming someone I don't want to even look in the eye anymore. Everyone I used to know and love is so different, and everyone I want to love now just can't love me back. I'm alone every day, no matter how much fun I have or how many times someone assures me my friendship is mutual. This is sounding worse than it probably is, but it hurts even more because my friends are all I have. Without this stupid, flimsy, fake support system, it would probably be better if I didn't even exist. People say they love me back, but because I'm such a terrible person, I know it can't be true. I know it isn't. No one is willing to hug me long enough, stay that extra second to talk a little deeper, surprise me with something really meaningful. And they don't do this because I don't matter. I don't matter to anyone, and it's my fault.

-I feel guilty for being upset that you hurt me. That's screwed up.

-my heart was racing when you closed the door on us. it was just you and me alone together. I've never been completely alone with you before. I seriously wanted to grab you and kiss you or jump on top of you. grrrr stop being off-limits! Why is almost everyone I like so old?!

-i still fucking cry over you. god. you have no idea.

-i hope it won't be hard trying to live life without a family.

-The reason I think about death so much is because I want it so badly.

-i wanna fall in love, and i wanna understand relationships, but
everytime i know the guy likes me back, i back away. i think its because im
afraid. i always find some reason to back away, and if i do this all of
my life, im afraid im gonna live my life alone. my biggest fear is
being alone.

-i procrastinate to the point where im absent on due dates, and tests.

-my self esteem fluxuates sickeningly, and its depressing.

-i feel like im never good enough.

-when i think about graduating and going to college.. i wanna vomit.

-i regret alot of decisions i've made over the years.

-when i was younger i used to be so jealous of my cousin that i did
things out of spite that hurt her and i actually felt good doing it.   it
really hard admitting that because i look back now and i can't imagine
what kind of person would do that. i've grown up and out of that stage
a long time ago, but still, the fact that i even did it is horrible.

- i wanna love somebody, but i dont know if i can ever make the plunge

-Thanksgiving only further proved that my family is not a family. I can't wait to get out of here. I know I'll probably regret all of this later, but god help me I'm so sick of living in fear of the future. I think I'm just better off without them.

-Why are boys so blind?

-Can you be any more inconsistent!?! Way to send mixed signals!

-Remember that time when I randomly burst into laughter? It wasn't because of what you thought. The truth is that I was laughing at how crazy it is that I'm so in love with you.

-I definitely have hidden reasons for being so busy all the time.

-i am considering suicide.
      Response: Please don't do it.

-Why must verything be aboutyou?

-I've gotta admit, I kind of like you a little. Not enough to make anything happen but...i think you're my type. and I actually meant what I was saying to you, even though it was supposed to be pretend.

-i really just can't look at you the same anymore.
i've lost respect for you...
both of you.
which is very scary.

-today was almost the happiest day of my life until I snapped back to reality.

-whenever i'm not with my friends, i usually cry, because i have nothing left.

-I feel so lost.

-i pray that my dreams reflect what's to come
last night i dreamt that we were sitting across from each other at two desks in a classroom. we stood still, sitting there, when we slowly started swinging our legs far enough that they went other the other's desk. at one point you kissed me, thats when my leg kicked out too far and it hit you in the knee . . .
symbolism much?

-you...will be the death of me.

-your pretty face is going to hell.
      Response: lol this is my favorite secret, not sure why.

-I think that its very possible that part of the reason (but not the only reason) you care(d) for her so much is because it was so different from what went on between the two of us. You two were actually dating, so there was never any need for a conversation about where things were going, where that was the same discussion that we had over and over, and got hazier and hazier as time passed and I asked it more and you gave me more wishy-washy answers. Because you were dating, things were clear. She could've been just as nice or nicer, just as pretty or prettier, just as intelligent or more or less interetsting, but because she wasn't psychotic like me and knew where she stood in the relationship, its possible you could've liked her more, just because of a title.
The connection you shared with her could very well be due to the lack of psychosis and willingness to just "go with it" and enjoy the moment. I just want you to know I'm perfectly capable if you didn't such confusing signals.

-Excuse me! Not all relationships are serious! What's wrong with having a fun relationship that just takes everything as it comes and that you could make more serious when and if you wanted. I was never planning on marrying you, or having kids with you, so Why do you make it sound like it would be the death of you and like its so incredibly difficult? If you can fuck me, I think you could date me. Its not like I stalked you. Shit, we barely saw each other, and I was never constantly calling you either. Don't make me sound like a stalker because we know that's bullshit.
Stop being a pussy and grow some balls. Its time to be a man.

-I hate having to always be the reasonable one in this house...yet somehow I'm the one still awake at 3:30am thinking...

-I'm so scared of you. you'd better fucking not talk to my guidance counselor. you bastard. I thought you were cool. what the fuck was that?!

-everything that happened this past summer is a memory burned permanently inside my mind.

--i'm starting to like you. i can't stop thinking about you ever since
we hooked up, but you have used so many girls.. i dont wanna be naive in
thinking it will be different with me.. but i do have some reason to
think so. i just dont wanna be wrong. please dont hurt me. i have so much
to offer and if u could see that.. you would realize how much ur life
would improve. dont miss out on me.. and dont let me miss out on you.

-When I was younger, my grandfather would give me the free singles CDs he got from his job. One of the singles was Caught Out There by Kelis...back before her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. This was my relief song. And where my addiction to music as my relief began.
After tonight...I'm sitting on my bed listening to it for the first time in years...with my blacklight looking at my arms...wondering if it's time to go back....
It feels like coming home.

-i hope this is all true.
i hope you fuck things up between you two of you.

-I honestly think that after everything, all the painful moments, after all of the horrible things we said to each other, it could still work. The time spent away from you, and watching you from a distance as I avoided you because I was afraid, let me understand the way you act around other girls: Mr. Flirt, its just the way you are. You never acted like that with me, not when we were doing shit at least, it was different, it was better. And with the information that I know now, I think things between us could work out much better than they ever have before if you were willing to take a chance.

-I wish you would just leave me alone...

-my tastebuds just had a flashback moment. lets just put it this way, it wasnt a food.

--I haven't told you guys yet because I know you won't give a fuck.

-Seriously...I masturbate too much. I have masturbated in math class. It is so abnormal.

-Its understandable as to why you wouldn't want me. I'm so fucked up. One little thing and POOF! All my sanity, all control I have over myself (or at least when I'm with you) goes away. I don't like myself. I don't like what's happened. And its probably my fault and didn't even realize it.

-I'm sorry, but I don't want you.

-I can still feel your hand burning on my arm.

-I've lost the desire to spill my guts to my computer screen. I wonder if that's a good thing.

-i dont wanna seem like a freak or anything, but im secretly in love with the two other people in the room right now. they are two different genders

-not over you

-I actually went through with it. omg.

-Sometimes...you can be a really bad significant other.

-surprise me sometime.

-To everyone who reads thesecretgame:
Christmas is coming. Whether or not you have someone to spend it with, or if your year is going horribly, or if you know your presents will be bad - enjoy it. Love is all around.
      Response: yeah love is all around, and being sent to everyone but the ppl who rly need it

-I've been getting the urges to vomit again. It has become a daily struggle not to shove my fingers down my throat and let everything, all my feelings and sadness, come up and leave. It's how I control things, it's how I feel safe. I don't know any other way. I feel so hollow and sad. I'm sick of crying in school and hiding it, sick of my painful nervous habits, sick of taking pills, sick of staring into space because I just can't seem to concentrate on anything, sick of wishing that one morning I just wouldn't wake up, sick of being not good enough, sick of wondering what the point is of living. I can tell that my "friends" think I'm just being emotional or overreacting but they have no idea what goes on inside my head or how much I truly hate myself. That's why most of them don't even know anything. And sometimes I think the ones that do couldn't care less. I want to talk to someone and just cry and scream and let everything out, but I'm so scared of letting them see the real me, how I truly feel. I'll freak them out. Fuck.. there's got to be something better than this...

-i can turn myself on whilst i pee

-...i bet you think this [post] is about you.

-no, you can't have a pony.
      Response:GODDAMN. :[

-i was diagnosed with clinical depression.
well gee thanks doc, i sure needed you to figure out that i fucking hate myself. fucking therapists think they know everything.

-you're a bunch of fucking sheep. dont you know how to think for yourselves? you're such a goddamn bunch of fucking losers. stop feeling things just because people say you're supposed to. think for your fucking self. you're so easily influenced. you're all such fucking idiots.
a certain someone knows who this is and i know she's loling. =)

-I know a lot more than they give me credit for...I just don't say it.
It scares me that so much more happened though and that I have no clue of. And I want to know. I really want to know.
But...who am I to ask for that information? It's only my life we're talking about.

-i just feel really lost right now. you make me so confused. sometimes i dont know if i love you or if i hate you...or if they're even both the same thing. that day at the park...it was pretty magical, lol, i know that sounds corny. but i really felt something. but then the next day, you just were so...snappy with me...you told me you just didnt have the time.
i love you but i dont know if i can deal with you. you're tearing me apart.
heres one last chance...for us.

-little do you know but i still hate you. you've ruined my life. i lost my virginity to you and then you wanted to go for him? what a skank you must be. i wish i had the courage to tell you to your face that its because of you that i cut myself every night now. but you'll never know, no one will, because the cuts are places nobody will look. you make my life miserable. everytime i see you i want to vomit.
i cant wait to get out of here.

-okay...the other day... you were pissing me off so bad.... i went to the bathroom and pulled a few pieces of hair out of my ass and dropped them into your milkshake when you werent looking.
sorry =/
but you were being an ass

-to my list of reasons that i hate myself i can now add:
cheater
liar
whore

-It's not that I'm oversensitive. It's just that you're an asshole. And you're a terrible friend. And all of the shit that you say to me has actually made me think that if I died it wouldn't matter because that's how unimportant I am. You think you're funny but I don't find it funny when I cry after I talk to you because I'm not worth living.
Thanks "friend".

-I can't help but feel like all of the problems in my life are your fault. And you smell bad. go take a fucking shower already.

-Je n'ai vu que toi là. M'as-tu vu?

-it was such a relief to not see you last night.

-I wanted you to stay...

-I wonder what you'll get me for the holidays. I can't have you. So I'm wondering what you'll replace yourself with.
It can't be half as good.

-i know what it's like to be happy, and at the same time i know what it's like to never belong.

-I'm so afraid that you'll kill yourself and it will be all my fault.
Please, I didn't mean to hurt you like this.

-I'M NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update #31

2006-11-27T02:08:50Z

It has been wayyyyy too long since I updated. Sorry about that. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

-I'm so happy that I have a little piece of you with me. I've been thinking about you non-stop since last night.

-once a CIT, forever scarred by small children. may summer '07 be just as enjoyable. *insert eye roll here*

-fuckkkkk why can I not control myself. I don't know if I can be around you for a while. I want to die so badly right now.

-i will keep trying. i'm not gonna stop until im satisfied

-i dreamt about italy and you avoided me the whole trip and kissed other girls right in front of my face.

-im leaving soon. i dont have time to fuck around. i dont have time for a serious relationship. i just want everything to be okay. i want things to just be on stable ground because right now i see a teeter totter with all the weight on one side. its not balanced and it has to divvy itself up.

-i've convinced myself that you're avoiding me. and i really don't blame you.

-Everything I have in mind
It begins to fade away
I searched for it and I longed for it
And now I know it's gone
Everything has slipped away
And I'm so overwhelmed
Everything that rests upon my shoulders fell
I would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves,
I'm sorry

-you made me not feel so anxious all the time.
thank you.

-Dear Mrs. Morgan,
When I'm looking for college recommendations, I will not come to you. You were a nice person when I had you, but beyond that your projects suck. Thanks. Sincerely, ...

-I'm surprised when I find myself smiling.

-That was the first time I admitted that little fact, and it seriously felt so releasing. It would've helped more if you even knew him, but still. That's what friends are for. Luv ya forever

-i am always sooo nervous that im saying the wrong things.

-I want to know if you really loved me but I don't know what you'll think if I ask. I want you to love me back but even if you did I don't know if I could ever be with you. I'd have to be really special to you for me to trust you and I'm not that "special" kinda girl I don't have the body for it.
I wish I didn't fuck everything up.

-I can't help but feel happy when I think of you.

-the way you were with me the other night... if you were like that all the time I'd be set for life.
you have stolen my heart.

-I'm really attracted to this one guy...except he has a girlfriend.
The thing is, I don't actually "like him" like him, just as a friend..ish.
I don't know..he's on my mind a lot, he's funny and stuff, but I wouldn't want it to be anything more than friends who flirt a lot..and stuff.
Oh and did I mention I..uh..had a dream about him last night.
Yeah I know that's kind of weird, especially because I'm absolutely positive I really don't have any feelings for him..emotionally.
Hm

-i cant stand life anymore. i just need2 go away and maybe then ill be able to smile without feeling sick inside. i hate myself and i hate this place. if i dont come back from the city tomorrow, dont be surprised.

-i'm falling for you

-I know I shouldn't be treated like this but no one treats me any better...
Response:Someone will.

-i can't stop myself from iming you
and when i do i can't stop myself from rambling
you make me so insecure
I just hope you see the good in me
Response:I feel like you took that right out of my mouth...

-I fell asleep thinking about you and imagining that you were there with me. nothing nasty or anything, just you holding me and me finally being able to sleep. Like you were a giant stuffed animal.
It's too bad I'm completely crazy.

-you were my escape from everything and everyone and now youre not there at all
and you don't care.

-24/7 you're all i think about. i get that feeling in my stomach like a kid gets when they still believe in santa and he winks at them or hugs them in the mall. but it scares me because i see how happy you finally are, and i know that we could never happen. no matter what u say i could never tell u this because it would change things and i cant let that happen. id rather have u like i do now then not have u at all. right now you're my reason for getting up in the morning.

-i cant do this, and i cant end it. i wouldnt want to end it anyway.

-I'm not good enough. I never was good enough. I never will be good enough.
So why do I keep trying?

-Just once, I want to be the one suprised with something thoughtful.

-this is pretty pathetic, really. but it was two years. and when I talk to you and you're in a thoughtful mood, I find myself falling back in love with you, not that I really think I ever stopped loving you. I know I haven't. it's just hard to coordinate, I suppose. but I really do love you. I hope that eventually, you'll find the same flame in your heart, meant for me.

-You are so beautiful.

-I am so deprived of human contact that I get shivers when people brush past me.

-I almost want him to realize I like him. It's so obvious but he's so oblivious.

-I haven't stopped dreaming yet.

-Do you choose not to see or do you really not see at all?

-That girl reminded me so much of you. I couldn't take it...I had to shut it off and finish it later.

-I'm actually going to do it... I feel so empowered :)

-I know you're not mine but if something happens between you two, I don't think i'll ever be able to look at you again.
Response: you totally just read my mind.

-How far do I have to push it before I know that it's time to give up?

-I'm sorry but shut the fuck up. No one cares.
-and then there were none - story of my life. slowly the number gets smaller and smaller and i lose people i can talk to, people that care and will listen, people i can trust.
i have no one

-I heard your conversation. so stop hitting your girlfriend. I have no respect for people who do that.

-you were the one who said you were feeling depressed,i never asked. i'm going to want to help and also want some answers but you yell at me to mind my business not to care but how could i possibly do that? please let me help you, i don't think you would've even said anything if you didn't want my help.

-i'm lost without human contact.

-what happened 2my best friend? the girl ive known since elementary school? you think youre so cool, but you never needed to change. i cant stand being around you anymore. your so fake now it makes me want to puke. those guys u hang around, their fucked up and you might think your such a bad ass but your just a fake. a big fucking fake. you need2 wake up and realize that no one likes who your trying to be. and i, the girl who has always been there for you nomatter what, who never questioned anything you did, who went along with everything, and even did drugs with you so i could stay your friend, cannot follow you down the path that going down now. i wish i could, with all my heart i dearly wish that i could follow you forever. i love you, honestly i do and it pains me to realize that this is the parting of the ways. please dont make me leave you.

-"We" are complexity, to the extent that I don't know what you're here for- sex, company, or something deeper. I don't know which one of those choices I would prefer, honestly, but I know that I can't keep my mind off you and the way you make me feel. And all of the times you've shown your desire, it's most evident now, in a different, more respectable way. For heaven's sake, why did it have to be now? I would go to far lengths to love you. As long as we don't keep kidding ourselves.

-I am an idiot. Nothing else; just a huge damn idiot.

-I'm so scared you'll have sex with someone else. I'd never be able to be with you. But I want to be with you so badly. Please don't hurt me again. You've already done enough.

-B

-Am I in love with you?

-im getting the feeling that you dont give a shit about me. your using me, and everytime i come over i feel like the biggest whore. i wish you cared about me. i just need someone to care, and want me for something more then just the sexual stuff.

-Whenever you say that I shouldn't worry about being confused about my sexuality, that I can be "attracted" to girls and still be perfectly normal, that I would only have to worry if I thought about a girl all the time and really had a huge crush on her...It always makes me feel worse because by your own definition, I would be gay. What would you think of me if you knew all I thought about was one girl since 9th grade, and that when I watch movies I always look at the female actors more than the male ones, and that I have these romantic fantasies about my teacher who is, in fact, a woman (big surprise there). Mom, hasn't it ever occurred to you that it might be abnormal for the only guys I think about to be famous, dead, or fictional? Isn't that a little weird? Whenever I try to test the waters a little bit and tell you, "hey mom, I think I might like girls", you always give me the same answer. That you'd still love me if I did like girls, but I probably don't really like them. You have no idea how much I appreciate your support; I know that you could be so much worse. But I'm also looking for your acceptance. I love you mom, I don't want you to think I'm a joke.
Response:There's a chance she won't accept what you have to say about it, so you have to know in your heart that you're not a joke. It'll be easier for other people around you to understand it if you keep yourself strong and you know what you want or the general direction you'd like to go in. Your mom can accept honesty and truth, I think, but maybe you really do just have to tell her all at once and say, "That's how it is. This is how I am." Just give it some time and keep working on it. She'll come around. You're brave just for trying.

-Why does your reaction always have to be sexual, not emotional? I hate that I can't get any feeling from you in person. It makes everything else you say sound meaningless, but I keep falling for it because everything you say has a certain charm to it. I've been warned time and time again that this is not good for me, that you're not to be trusted, and I know in a few years I'll kick myself for ever meeting you but until then, just fake it. Make me feel better. I don't walk to your house for sex.

-I lost my virginity today. I know it's supposed to make you feel all special and different inside but it didn't for me. Maybe it's because I wish I had waited for the perfect moment. I feel like I just did it because of how sad and lonely I am. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is regret or not.

-Lately I've had to fight off daily urges to throw myself in front of a car or take a bunch of pills and just end it all because I'm sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time. I want to be happy, that's all, and it seems like that's not going to happen. Everyone says it will get better but it doesn't, it just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm close to tears about 99% of the time, I'm having trouble sleeping again, I keep spacing out and losing concentration, I keep getting sick, I'm making wrong decisions, and I just feel so hopeless and sad. I'm completely empty inside. And I know my doctor will just want to up my meds, but the truth is that I hate myself for even having to be on them. I mean, how weak is that? That I have to rely on pills to keep me sane and happy? I feel so pathetic and ashamed when I take them. All I want is to be able to be happy on my own. Please..
Response: lots of people have to take uppers to feel normal, or even slightly close to normal (myself included) your not alone, dont worry :)

-Tonight while we were confessing grievances, I mentioned how I thought it was strange that it's been forever since you said, "I love you" first. You said, "I do. I always will."
I hope you keep to your promise.

-your eyes are the reason I go to school every day

-...IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou

Update #30

2006-11-11T22:11:51Z

-i never said that i didnt need you.

-I've been having this recurring dream where we're all in school and he's being taken away by people. I don't know who they are or why they need him, but they look like soldiers and they're taking him away. As he's being dragged away, he notices me in the crowd of people, crying. And he breaks away from the men, runs to me, and kisses me in front of everyone. He tells me he loves me and wishes he had told me sooner. And we just stare into each other's eyes and I don't even have to say I love you back because he just knows it already. Then we hug, holding onto each other so tightly, weeping. Then the soldiers rip him from me and take him away. And I just sob in the middle of the hallway, wishing we had had more time together.

-When I was younger, I had the biggest crush on Ash from the cartoon series of Pokemon.

-We had been at a barbeque and we were playing a game where we basically kept tackling each other. I hit into your chest once and I remember you saying that it really hurt. But you said you were fine and we kept playing and having fun. Right before you left, you mentioned again that it still hurt, but you laughed it off. Two days later, you died of a heart attack. It has been three years and I still blame myself for it everyday.

-Even though I know it was a lie, that secret you left made me so suspicious of him that I can't even look him in the eye anymore.
And now I cry at least once a day thinking about how I must have not been good enough for him. I could have been a better girlfriend.
You changed my reality.
And I hate you for it.

-what on earth am I gonna write in your christmas card for choir
because what I want to write will just make things more weird than they already are and we'll jus drift further apart

-I don't know why I go to therapy...even there I lie to make things seem okay.
       Response:AMEN.

-i luved bein alone with you out on the field.

-the things you wrote hurt me so badly. I don't think you understand how much your opinion matters to me.

-stop saying we have to talk, it just makes me cringe.

-You guys all need to shut up and get over yourselves. I've stood by you when you were in this situation. Suck it up and be a friend instead of an asshole.

-your mom has turned into the scariest, most threatening being on the planet. but i love it. oh so much, do i love it.

-i`m just scared from the magnitude of this all. but thanks for being there, you were always a good friend to me.

-I'd rather die than let you get away with this one. We're going to have a talk on wednesday and you're probably not going to like it.

-just when i think i'm moving on, and i've met someone i think i'm attracted to, you come to mind and then i feel like this person could never fill the void like you did
     Response: ditto

-Why can't someone who claims to be so mature face me and talk to me like a professional? You know what you want, you say you're an adult. If you can't even do that, then you're not the person I thought you were. But hey, all I've learned about you from this was that you are not the same person from years past and that the only thing you were good at was lying.

-i dont want to have any feelings for you. im usually so good at stayin completely emotionally detached but this time its different. im so scared that your gonna break my heart.

-I watched him look at her from across the room. He doesn't look at me the same way. He's not over her and I'm just his rebound.

-I realize you got the piece of ass you needed and that's all you care about, but you seriously should not be doing that to people you supposedly care about. If you really cared, you would't use people like that. Even if you were able to look at me after what happened, you wouldn't have kept this up for very long. Think about it, what are you really after?
P.S. Your excuse of not wanting to ruin our friendship seems like bullshit. I hope you really mean it. I hope you can prove it. And I hope you turn out to be a better person than you are now, because if not, the female world is going to step on you.

-Now I'm kinda considering structuring my college plans around you.
      Response: That's probably not the best thing you could do for yourself. Think about what you want too, and where each decision could lead you. Good luck.

-I'm going shopping this week for the clothing that I'm going to wear at your funeral. It's so sad that you're still alive but we're all preparing for your death. I love you so much...

-ive never seen u more open than when you were choking back ur tears the other day as u told me your thoughts. in a way it was really beautiful. i wish i can be as honest with you as you are with me but im just always a little bit too late. but i have told u stuff that ive never told anyone. you have no idea how much u have helped me.

-I don't think I can ever be really close with you again. I'm trying, but this isn't my fault. Everyone else feels the same way. You've changed and your priorities have changed. You're making this impossible.

-the one thing that kept me going today was the knowledge that I was wearing two different coloured socks. yellow on my right foot and pink on my left. I had a pretty bad day but my socks made me feel so much better.

-On that day, more than a month from now, I'll probably sit at home for hours and hope someone shows up and shows me that they love me.

-teh only reason i read this is 4 ur secrets

-as much as i would love to, i just can't act like your best friend anymore.
things aren't the same and you know it.
i'm not over you.
and you don't want me.
so i'm making new friends.
My priorities don't seem like they're in order but right now I just want to feel happy so that I don't slip into that depression again.
That's my main priority

-I'm really sorry, but if you start to date her, but I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. Considering I was supposed to be the one.

-I would never say this to your face, because I know you try so hard...but the truth is, you were being a crazy nazi bitch today

-my favorite sport is watching you sleep, I like knowing you don't know I am there.

-i just do not know what to fucking do. i can't stop eating for a day, and i can't puke. i really don't care what the next step is, as long as it finally works.

-No one knows how sick I really am.

-i dont think i could ever feel more alive then when you stand so close and whisper in my ear.

-There's this look you give me sometimes that makes me go crazy.

-I wish you knew how pissed I am at you. you just don't get it... you don't think you've done anything wrong.

-I'm sorry, everyone, for being such a stupid mean bitch.
:(

I deserve everything I get.

-I would have told you earlier but I really had no clue how you'd react.
And now that you know, you haven't really reacted at all.
I'm so unbelievably frustrated.

-I'm glad you weren't there. I had so much fun without you.

-i sometimes - well always - want to kiss u. u look like a kid and i get so confused b/c I feel really attracted to u and i want to act on it. then I remember how wrong it would be, and how complicated it would make things. if we were the same age though, I would probably be all over u.

-Could you just fucking talk to me about it and stop being so God damn immature? My lord you're the gayest person I've ever met.

-I have my heart set on you now.

-I would have made the first move.
You wouldn't have had to do a thing.
But you never gave me a chance.

-that little blush of hope appeared and i'm feeling optimistic now. i just don't want to mess it up. i want my friend back. yeah other things would be a perk, but i need this for the year to be whole.

-I've decided to leave you blank because you mean nothing to me. one day maybe you'll see it and then you'll understand.

Update #29

2006-11-05T18:00:47Z

Hi! So there weren't that many posts this week and therefore I will put up a few more pictures than usual to compensate.
And continue to take the poll in the post below this one. It's an anonymous way to satisfy my curiousity.

-plain and simple- I wish you were here. maybe I'd have you back.

-im hoping one day one of you will post the name of that person you're crushing on. and maybe it will be my name. so i can hope its you.

-well speed's the key, and they don't know who we are.

-I don't trust you at all.

-I had a wonderful dream about you the other day, I didn't at all want to wake up and ruin it, which is when I realized just how much I despise alarm clocks and time schedules and work. If only you were thinking of me too. ::sigh:: .definition of lovesick here.

-who says that girls can't masturbate!

-My mom said that she told me (and not my brother) where her secret stash was because she could trust me. What she doesn't know is that I "borrowed" $20. I never even used it, I just took it out because I was afraid of not having money on me. I promised myself that if I didn't use the money, I would put it back as soon as I got home. It's been a few weeks and I can't get myself to put it back though. It's almost like I want her to catch me.

-I want to go biking across the country with you dearest Mr. Buchman. And bring the cats along too. Let's just go.

-i'm so pissed that i'm crying. i really hate them right now.

-I'm so glad we started talking today. I think it'll lead to great things. <3 little italy, 11/2/06.

-I like him...again. I've loved him for a long time but I don't always like him. I try not to because there's nothing I can do about it.
And I'm so jealous.

-I have to admit, for some reason I love reading other peoples annoymous comments on here. I dont know if I enjoy reading about others peoples problems, not because I want to be a bitch but because it makes some of mine not seem as bad, or if its because I wish he'd say something about me on here, but I just keep coming back to see peoples new comments.

-I broke it.
All of it.

-while you were talking my ear off I was basically organizing a friends with benefits arrangement with someone else. I'm so desperate to express myself in other ways that I would do anything to impress this guy... but I really want this guy to turn into you.

-There is one question I lie about on every myspace survey.

-You are always in my dreams.

-You have no idea how many hours I waste every day, thinking about just kissing you.

-I just can't see myself as worthy of being loved. So I don't bother

Update #28

2006-11-01T02:48:05Z

Sorry for the delay, guys. As you know my birthday and Sweet Sixteen were this past weekend and they kept me pretty busy. Thanks for all of the birthday wishes and thanks for keeping pretty civil this week. Congrats on over 1000 text secrets and 100 pictures since this site started in July. Pretty impressive.
Edit: Take this poll that I made in order to figure out more about what kind of people use this site. There is no way I can figure out who you are by you answering, I promise. So answer truthfully.
Free polls from Pollhost.com
Where are you from?(Choose 1) How old are you?(Choose 1)
Plainview/Old Bethpage Other on Long Island Other in New York Other in New England Mid-Atlantic Midwest The South The Southwest The West Under 13 13 or 14 15 or 16 17 or 18 19 or 20 Over 20

-i'm in love with you

-it scares me, how much i want him.

-.uoy tuoba gnimaerd yad yreve fo dnoces yreve dneps I
.sdrawkcab m'I
.sdrawkcab si noitautis elohw sihT
...od ot gniog I ma tahW

-fuck you all. its just us. we just matter now. we`ll carry on. you dont believe. do or die, they`ll never make me. the world will never take my heart.

-I've been trying to throw up for like 3 days now, and I just can't do it.
I hate my body so fucking much. I am disgusting.

-I know its over but you're fucking stuck in my head and i cant help but think of you all the time.. you're driving me crazy!!
WHY did we do something so stupid as give up on each other?
and why did I let it be over?

-most of my insecurities/issues with my friends could probably be solved or improved if they put me in their top 8 or 12 or whatever on myspace. I know, that's the most stupid thing in the world, and I'm very embarrassed to admit that I'm so superficial. I just need that kind of reassurance though because I'm so insecure. I never think that the people I like actually like me.

-i'm just not feelin' it.

-my boyfriend and my best friend like eachother, of this i am sure and im scared that he doesnt like me anymore and is just pretending so that he doesnt hurt my feelings

-im so convinced this isnt what you want
prove me wrong

-just when it stops bothering me and i'm not upset for a period of time, it somehow manages to come back and make me upset and each time it comes back it feels worse and worse

-I have had enough of you flatleaving me at the last minute. Its rude and it makes you one less person I can relay on and it blows.
And I have had enough of hearing the same story about the same girls over and over. Its not impressing me, it just makes it look like you see women as conquests and not as people with feelings. This whole idea that you have in your head that "our friendship could withstand a hook up or more . . ." is complete bullshit. You are in an "open relationship," but you get upset and broody when she is with other guys . . . Sometimes I think you're purposely setting yourself up to get hurt so you can get sympathy and attention from someone somwehere and its pathetic.
Stop brooding, you're putting yourself in the situation, and I'm sorry I'm NOT interested. So stop.
But of course I could never say this to your face because I'd just be called a bitch. Once I'm out of your circle I can see the conversations you'd have with your friends saying how I'm "dirty" and a "slut" for doing stuff with other guys and was in a situation you just didn't understand along with the jealousy that grew inside you because you just couldn't understand why I wasn't interested - more like not interested in you using me to touch my boobs and turn it into some elaborate story (that isn't realistic whatsoever) to tell people about and crack jokes about at social gatherings.
Stop being a fucking dramaqueen.

-I'm hoping it won't work out. oh how mean of me.

-I'm sorry if I let you down. Please, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

-You know what? fuck you. I do all the calling, I hold up the conversations, I'm doing all the work. If you dont want to talk just fucking tell me that but don't put up this front that you still love me and care about me and then you don't call. our conversations are stupid and shallow when we once had real feelings and wanted to discuss life and the things that matter. band doesn't matter, petty things don't matter! stop making it seem like the world is ending please, i can't take it. my world ended when you left.
distance makes the heart grow fonder... what a joke.
in all seriousness, I can't enjoy being with anyone else because there's a gaping hole in my chest where my heart was. that's your fault. you don't have any decency. no really, you don't. fix it or don't, but make up your damn mind.

-petty anger sucks. it eats at you more than the bigger problems, and really doesnt help when you should be focusing on those bigger problems.
aghhhhhhhfiejaoieawf

-Mr. Pal's jeans made his ass look really hot today. I mean, he isn't the "hot type". But those jeans...man, they did INSANE things to his choir-ific bootay.
Okay I feel better now.

-mr. cutajar just saved my life...
(or metaphorically, my math average)

-I hated breaking your heart today...
but it would've been worse if I stayed.

-I wonder if you would hold my hand. I wonder if you could like me. But I'm probably already coming on too strong.

-guess what Buchman, I don't do your hw anymore. I haven't read the textbook since our last test. I haven't done an outline since the one you gave us during the first week of school. it's glorious.
Oh, I also looked up your sisters on google. Carol is my favourite of the Buchmans so far. She's definitely cooler than Rachel. Probably cooler than you also. You're not too bad, but you kind of remind me of an octopus. I can't explain it. You just give of an octopus sort of vibe.

-I'm really into you.

-guilty for loving you? ...not at all.

-I like two guys.
One is totally unobtainable and the other could be so easily mine that it hurts.
I told one that I like the other and now he's helping me get him.
But the more I flirt with the other, the more I want the first one back.
I'm confusing myself as I'm typing this.
I wish I had just kept my big mouth shut.

-I always feel attracted to older guys. I'm not talking seniors or college guys either. I'm talking adults. I connect so much better with adults than kids my age simply because, in terms of maturity, I'm way beyond high school. Probably because I was forced to grow up at a young age. Anyway, it kills me. Especially now. Because the person I like (and have liked for a long time) is much too old for me. I mean, we're in completely different places in our lives right now and can never be together. And yet, here I am. Wishing that you weren't more than 20 years older than me so that maybe, just maybe, we could have a chance.

-you're a goddamned hypocrite

-who's to say- vanessa carlton.
I've got this imbedded in me. I play it on the piano at least 10 times every day lately, to make sure I've got it right. And because I want to. And then I perform it for myself, or whoever in my house may be listening, upstairs or across their hall, living their quiet, separate lives. It's something I have to prove, sort of. My expressiveness pours out into anything that she writes. And I think I'll perform it for my piano teacher, so that he can realize Clementi isn't the only thing I can handle. I'm doing it next Sunday at a concert too. Last year someone I didn't know came up to me afterwards and told me that I was special in comparison to the other students who played, because he could tell I meant it, and I poured everything into that piece.
I hope I get a similar comment this year.

-I'm pretty confused right now. I haven't been genuinely attracted to a boy in a while, and just recently I met one who I was strangely drawn to. But it was different. I thought he was really interesting and had beautiful eyes; and I'll even admit that I was getting butterflies thinking about him. But I don't know if I could feel anything beyond that for a guy. So far I haven't. I've only felt something deep for a girl. I hope that can change though. this is so hypocritical of me because I'm one of those people who's like "yay for gay!" all the time, but honestly, I would be so relieved if I wasn't. I'm hoping that this is just some crazy hormonal phase I'm going through and that I'll calm down when I'm older and just go along with how it's supposed to be. But then part of me thinks that whatever makes me happy is how it's supposed to be, and that I should just go with the flow and be with a girl if I like her. I feel guilty for always contradicting myself. I can't even look at people anymore because I feel like if I show them my eyes, they can see right through me. I'm paranoid around my parents, my brothers, my relatives, my teachers, and even my friends who I know would accept me anyway. I guess it's not even being gay that I would be ashamed of; it's the fact that I lost control so easily and I gave up fighting it. Now I can't even go back. I've wasted so much of my life on this and I realize that it's time to move on, but I still can't shake this feeling. It's just been getting worse and worse...because apparently I haven't been through enough yet. Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it. Not like I would ever kill myself or anything, but my life seems so pointless. It completely revolves around who likes me and who doesn't. If I was never born I wouldn't have to feel so much pain over things that don't even matter. Maybe it would be worth missing all of the good things in life just so I wouldn't have to deal with this.

-im so paranoid. i feel like everyone hates me.
Response:same

-i'm probably the happiest i've been in four years.

-honestly, sometimes i just want to fuck. anyone. anywhere. and im still a virgin.

-i've only really known her for about a week and i feel like im totally in love with her

-sometimes I wonder how someone so beautiful wound up in a world like this.

-I (still) love you.

-nobody loves me, it's true,
not like you do.

-sometimes I watch shows like ambush makeover and I always tear up when they get to see themselves in the mirror for the first time.

-I like you.
And I think...I hope...you like me too.
But I'm too afraid to tell you.
So here's your hint.
Make your move.
Please.
I'm dying over here.

Update #27

2006-10-23T01:27:06Z

So obviously I cannot update this thing without addressing an obvious problem. There are too many debates going on within the site. Too many people are posting criticisms or views of situations that are entirely inappropriate or offensive. For now, I'll be using my judgement to decide which of these to delete and which to keep so stick with me while I try to figure this out. I hate to censor but many people have messaged me saying that this is getting out of hand and, frankly, I have to agree. If the situation doesn't improve, I may have to disable responses to comments all together. Also, if you have an issue with me or with the site, email me privately. Don't make it an issue. Thanks
And a note to the person who posted about the eye, check Update #16
Oh, and I'm almost out of images again. Fix that.
And the header image must be exactly 202x202

-Can you fucking grow up already! Stop being so goddamn stubborn and do it.

-it's too late to admit i might've made a mistake.

-I was so relieved that you weren't in school today because I looked like crap and I didn't want you to see me like that. Yes, I care what I look like around you. Isn't that ridiculous? I can't say I "like" you, but I am very attracted to you. uh...I suck. Why am I always drawn to the wrong person?

-I've been taken for so long that I don't even know how to be single
I don't know how to figure out my crushes
I don't know how to hide my broken heart
I don't know how to make the first move
and yet I'm kinda excited.
This is new, but okay.

-I need to stop falling for the same kind of people. And yet, I love seeing it happen every time. But now it just gets worse and worse. Hopefully the other one isn't just my imagination.

-me = jealous

-okay, so i shake people's hands. i say howdy. i`ll share food/drinks with people. i do not have OCD like you. everyone else doesnt have to care because you do. stop correcting me, i know who i am. i love you, but please, let me just be me. you make it hard sometimes, so lovingly, shut up.

-This was the best part of my day:
I'm walking down the hallway while reading my book 10th period. I can hear footsteps behind me. I wonder if it could be him, and I decide not to get my hopes up. But as the footsteps get closer, I can tell it's him by the way his keys are jingling and by the pace he's walking at. Instead of turning around and saying hi, I bury my nose in my book and pretend to still be reading, because I love when he sneaks up on me (even when I already know he's there). I can feel him right behind me; it takes everything I have to not turn around. Suddenly he pushes me to the side and says "Get outta my way, NERD!" I say "HEY! I'm not a nerd, I'm just so much smarter than you!" He starts laughing and I say, "You're just jealous!" Then he says "You're so conceited". He winks at me as he turns the corner.
These little moments can make me happy for days. But sometimes I wish he wouldn't turn the corner. I wish he'd stay to talk to me once in a while.

-You have no idea how good it feels to finally want a relationship...not just need one. This is so much fun. I can't wait.

-i want so badly to feel loved that im completely willing to lie to him. hes totally innocent and he has no idea that i have no interest in him at all. its so much easier to be involved with someone who cares more about u then u do about them because then u dnt get hurt. i only feel guilty when i see the guy who i actually have feelings 4looking at us, and then looking away with this horribly depressed look on his face. i want so badly to tell him that i need him but im afraid of getting hurt.

-I don't understand you in the slightest. You say you hate me, you give sly side glances and I'm pretty sure you're cursing me out in your mind if I hug your boyfriend, when most of the time he's the one that holds out his arms. I've got my own, and I've never wanted yours. And I don't understand the basis for which you hate me, however I've put this one down a few times and you still haven't noticed. I think I'll wait for you to come around, cause I'll be damned if I'm going to start a conversation with someone as twofaced as you. We fucking used to be best friends!

-oh god. please don't do this 2 me. if i see u guys 2gether i'll just die

-id kill myself but u seriously just did it 4 me nd uv been doing it for so long and i feel like now im finally over the edge

-i just keep telling myself and telling myself "wait for the peak, wait for the peak" and its just not peaking and i'm sick of it.

-it took everything I had to not let myself cut last night. I haven't done it in over 8 months, and I was so close to ruining it. This one thing happened that just made everything horrible. It was like my worst nightmare finally came true, and I had to get away from it somehow. But I didn't. It's still there, alive and well. I didn't cut though. thank god.

-I can't believe my luck in this whole situation. You're so amazing and beautiful - I'm surprised you were still waiting for me.

-I feel like I can't even look you in the eye anymore.

-i am so jealous of you guys, its like you dont even realize what you have. im so so so fucking jealous. i dont know what i hate more, that you guys have something or that you dont seem even fucking grateful for it.

-Every single day I’m reminded in such a cruel way that I’m throwing away everything I’ve believed in my entire life. I mean, I’ve never actually said a word to anyone about it, and nobody has specifically told me that I’m a “hypocrite,” but that’s how I feel. I’m a very religious person. I go to church at least once a week, and I do millions of extra things there. Now, I’ve always had faith and tried to live a good life, but lately I’m reminded of all my mistakes. I’ve never believed in the Bible one hundred percent. I’ve never listened to it word for word, and I’ve thought that some things they teach us are totally not right. But now I’m learning that if I believe this, I’ll never be a good catholic. For example, in the Bible it says it’s wrong to be gay. They teach us that it’s ok to be gay, but you can’t act on it sexually or else you’re committing a sin. And, they are teaching us that it’s wrong to support people who do act on it. Now, I have a lot of friends who are gay, and even relatives. Am I supposed to turn my back on them? I totally don’t believe that. And I’m not sorry that I don’t believe that. So does this mean that I am damned to hell? As much as I hate saying this, I believe that my religion is hypocritical. I mean isn’t God supposed to accept everyone and forgive them for their sins if they are sorry for them? But guess what, I’m not sorry for most of my sins. And I don’t believe that I should be sorry for them. And I’ve been told time after time that I have to choose. I have to choose whether I want to follow God or live an empty life. And as much as it kills me to say this, because I’ve always believed, and always chose God - I would choose you guys. Because it’s what matters to me. And it’s what my heart is telling me to do. And because I don’t have proof of anything. I don’t know if this is all true. I don’t know for sure if this was how it was supposed to be. I don’t know whether this is how God wants people, or even just me to live. I’ve never needed proof before to believe, but now I need it more than ever. Does this make me a shallow person? Right now, I don’t even care. Because my friends have never given up on me, and I’ll never give up on them. Even though it’s tearing me apart to give up on something I’ve believed in my entire life. I don’t know how I’ll end up. But I know that as long as I have my friends, I’ll be just fine. Hey, everything happens for a reason.
Response: I believe that you don't have to choose between following God or living an empty life. You can still be a religious person and believe in God without abandoning your friends or what you believe in. Just because your priest or your parents tell you something's wrong, that doesn't mean they always know what they're talking about. Afterall, have any of them ever actually spoken to God? The answer to this is probably no. So who's to say what God wants you to do? Whatever feels right for you and whatever involves being compassionate to your friends and your family; that is what God wants you to do. Let's say Jesus was in the city right now and there was a homeless gay teenager on the street. Would he have compassion for him and give him a kind word and a hug, or would he walk by and ignore him? The answer here is obvious. As cliché as it sounds, do what Jesus would do. And if I'm wrong...uh...we can chill in hell together...?

-i honestly believe that canfora will count every single goddamn word in our essays. it scares the shit outta me to stop at 1260 but wasnt he the one who said not to use more words that you need? I DONT NEED MORE THEN 1260 WORDS!!!!!

-I think I'm pregnant. I'm not sure what to do...I mean I was never stupid enough to not use a condom. But..I've been showing signs and my period is 2 weeks late. I took a test which was negative...which is only 80% accurate. And I'm still having symptoms.
And I don't know how to feel. My boyfriend and I are nervous..and I don't know if I want this or not. I know it'll make the next 9 months so much harder and make school a living hell...but I still think a tiny bit in the back of my mind I want this. But I could never tell my boyfriend this. What would he think?

-I hate this, honestly. I feel really connected sometimes with you but the silences are long, awkward, and uncomfortable. you bring up religion and how it relates to love every two seconds, when I don't believe in religion at all. you drive me crazy. I like you but you're getting weird and I don't want all of the things you want... I'm afraid to tell you it won't work though. and here's the worst part, I'm not just afraid to hurt you, I'm afraid of what everyone else is going to say.

-you posted your first long rant for a while last night. hopeless, holed up feelings. I had the biggest urge to just tell you to keep your head up and don't be so hard on yourself and all that stuff, because I believe it and I don't want you to feel this way anymore. but then I realized, I don't matter to you. you're not going to miss me anyway. I don't know why I try.

-fuck this. I want to cut so badly right now.

-the truth is, I'm in so much pain right now. and it's over something I should be happy about. I guess I would be if I was really a good friend. I'm just selfish and worthless. I see in the way that she walks and smiles that she's so happy and it makes me want to run away and cry. Am I a bad person for that? probably. I hate myself.

-Kiss me

-i say i'm not interested in him but i have dreams about him. and i barely know him. which both scares me and intrigues me at the same time.

-im not a whore. i just need to be close to someone.

-You were standing right across from me just staring and all I could do was look the other way. I didn't know what to say, but it looked like you were waiting for me to speak to you or wanted me to say something, but I didn't so you peeled off. I really blew it.

-I have my own scarlet letter.

-I had a dream last night that we hooked up in the pope's bathroom, and there were these little catholic children who walked in on us and they whispering about how we were both girls, but we were just like, fuck that. it was cool to not be ashamed of myself, even if it was only while I was sleeping.

-you are so immature and irritating. if someone cancels plans or if you're disappointed about something, fucking get over it like everyone else. i don't care if you pout and make vague lj posts about your horrible friends. grow up.

-You are being a huge bitch

-I cant even begin to express how you make me feel

-i love to talk in foreign accents.

-I'm so afraid of limiting myself... I don't want to do this anymore. But I can't hurt you.

-last night my dream was of us dancing in the rain, then being together in college, and then getting married.
my brain is screaming at me for not being with you.
why isn't yours begging for me?

-if I were smart I wouldn't have let you leave today.

-I should just get this over with.

-here I am, take me. it's easier to give in. some people mistake me; they only hear what they wanna hear.
how's it supposed to be?

-i still want you. i just pretend i dont

-The truth is, I wanted to kiss you too.
But we're alike...too awkward and scared to do anything about it.

Update #26

2006-10-16T03:26:30Z

Just a reminder: I'm still looking for some new images to replace my header with the face so if you want to make one it should be 202x202 pixels and keep the same general color sheme.
To whoever made the ones submitted last week: They're beautiful and I would love to use them but they need to be in the 202x202 square. If you could fix them, it would be excellent
And I'm almost out of images again. You know what to do

-stop trying to maintain this persona that you made up for yourself!!!! its obvious that you are actully really insecure. it's not funni anymore.

-I lied to you.
I'm not sorry.

-I'm hung up on you.

-ya wanna go? 'cause we could.
I would.

-I hate how you use a picture of someone you say you hate to tell me you want to fuck me. And you don't care about him. At all. And he cares so much about you, but you just want your instant gratification. You sicken me.

-I love watching you do your homework. Even punching numbers into a calculator is beautiful when you do it.

-i just want to die. roll over and never say another word. nothing ever comes out right out of me. i dont know why i have friends. i dont see what they see in me. i don't understand. and i`m sick of thinking. i want them to like me and yet i want them to hate me. i dont want to get hurt anymore; i dont want to live. if life is pain then why do we bother? they say "no pain no gain" but i see no gain. i see nothing. i want everyone to be happy. and i`m not sure i want to be there. i dont want to ruin it for them, and i definitely dont want to be me. but i do, i do want to be me. just not here. not in this town. i need air. not complainview air. this is not air. this is not me. if there is a god, who am i?!

-and this is why i've said no for the past five years

-I will be wallowing in shame for the next few days because my hair ripped out your earring. It will plague my thoughts before I go to sleep and haunt me in nightmares until the day that I die.
Actually, no. I thought it was hilarious. Almost tearing your ear off actually made my day quite amusing. ^_^
     Response:lmao im glad you enjoyed it so very much
but... it happens all the time
so dont feel too special

-Are you fucking kidding me?
I know that one of the above secrets is you. I want you to be honest with me. I'm miserable and confused enough as it is.

-I can tell how you must really feel about me because you never hug me back. I always think of your hugs as "the cold noodle hugs". It seems to fit.

-you never posted the eye.

- I told you I hated people for how fake they can be, but I realize that by saying that, I'm more fake then any of them. I change my opinions based on who I'm talking to. And I always do it. I make myself sick. It's rather sad.

-Even though I didn't do so great either...Last night when this girl cracked and Bruce told her she sounded "hideous", I was internally rolling on the floor laughing. When I find out next Sunday that I didn't get the part (because I probably didn't), I will be replaying that moment in my head and it will brighten my day immensely.
Sometimes I am so disgustingly evil. ^_^

-ring the alarm, okay? cuz i have been through this too goddamn long... but just keep in mind that i'll be fuckin damned if i see another chick on your arm. wont you just please ring the alarm, im begging you, i have been through this TOO LONG... but still... i'll be damned if i see another chick on your arm.
stupid bitch'll be rockin chinchilla coats
fuck that
     Response:goddammit, i wish i'd posted this.

-if i have to spend a night watching them together i think i will die.
seriously.

-Usually the first thing I think when I look in the mirror is "fuck, I look disgusting". I feel that way almost every day.

-if you still like me, find a way to let me know.

-I wish I knew how you feel about this because I have no clue.
I love you and I'm dying without you more and more each day.
      Responses: -This is my secret, too. :/
       -the sad part is that i'm pretty sure you want nothing to do with me. . .

-This isn't even a joke. My heart was literally pounding in my chest when my English teacher mentioned the idea of hearing a recording of Nathaniel Hawthorne reading the Scarlet Letter out loud. oh ma gawsh. For me, just the notion of hearing his voice is like...orgasm x1000.

-Just a few minutes ago was the first time I thought about suicide since 9th grade. This time, I wasn't seriously considering it. It was just a fleeting thought. But it scares me how I can get so low so fast, from such a little thing. What if one day it wasn't just a fleeting thought? What if I actually did it?
Would it even be the wrong thing to do?

-every single member of my family, save for me of course, has accomplished some astounding feat whether it be winning a major competition, climbing so and so mountain, or being famous for their profession...and yet it seems that the harder i try to accomplish a goal of mine, the further away i get from doing so. I don't expect rewards or gifts from God..but i expect to make progress after putting 110 percent effort into doing something..and its the last thing i've seen.
i've come home hysterical numerous times this week as a result of a bunch of reasons, some i wont even bother getting into..but honestly i have grown so much hatred towards Plainview, or rather, the people in it. I've felt like i've been in somewhat of a daze for a good week now, just watching from above. And what is it i see? Yeah..the typical self-absorbed so called 'popular' people who can't spell their own name, and the so called 'popular' fashionistas who can't be bothered to invent their own style, but instead decide to follow what other so called 'popular' people dress like, and the so called 'popular' people who think blowing a new guy every weekend is the new in. I've never really had a problem with these people though, especially because i do call some of them my friends.
Anyway, my point is, as i've been watching from a different perspective, i've stumbled upon the different categories of people:
Category A:people who dont shutup about how ugly they are or how fat they are to other people...especially when they're not. i may be wrong here...and yes there are exceptions...but i can't stand the people who just complain minute after minute how ugly they are, how much blubber is on their right butt cheek, or how they yearn to be as skinny as the anorexic models in the media. SHUTUP..we heard you the first time..no need to say it again. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE NOT FAT..no one cares to hear you complain day after day..im sorry if that hurts your feelings, but its the truth. Its a different case when you happen to be in the conversation every so often, or if one has some kind of disorder. But for 99 percent of the population, the sad part is they dont, and they actually do it on purpose in order to make themselves feel better about themselves when people tell them they're not fat. Trust me, i used to do it myself.
Category B: i love this category of people..because they're walking contradictions. "i hate fake people" seriously now..if you're going to audaciously say that why dont you dare to take a look at yourself before opening your mouth and saying it. Half of the people who stand to this claim are 100 percent, if not more, phony. If you mean you hate people who walk around with fake coach bags or fake tiffanys or whatnot, thats a different story. But for heavens sake, do yourself a favor, save yourself from the utter humiliation of someone laughing to no end in their head about you. I could go on forever with this one, but i've got miles more to write.
Category C:dumb idiots
must i really say more?
Category D: smart people, who i have the utmost respect for, just go on and make me hate them for one reason and one reason only. When you say you hate something, you should actually understand what it is you hate, or say you don't care for it because you don't understand it. Otherwise you make yourself out to be an inconsiderate idiot who can't take a few minutes out of their daily lives to comprehend something to full capacity.
Now i know i may have offended a lot of people here, and this may seem more of a rant, which it is, than a secret, but i dont have the balls to say this aloud, so i might as well say it here. And by no means do i say that i'm perfect. I could probably fit into a plethora of someone else's categories. But it just amazes me how few, down to earth and genuine people actually remain on this earth, who aren't always caught up in themselves or their outward appearance, but instead live life to its fullest, eager to learn, living with an open mind.
a little advice people; stop caring so much what others think of you, otherwise you wont get anywhere in life

-you respond to almost every post on her xanga. but somehow you can't talk about her.
you obsess about her and your thoughts, I'm almost sure, are almost always what she would think about this or that, or your mind's on some other person you have an obsession for. usually irrational, I might add.
and I doubt that if somebody offered real emotions that you'd be able to handle it. which drives me crazy.
you giggle and shy away and you dont take things seriously... well, you dont take emotions seriously.
your thoughts are secluded so I doubt you'd try to prove me wrong even if I am entirely wrong.
and I can't stand how you hide things from everyone but her. She somehow gets to know everything, every last corner of your existence, but anyone else knows that when you space out your mind's on her beauty.
and I'm dying to know what she thinks of this.
if you confront me on this i'll probably cry, so don't bother.
       Responses: -You are right about everything. I'm sorry it affects you so much. You know I don't mean to bother or hurt anyone, especially you. I'm used to being independent and sort of alone. This doesn't upset me, but it makes me forget that my actions affect others...and it makes me feel more comfortable with being alone more than being with people. So I'm not really sure what to do about this. These qualities are so engrained in my personality. I can't really change those things about myself. They're who I am. I can't be someone I'm not. And I obviously can't stop thinking about her. You know I would if I could. God knows I've tried... By the way, if you're dying to know what she thinks of it, you can ask her. I wouldn't mind. I hardly have anything to lose anymore.
        -I love you no matter what, I hope you know that. I think I just needed to say it somehow, considering I would never be able to actually say this to you. I don't want you to change... I think I just wanted to bring it to your attention.
        -however I wish I could tell you the millions of other things on my mind every day 8th period. I wish I were that courageous.

-he's keeping so many secrets from me.
every time we talk i just want to scream for him to actually say something.
please, just please let me in. i'm begging you.
you mean too much to me for me to lose you like this.

-I wish you were my age. We would have been bffs, most definitely. What a shame.

-I take great pride in being everyone's go-to. I love that people trust me enough with their secrets that they spill everything to me. It makes me feel useful, and like I'm actually a good person to even a miniscule degree because I allow them to get crap off their chests.
But at the same time I hate how I can't talk to them and tell them how I feel about the shit in my life because I can't trust anyone.
And it's not some emo-ass "people can't be trusted blah blah blah" its just that I find it impossible to make the words appear in my mouth even when they are so apparent in my head every minute of my life.
Why is the only person I can allow myself to open up to a teacher that will be out of my life very soon?
And why did I bother making this anonymous? I feel like such a withdrawn idiot right now.
         Responses: -she doesn't have to be out of your life. There's such a thing as visiting and/or telephone calls. :)
         -i know exactly how you feel. my closest friends always used to (and still do) come to me with all their personal secrets, and i loved it. it wasnt even soo much that i loved the juicy details or anything i could care less about those. i loved that they felt, and they would tell me to my face, that i was such a good listener, and they completely trusted me. according to them i would give the best advice and it just made me feel so grat knowing that people actually liked me for something that was important. but then there are always those times that i wish i could just ake my own advice. and theres no one that i can tell my secrets to. but, i just recently found someone who im beginning to trust very much. and im so thankful because i feel so loved.

-i like to listen to john mayer and pretend he's singing about me. i`m pretending someone out there loves me like the words he says. as i`m sitting here listening to the song "city love", and tears are streaming down my cheeks, i`m just wishing someone loved me like that...
      Response: -daylight is climbing the walls
cars start and feet walk the halls
the world awakes and now I am safe
at least by the light of day

-no one reads my livejournal. no one knows whats happening...

-this is the worst pain i think that i've ever felt.
even my toes ache.
all because of him.
the truth is, he always had more control over me than i led people to believe.
doesn't matter now.
he doesn't love me anymore.

-dear ms fielding,
GET A LIFE. i shouldnt be punished because of something that i cant control. it bugs the hell out of me that you get annoyed at us for every stupid thing possible when all u do is rub your stomach, scratch your shoulder, and smoke pot everyday. we havent even had one lesson plan and yet our first test is next week. u dont deserve to be a teacher. and i dont deserve to get in danger of failing on my progress report when you're the one that comes to class over 20 min late EVERY SINGLE DAY. BUZZ THE HELL OFF!!! love to hate ya
        Response: lmao. you should smoke a joint with her before class. I bet she'd take that note off your progress report.

-i tried to kill myself in school today, and noone noticed.
i cant stand living anymore, i feel like im surrounded by this horrible fog and im completely cut off from everyone. nothing means anything to me anymore.
         Response:-I don't know who this is but you have me really worried. No one may have noticed, but I can promise you that if they had known, a lot of people would have cared. And I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
I'm not sure if you know me or not.. this is Alexa C. Anyway, if you ever need to talk, ask Laura for my screen name or something. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.
        Editor's Response: Alexa's right. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. And she's a really good listener so if you want her sn just ask.

-in all seriousness, you made me really happy today. thanks.

-I completely made that up! haha, I'm so good at pulling things out of my ass. I don't even feel guilty for it. I just feel very talented.

-I get personally offended when my teachers don't leave me comments on my progress report.

-I met Adam Pascal yesterday and the first thing I did was ask him to marry me. I really need to learn to think before I speak. :D
      Response: you are so amazing that I wish you would marry me!

-I guess you weren't listening when I said I love you . . .

-This is going to blow up in my face. What the fuck is wrong with me? :(

-Last night I cried for the first time since the summer. It was started by something stupid and trivial, but for some reason I couldn't stop. I realized how confused I still am about my feelings, and that it's only getting worse as time goes by. I'm in such denial about this that it's sickening. Everything I say is a lie. And then I have the nerve to put on a smile, when in reality, I am so sad all the time. Until last night, I didn't realize how sad I still am. It was so painful to confront my pain alone, without my mom or a teacher or a friend to help me through it. I just pulled the covers over my head and cried and cried and cried. when I woke up this morning my eyes were still burning. I took a shower and washed away everything. I put on my makeup and got ready to live another day in silence.

-hi i'm _________ and i havent felt any true emotion in about 2weeks. it kindov scares me that iv been goin around completely numb2 the world. i think i need 2stop trying to avoid my life and just live it. honestly, i think im just afraid of being hurt again.

-Just hearing your voice makes me smile :)

-I am honestly scared that once she finds out, she is going to try to kill me.

-i`m paranoid to no end.
but i think one thing is true;
they really hate me.
they just really do.

-If you even consider asking, I will never speak to you again.

-you're scaring me a little with all this love talk, but I think I like it :)

-takin' a stroll down love street
believing is that so wrong?

-I create situations in my head involving people I don't really know. Not sexually, of course, but just being with them, and I get such joy out of it. I think it's because I never get to really feel any of the things I daydream of anymore.
      Response: ditto.

Update # 25

2006-10-09T16:07:57Z

Okay, so here's a challenge. If anyone wants to make a new header picture to replace the one that says "The Secret" with the girl's face, that would be cool. Try to keep the same color scheme and make it somewhat relevant to the page. It can have a quote or a cool picture or something to that effect and must be 202x202 pixels. Have fun and thanks!

Response: Maybe it will freak them out...but maybe they can finally realize what they mean to you. And they should know you well enough to take it as a good thing rather than a horrible thing.
Best of luck.

-as flattered & touched as I am 2 learn that ur in love w/ me, I hate it when you tell me. You always put me on the spot and my only response is to hug you and i feel so bad after

-I like you. I don't think you know. i feel comfortable with you.
Today I told my friend I kinda liked you, and she said ew.
So im never going to tell you, because I am too ashamed that people would think poorly of me if i was with you.
I'm sorry, really.
Also to another boy, Im happy you asked. I'm sorry I told everyone I didnt want to, and I was embarassed, just to look cool. I talked yo someone, and he told me that I should make the best of it and be optomistic. I think I will listen.
I'm sorry, really.

-I am deathly afraid of going to college next year.
You dont understand. It took me 4 years of high school to finally open up and make friends.
Freshman, soph, and junior year I was highly depressed and couldnt function.
I finally found best friends this year, and ive never been happier.
However, Im horrified that my next fresh, sohp, and jun year in college are going to be hell like the previous time.
help.
Response: most likely, they won't be. hopefully you've gained experience and maturity from your four years and high school and because of that, you can avoid reliving the same hell.
that is, only if you take action. if you sit in your dorm room miserably waiting to have no friends, chances are, you won't.

-I'm hoping that when you come to see me you'll realize that this is stupid. that you miss me. that you want me back.
and that this was all a huge mistake.

-yo Cutajar. you're really cool, and don't take this personally. I lied to you today. I didn't leave my homework at home, I just didn't do it because I'm a lazy-ass. Seriously though, it's just math. Who the fuck cares. You're such a cool guy, how did you get involved in such a dumbass subject anyway?
Whatever, this was pointless.

-i dont have any desire to go to college, and thinking about it makes me want to hurl.

-i haven't been in love in a while. now that i am, i realize how good it really feels. i love him and he loves me. i dont know how it could get better...

-O soave fanciulla, o dolce viso
di mite circonfuso alba lunar
in te, vivo ravviso
il sogno ch'io vorrei sempre sognar!

-I just did something nice for you because I love you. I have a feeling you won't really appreciate it, though, because your attitude is always so negative. About everything.

-I almost wish I was getting into as much trouble as she is.
Almost.

-I wish I had done everything for you like I said I would. I should've. Something went horribly wrong.

-I keep having to double check who's being true and who's not. I can't even make a list because almost everyone is suspect. It sucks

-If you ever tried to do something with me, I would gladly comply and not tell on you.

-You ruined my freshman year; maybe even my entire high school experience. I'd never tell you that, because it would only hurt your feelings or make you feel guilty. but sometimes I just want to scream at you for screwing up my life so much!

-YOU need to stop being...so...annoying. omg. just shutup. you're really...really...really annoying. the outgoing in your face thing only works if you have something interesting to say. stop being so annoying.

-when i'm with my family i want to kill myself. i HATE being with them they have nothing in common with me and they don't really know anything about me, anything that's real

-i just feel like you'll never understand how i feel. i go to sleep everynight soaking my pillow with tears. i just cant take anymore. last night i woke up choking on my tears of grief and sadness. i just dont know what to do with myself. why cant you see, your foolish games... they're tearing me apart?

-had it been anyone but you...

-I can't take criticism. Not from you. Not from someone who's hated and dispised and is covered in seething looks every minute of her life. I can't take it from you.

-oh my god, I love you

-one night, we let the rules bend.
one night, forgot your boyfriend.

-i've been posting on this a long time. because i've finally revealed my real secrets, i don't need to confess anything to a computer anymore. this will be my last. thanks for this.

-people tell me that i`m pretty. okay, but i`ve never been loved. i cant help but feel that in a world of love, i`m in a bubble, floating farther and farther away...

-I know I'm getting stuck in there
that place between you and happiness

-I'm sorry for missing you. you have no use for me anymore.

-whenever you say you'd like to talk to me or that it's been too long since we've spoken, I have to wonder what your agenda is.
I know I have my own

-what's on your mind?

-i should b happy, but im just mixed up.

-I've been lying to you. I'm sorry. But I'm just so scared of things getting weird again. I feel like we're getting a little closer, and that's all I really wanted in the first place. I don't want to fuck up what's happening all for the sake of honesty. So is it wrong for me to lie whenever you ask that question? I don't think so. and yet, a part of me wishes that I could be completely honest with you.

-im a tease. its getting really bad. i should stop. its like a really bad habit, or a compulsion, or some really fancy word that i cant think of. wow. i am such a bad person.

-next time I see you, I'm going to grab you and kiss you.
...not.
I wish I was that kind of person though.

Update #24

2006-10-03T02:35:59Z

-I never know what I want anymore. It's like those drawings I would make in kindergarten when I tried to draw something, it didnt work out, so i just colored like crazy with a bunch of crayons and got Mish Mosh. That's what my life is right now; my thought process, everything. Mish Mosh.
      Response:strangely though, in all of those mish mosh crayon markings, you'll find a picture. and when you do, it'll be beautiful. perhaps you won't understand, but it'll be worth the wasted crayons.

-Our relationship is becoming too confusing. I don't know if you still have feelings for me, and I love you so much that I don't know if I'm starting to like you. It's really unnatural for me, but I can't help thinking about it and wishing all this weirdness would go away.

-I've watched 40 days and 40 nights a zillion times, because I have a weird perverted sense of humor.

-I can't deal with this anymore. I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack. I'm so sick of pretending. My whole life is pretending. I used to read lyrics/poetry like that and make fun of it, and never did I think I would actually be experiencing that feeling. I don't mean to sound pathetic or emo but it's honestly exactly how I feel. I'm so sick of pretending. I honestly want to die. I would give anything to die in my sleep. I have so much anger and hostility. I'm going to go get therapy, and maybe I'll be able to quit smoking. But I really would just love to die. Part of me is still hesitant though... which is why I want it to happen in my sleep. Then I can be happy again. I'll either be reunited or I'll just be gone and I'll never know pain again. I'm just so fucking sick of this. I think I'm literally going insane.
      Response:i cried when i read this. and its not because of what happened, and its not even because of what you wrote. its because i know you've felt this way for a while. and i haven't done anything to show you that i care. but i really do. you're my real friend. sometimes i worry about you so much that i cry myself to sleep. because a little bit of me is so afraid that i will wake up and you won't. so please. dont pretend with me. because i want to be there for you. and i just wish that everything was the way it used to be, but i do believe that everything happens for a reason. i dont know why it happened, but i know you. and i know that you're strong enough to get through this. but im not. so you can't leave. i love you.

-i wish you could admit that you care.

-I help people because of the power trip. I like being needed.

-In my best behavior, I am really just like him.

-can we please just waste some time? stare up at the ceiling and feel the earth turn? just because that's what we want to do, and we have time for it? just because its possible? I'd rather just lay in your arms and feel. words just don't mean enough anymore.

-I hate that you hate me. I dont think you have any reason to. Maybe he overestimated it and you really dont feel that way about me, but god you get me so worried. Last I checked, I hadn't done anything to you. And yes, I've definitely made my fair share of mistakes, but you've done some pretty bad stuff too. And I barely see you feeling sorry for what you've done, anyway. I don't understand why you would be so resentful of someone that barely speaks to you at all. But the things you say behind my back hurt. A lot. They make me want to cry. Or stab something. Or talk to you and convince you that there's nothing to hate. But I'll never say this unless you say it first.

-i have fantasies of killing you.
and if you ever died,
i'd laugh, and spit on your body.

-I wish you would just tell me already so I could stop letting my heart feed happily on a missinterpretation that probably isn't true. I need to know how you feel!

-I am the man in this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jgWRBrhOmE

-I've re-read my paper 7 times since I got it back because I'm so proud of my A. It makes me feel like I'm worth something. Like maybe I'm going somewhere. I probably care about this stupid grade more than anything else going on in my life right now.

-I want my first kiss. I think I deserve it. I'm embarassed to say I haven't had it yet, im 18.

-I absolutely cannot get into bed from the right side. I must get in from the left side. if i get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, then come back in, I have to get in on the left. If my remote control falls on the right side in the middle of the night, i pick it up and throw it on the left side to fix it. If not, i feel like i'm about to die in my sleep and hyperventtilate

-I've been stalking this web site forever, and finally decided to share that as a secret.

-I really, truly believe that i need to marry someone from Europe. I do not like the qualities that american boys have.

-I'm sorry - I can't and won't say anything. It isn't right.

-i don't like sharing. things, people, money anything. i hate sharing my attention, it makes me feel like crap. and you don't know whats going on right now. no one does. and i want someone to know, and someone to care. i feel awful everyday, but continue to mask it. and when i voice it, my best friends even laugh it off and tell me i'm overreacting. maybe i am, or maybe i'm truly upset and don't know how to deal with it, other than reaching for a bottle. you have no idea.

-today, after class, I asked you a philosophical. one of those pensive, everbinding ones you bring up to us every time, and I hear it's going to be a recurring theme in our class. I asked you why we(we being teenagers, adults, humans) tend to keep the most important things from everyone. the people we care about most. the people that we desperately want to know us and want to know back. we want so badly to acquaint ourself with our favorite people's innermost secrets, but are unwilling to share our own. results of these deep dark secrets could be emotionally fatal. and yet we almost never try out the possible solutions- too afraid to know and be known.
well. here it goes.

-I want so badly to cut. I almost never do, but whenever I read something triggering, I desperately want to pick up the scissor. the razor blade. the sharp edge. I'm just to fucking lazy too even do that much.
      Response: -please, stay lazy. I know from experience, cutting is one thing you definitely shouldn't get into if you can keep yourself from starting. It's so hard to break it.

-I think it might all be physical. but I don't care, I still like him. and if I stayed single for any longer I might've gone crazy.

-I know you're my ex. You make it blatantly obvious, and you're happy. That's fine. But you could call. Or at least stop promising me you will if you're not actually going to.

-I miss you. I miss your touch. I miss your hands in all the right places. And there's not much I wouldn't give to be there now.

-you waltzed in and all of the other crushes flew out the window. I hope it's worth it.

-everything feels so different now.

-it's the strangest thing. my mom will hug me and I'll barely recognize her. I feel like I don't accept her as my mom anymore. all because she got bipolar. all because one day, one group of people, one stupid, selfish, despicable minority of a population had to go and ruin everything.
I don't know you anymore, mom. I'm sorry. I can't navigate all the twists you throw at me.
     Response: speaking from a person with experiance in having a bipolar mom it's hard, trust me. i know. my mom spend a little over a year in the "hospital" (otherwise known as a mental institution) getting better, and even after she came out it was still so hard. it's really hard to accept your mom when she comes out of that phase, and you don't recognize her because she's not the same anymore. she's changed completly. you have to think of it as even though she may be different, different could be better. learning to deal with a bipolar mom is something other peopel will never get. ever. to them being bipolar is a joke. you'll learn to live with it, you'll lern how to deal with her break downs, it's never fun, but it gets easier wehen you know what you're doing. after i got used to my "new mom" we became really close. way closer than ever before. give her a chance and i promise you'll never regret it.
i never did.

-OH MY GOD I LIKE YOU, HELP ME OUT HERE

-I know you were just trying to be funny, but what you said about me was true. I'm going to accomplish nothing.

-im so glad i listened to you about my hair, your my hero whore.

-my biggest wish is that one day you will see just how beautiful you really are.

-for the first time in such a long time i can say i am truly happy. and you made it that way. thank you. u make me smile.

-Hi mom. I don't know how to say this without hurting your feelings, so I'll say it here. Don't feel guilty about going back to work and not having enough time for us. Because to be perfectly honest, I really enjoy myself when you're not home. I feel like I can finally relax. The only times I miss you are (a) when I need a ride somewhere and (b) when we don't have any food in the house. So chill out. Go to work and have fun, and I'll give you a hug on Friday afternoon and actually enjoy your company once you're not all nervous and jittery.
And drink more. You're much more pleasant when you're intoxicated.

-Im scared of rejection.

-if you were my daughter you would probably driven me crazy a long time ago.

-just holding it in... just breaking the skin...

-even though it seems like i have alot of friends, i always feel like im alone in this world. i kindof hope someday ill find someone i can be real with.

-This is my first post on this site. I don't have many secrets and I hope this is the last time I will have to leave a comment like this one...
I am constantly torn between the two of you, my girlfriend and my best friend. You two get along fine sometimes, but other times, well actually a lot of the time, all you two do is bad mouth each other and say how annoying the other one is. Even though sometimes I do agree with the things you say, it still kills me whenever either of you does it. I try to balance my time between you two but it seems that it's never enough. One of you is always upset that I'm not hanging out with you and I just don't know what to do. I can never please both of you at the same time but it becomes so impossible to choose. It's driving me crazy because I love her and he's too good of a friend. I wish I could make a decision without having one of you upset with me. But maybe that will just never happen...

-Ugh. It seems like I`m kidding, but I really do have a huuuge crush on you. And now it`s too late! Aghhhhhh!

-I realize how fragile this is and I know Im going to miss my chance

-i like how everyone thinks i lost a ton of weight. i go along with it because it makes me feel like ive accomplished something. but uh... hey guys, i havent lost a single pound.

-i sit at my computer waiting for you to turn off your away message and finally have the courage to IM me, and then you come back. Your away message has been turned off but you still havn't messaged me . . .you talking to her instead.

-everyone thinks i've had lots of hookups. i'm a liar.

-it's me. i just can't tell you. i want you to know so badly what i'm feeling because we are so close, but i'm almost afraid. keep wonderng, and maybe you'll figure out who wrote it.

-i smoked my first cigarette today. it was kinda nice. i thought it was supposed to be calming though. it basically made me crazy horny.

-You used to be my friend, but i always knew you were an idiot. First of all, boys are obsessed with you, and u had no idea all along. Stupid. They would comment about how hot u were behind ur back, and make faces of satisfaction when u werent looking. they would talk about u all the time, rate u as really hot. u had no idea, and ud only complain about how ugly u were. really, it drove me insane. i would go to a party with you, ud have 10 guys surrounding you, and none surrounding me. i would see them flirt with you, talk about u. u had no FUCKING idea, and i would stand there watching, in jealousy, because u were stupid and didnt deserve the attentnion u didnt know u were getting.
Sometimes i envied your stupidness, because u were oblivious to all of the bad things that were around us, and i noticed them all.
thank you, ex friend, for driving me to jealous insanity and putting me into the horrible position im in today...and u dont even know u did nething wrong.

-guys call u degrading words like slut. im jealous, because i want attention, even if its negative

-my uncle has no face

-i have 4 toes on my right foot.

-Those two words were the best thing that happened to me today.

-My boyfriends mother desperately wants me to be Jewish. Imagine how'd she feel if she knew I fucked her son in his bed on Rosh Hashanah while she was on a walk...
And it was the best half hour of my life.

-Im scared to ask you. im scared you will say no. Im scared because ive never asked anyone before. Im scared because I dont even like you, im just using you because i need someone, anyone.

-my best friend told me today, that she knows we arent best friends anymore because i found new friends.
i feel guilty as fuck
but ive never been happier in my entire life.
so, is it her happiness or mine? .
i already chose mine, and im sorry.

-i lost 20 lbs, and gained 30 back. people tell me i look great, and its really funny.

-i think you have an ugly face.
i think ur loud and obnoxious.
i think ur stupid, u cant spell.
i think im jealous, because all the boys like you and not me.

-you still make me shake

-i never post here. but here i am, hypocrite. i used to make fun of all the whiners out there, but i'm here with you all now. maybe it's because we all need something or someone. maybe it's because we don't really love who we are yet, and are confident we never will. but i think its because its comforting, knowing that someone knows how you feel. it doesn't matter who, but we're all feeling the same way.

-Sometimes at night I stay up and cry for you. Whenever you say that you're sad or angry or cold, I can feel it too; obviously not as much or in the same way that you do, but I can still feel a twinge of pain whenever I think of you. I wish I could help. I wish I could give you everything. But I can't. And even if I could, I don't think you'd want anything from me anyway.

-ugh yes i still like you. i dont care if you know. i cant get over you. this is horrible.

-stop it stop it stop itttttt
please don't confuse me anymore.

-i fucked up EVERYTHING. everything.
i lost two people in one year. and one is threatening to make that a literal reality.
im such a worthless piece of shit. i wasnt even good enough to keep you away from drugs, and then i betrayed YOU, yes it was 2 years ago but of course im too much of a worthless piece of shit to say anything to you cuz i just wanted to put it behind me.
if anyone should die its me.
but dont worry i wont kill myself, so you can all just relax. ive come so close though but there are still people i love too much to let go.
but i cant believe what a piece of shit i am... i am the cause of so much pain... i hate my self.

-oh i am such a fucking bitch

-I think you know we need to talk.

-i am the biggest hypocrite in the world. i no and iv accepted that im a complete whore. iv hooked up with so many people iv actually lost count(which really scares me) and some of them i cant even remember. whenever i have a relationship i always leave them becuase im afraid that it will get too serious and then i wont be able to get out or let go. i desperatly wish that i could trust a guy enough to give him a chance, or that maybe i actually had the ability to have a relationship that wasnt purely sexual and lasted longer then a week.

-this is my crusade, and you`re the unreachable star
but i`m reaching.

-i still have feelings for you
and the more i try to bury them
the worse they get
i know u havent felt that way about me in a long time
but i cant help it
i was empty untill this summer
and now im dying
but the hope that you remember
or perhaps that what happened still stands out in your mind as it does in mine
is what keeps me going
so maybe one day
youll see me
the way that i see you

-i think i'm pregnant but i can't tell him. i don't want to worry him. he hates me enough already.
this is killing me

-i think he's gradually trying to push me out of his life
funny how he said he'd love me forever
and i believed him.
i can't believe myself

-you're killing me. stop it! it's pure torture...

-i havent eaten more than one meal in two days. i hate anorexics, i hate bulimics, but i must say, though i know this is murdering my metabolism, i like what the scale says.

-we are leaving things unsaid
and we are breathing deeper instead
(the substitution can only last so long)
eventually I'll have to tell you that I miss you
and this was all a terrible mistake.

-the person I am when I'm taking pictures... when I'm behind the camera...
I wish I was that girl more often.

-we're both pretty sure.
neither one can tell
we seem difficult
and what we got is hard as hell...
we made it so fucking difficult.

-let it burn.

-you're the only person I've ever wanted to kiss. Every time I'm around you I have to physically stop myself from actually doing it!

-you're under my skin. everything relates to you, everything reminds me of you, everything is you. I can't stand it, but I love you way too much. and it hurts that you don't want me back yet.

-Im a stupid fuck

-I really wonder if the world would come crashing down if all along, all of these secrets had the names attached to them of who they were from, and if everyone could stop hiding who they really are and how they feel from the people they care most about. But hey, I'm a hypocrite to my own words...

-i really want today to be over.

-i hate me.
and i hate people.
we all think the same.
and no one will think the way i do.

-whenever I listen to the choir cds I get terribly depressed because all of my mistakes are blatantly obvious.

-your snickers stick in the back of my head and I hate you with such a passion... only becuase you hated me first.

-I miss camp.

-I stay up late looking up people's experiences in getting pierced. I really want more than 2 in each ear but I'm kind of afraid of what my friends will say.

-I keep wondering if your secrets are about me.

-i fucking hate you right now. you ditch me every time someone better comes along. you say you'll stick with me, so i won't be stuck alone, but low and behold someone better walks in and they're your new companion. i hope one day you're stuck by yourself, fucking ditched and then you'd know how it feels you tactless bitch.

-i want to be shot.

-i want to be bigger then my body.

-I have the hardest time resisting you.

-Breakfast: 1 bite of an 80 calorie muffin. = 10 calories.
Lunch: 2 pieces of celery. = 0 calories.
Dinner: grilled chicken. = 100 calores.
Total calories per day: 110.
I lost 25 lbs in less than 1 month. I regret nothing.

-Not one person in the entire world knows I have an eating disorder. you would never be able to tell, im not skinny. Reading about people in magazines who struggle with eating disorders only inspire me. Its disgusting, i know.

-I'm a horrible jew.

-I'm SO fucking you when you come home.

-Tonight was the first time I felt remotely straight all year. But I also felt 5 times gayer than I usually do. I feel like I'm getting exponentially gayer and exponentially more confused.

-I feel like Plainview is the hub of gay. And that maybe they should share the wealth elsewhere. It's so lonely out here....

-you really tempt me a lot.

-I keep hoping for a different reaction from you... something other than a giggle and a smile and a thank you. I'm not sure what I really want though.

-the most frustrating thing is when your level of brilliance and creativity does not match your level of skill or discipline.

starving artist, anyone?

-and with any luck I know I'll find an open door
and I know I can't fuck up my life anymore
just as long as I know I'm the better man for believing that I can
just as long as I know someone else is in the same boat with me.

-I really wish I could stop biting my nails. they look horrid.

-I'm not crazy for liking you. I wish you'd believe it.

-I feel totally and utterly ditched. you don't even like your friends, why do you care what they think! sometime its gonna get around to them and I'm not going to take any of the fall from it since you're the one who has to deal with them...

-stop being so two faced!!

-I miss you. I love you. And whenever you say it back I'm almost 100% sure you're lying. Stop it. You're not helping.

-the spam robot test is really pissing me off.

-brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance brilliance
hey laura, did you guess that this is leah?
my comment is brilliant, but i really think you'll delete this one too. [Happy Leah?]

-i used to be in love with my best friend.
nowi cant believe i ever was.
ew.
ew.
ewwwwwww.
thank god im out of that phase

-i must say i dont think iv felt shittier in my entire life, then when you walked past me today and pretended i wasnt there. well congradulations, not only have i wanted to kill myself for the last couple of weeks, but u have helped in making me feel more worthless then ive felt in a long time.

Update #23

2006-09-25T01:04:44Z

Note: These are the last of the images so get artistic and make some more

-At times like these, I'm proud to be smart, and I know, deep down, that I'm special.

-you need to get unconfused.
i need to get unheartbroken.
and maybe we can give this a chance

-I generally like being around you, but you were really getting boring after a while and I was hoping you'd leave soon.

-whenever I try to count the things I like about myself, I can only find one thing.
Oh well. At least I don't have to waste too much time doing that.

-I would sell my soul for a good body.

-I don't know what to do you with these days. Ignoring you doesn't work, being nice is ineffective, hating you doesn't work. You're the only think about. Before I go to sleep, when I first wake up. Everything I do, is because of you. Everything reminds me of you, or everything reminds me of you in some other way like a time when we were friends and everything was fine, but now its not and I'm stuck at a crossroads. I don't want to lose you.

-I always think that I couldn't possibly get any fatter, and then I do, each and every year. What's going to happen when I'm 40? I'll probably be a blimp. I hate always having to worry about it.

-I like her more and more each day. She gets me. But she's so much older and it would never work.

-every time I see that wedding ring on her finger and remember that she's married, I feel like stabbing my eyes out. how could I even think she'd be into someone who's so much younger than she is? not to mention I'm a student; and she's straight. lol why am I such an idiot. someone, un-loser me please.

-mr canfora is soo fuckin sexy

-That song makes me reminisce upon a year I completely fucked up. Not just with him, in general. That's why I cry a little inside every time I hear it.

-I actually hope you call me. but once it happens I'll think you're annoying.

-i want you to shut up and die.

-i cry all the time but i deal super well in front of people.

-I've discovered my biggest flaw is being unable to accept things that I don't like. I thought things were perfect, and now they're not. really not ok.

-if people could hear what i was thinking, i dont think i would have many friends.
Response: honey, none of us would

-"I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on
the road, lonely as a sparrow in
the rain. Tired of not ever having
me a buddy to be with, or tell me
where we's coming from or going
to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of
people being ugly to each other.
I'm tired of all the pain I feel
and hear in the world ever' day.
There's too much of it. It's like
pieces of glass in my head all the
time. Can you understand?"

-If you kissed me, I would probably reciprocate.

-I like making love in Mama's room.

-I die without you.

-you make me really uncomfortable

-some people weren't meant to be happy. and unfortunately, i am one of these people.

-I just had an ice cream cone. way to be on a diet...

-I have fantasies about you killing me. You scare me so much and I love it. I can't get enough of you.

-But forgive me, love,
I can't turn and walk away.
Not this way.

-In another life, I was so totally a Quaker.

-There is a huge smile on my face because of what you did today. I wish I could be less general, you just made me feel really tremendous.

-im afraid i may never truly know who i am simply because i cant live without anti depressants.

-I don't know who you are, but I'm so jealous of you.

-I'm too afriad to let anyone in.

-can you please come back sooner? i really miss you.

-for the first time, ever, i don't really like anyone. it's the strangest thing ever.

-I hold a grudge way too easily.

-as long as i can, i will keep rejecting your reality and substituting my own.

-I LOVED HIM FIRST SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

-I know I'm getting better. I've started singing in the shower again. I haven't been happy enough to do that in the last six years.

-I was looking for The Great Gatsby on my parents bookshelf, but instead I found their erotica book. Ewww!?

-some people will just never appreciate the musical accomplishments of david hasselhoff

-She may be tired and wrinkled and worn out, but I think my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

-I love my uncle more than I love my father. In fact, I love just about any man more than my father.

-I really, really don't believe in God; the concept seems pretty ridiculous. Yet so many times have I utterred the words, "if there is a god (something will happen)," and those things often do happen. I understand that it's coincidence, but I feel bad when I don't believe in God after that thing happens for me.

-you both hook up with other people. you both have intrests in other people. and sure, u tried it once and it didn't work out. and i understand both of you have alot going on in your lives right now. but every time it comes down to it, every time i see you two together it's just so clear that you're meant to be. and i'm jealous. i wish i could have what you two share, but you don't even realize it, and if you do you don't act it.
so heres my message: stop being afraid, one of you just go for it. you're perfect. you're each others rock. seeing you together now is like seeing you together when u were a couple.
it just seems right
and maybe it seems right, cuz if you two let it, you'll find that it really is perfect.

-i love him and it feels great

-i'm honestly afraid to flush the toilet when i'm home alone. i flush and then run like hell

-I'm not really that happy. I just don't want to bring everyone down with my stupid drama so I've been trying to act happier.

-me being with him makes my ex jealous.
gotta tell you, it's pretty cool.

-i blow him because I feel like I owe him. after all, he puts up with so much from me

Update #22

2006-09-18T00:18:37Z

So, livejournal is being a bitch and making it utterly difficult to copy comments but I Julie figured out a way and now I shall update. Finally.
And no. I didn't forget about you guys. Nor did I stop caring. But I have school, a job, a relationship, and a life other than this site. And I'm not going to apologize for that.
Note: In the future, please please please try to make your images viewable(that means readable too) at 350x350 pixels maximum. They're becoming a huge pain.

Response:you make me smile
(go 'head child)

-I took down all the pictures of you today. I always thought that if we ever broke up, there was no way I could erase all the memories, and now I'm sure I'm right. But I tried, and I tried hard. I took all the pictures off my wall and put them in my drawer, I put everything that reminds me of you out of sight (except for my sweater cause I just can't do that), and I think I'll leave the V-tech shirt out of my closet for a while. And it's helping. But I think we still belong together, and I can't wait for the day when we realize we were wrong and fall into it again.
I fell into the hole in your life, and you fell into mine, and there's no going back. it's a one way door.
and I still love you.

-I hope that after you're done with this you'll realize how much I mean to you and that you've been ignoring how you feel about me all this time. You will see that you love me and know that you have to come back to me before its too late. And then, then I will be okay.

-I love your speaking voice. it's very...seductive.

-9/11/01...things will never be the same.

-instead of counting my prayers I've been counting my secrets.

-Instead of doing my homework (and my summer assignment which is due in 2 days), I spent the whole afternoon up until now reading the FBI's and Crime Library's files on a specific serial killer/rapist. Keep in mind, this wasn't required for a class of any sort. I just did it for my own enjoyment.
      Response:welcome to the ADD club :)

-Little Richard lives inside me.

-Maybe I am in love with him...

-He liked me but I turned him down. I kind of regret that decision.

-The reason I ask you questions and try to solve your problems isn't because I'm concerned, compassionate or caring. I'm just really nosy.

-good day sunlight, I'd like to say how truly bright you are
you don't know me but I know you, see, you're my favorite star.
I hate how that used to apply to me and all I want to do now is mope and cry and I hate everything and everyone. I told everyone that this is what I wanted, and now I don't want that anymore and I can't take it back, it has too many consequences. and he doesn't want to take it back, which kills me more than anything. this is the worst week ever, and I can't seem to kick the tears.

-I don't want to be creepy, but you are the best friend I've ever had. I just didn't see it before.

-that night when we were watching the shooting stars, I forgot to wish on the only one we saw. I still don't know what I want most in life.
       Responses:-It's funny that you mentioned that. Because when I saw the shooting star, I actually did make a wish. I wished for more clarity so I can finally know what I want most in life. (hm coincidence?) It hasn't come true yet. In fact, things have become even less clear for me since then.
But I guess that's the beauty of it...That you spend life trying to figure "it" out and then one day you look back and realize that "it" was there all along. So don't worry about it. I think we both have what we want most in life, and we just don't know what it is yet.
      -you're probably right. you're probably very very right.
I'm sorry things have gotten more confusing for you since that night, I wish they were clearer for us both. I can't believe that some of the best people get the worst issues, and it's never anything we ask for. It feels like sometimes we just have to do something deliberate to fight it off, like we have to make sure we've got some say in where life goes. I feel like I can never get to exactly where I want to be, but I'm never quite sure of what that is either.
What I wouldn't give to be seven again...
      -Amen to that.

-There are certain drugs I want to do so badly but I'm afraid to because I don't want to have a nervous breakdown and be permanently fucked up. I wish I didn't go through what I did so I can enjoy the trip and not have the worst experience of my life.
Nothing is fucking fair.

-I read your diary.
I'm not sorry.

-I stole some of your anti-depressant, just to see what it would do for me. but after the second time I got nauseous, I figured it wasn't worth it. I also know you're taking other things, I don't know why you didn't tell me.

-I can't seem to let it go. I can't just step back and let him do what he wants, and realize that it may be good for me too. I can't seem to just breathe it off or turn off the waterworks, and everything suddenly has way too much meaning. I don't understand what you do to me, but I guess this is what love is, and what it usually turns out to be. If I had an accurate picture, it'd be a broken heart and the right side hanging by a thread.

-I'm so angry right now. How could you do that to me? I had a feeling you might have, but I was hoping you didn't. I can't believe it. You know I would never do that to you. Don't you have any decency?
P.S. -What is wrong with you?! how could you do that to me?!!!!!!
P.P.S. -ROAR!

-I'm pretty sure I'm hiding from myself.

-how is it possible to have so many loose ends left untied? there's so much left over
and you don't even want to fix it.

-does anyone ever walk to the bus stop and wish some days that the bus would just speed around the corner and hit you as you walk to your stop?
      Responses: I always wish some accident like that will cause my sudden and tragic young death. But I would never commit suicide, for the stupidest reason ever: people wouldn't have as much sympathy for me if I did it on purpose.
       -i want to know who`d be sad.
who'd cry for me.

-you are still my wonderwall.
I hope I'm still yours.

-once I followed you to baseball practice. you look so cute in a baseball hat.
...thank god you didn't notice me!

-I hate feeling like I'm just a nuisance to him. the change is so sudden, so hot and cold, I don't know where I stand.

-I'd really like a girlfriend right about now.

-i envy the wit of leah steuer more than you can even imagine.

-when the light hits your eyes a certain way it looks like rays from the sun. Because the outsides are dark brown, and the insides are tan; almost yellow even, like a tiger's eyes. They are really beautiful. I wish I could get that close to you again. Even though the last time it happened was because you were yelling at me, I still wish I could see that fire exploding from your eyes in the heat of your anger. I love it when you get mad at me. ugh. I miss you.

-how can you ask someone out the day you meet them? how in a period of just an hour or so can you learn all about this person and know he or she right for you? this has got to be the stupidest thing of all times that you have done. besides, you were suppose to be mine....

-you know what I think is funny? the amaount of people I planned to date if I ever found myself boyfriendless. the long waiting list on my heart. failed promises! all of them! I have no desire to be with these people. seriously I'm such a liar. I'd rather just be lez at this point.

-hey, why do I have to find out from someone else that you hate me? that's a really bold move, you know... not telling me that when I thought we could at least talk like normal human beings. I've gotta say, I don't talk behind your back. I'm not two-faced. I actually like you, even though I think you're a total bitch for all of the things you say about me. I thought I had someone that I could rely on for the smallest of jobs, but of course I have to hear it from someone else that you dislike me. wtf? you can't say it to my face?
maybe you'll notice ME giving YOU the cold shoulder this time.

-Though many people would snicker when I say this, I really don't hate a lot of people. If there's anyone I hate, its this one girl, that's it. That doesn't mean I don't have strong feelings of dislike, anger or contempt towards anyone else. I'm a very friustrated person and I don't know why, but when I say I hate someone I really don't mean it 99.9% of the time. They're just very storng current annoyances and being the dramatic person that I am, hate becomes too common of a word.
It becomes a word that I use way too lightly which I shouldn't be doing since I get easily irritated with people who take the word "love" lightly.
I'm sorry for that.

-iv decided that my life is boring and im going to run away this weekend.

-I spend my entire 9th period trying to find you, and then you just say hi and walk away?
Stop doing that! YOU'RE SO DUMB!!!
...I wanted to talk to you...

-i'm going to write a bomb threat on one of the desks in a random classroom, so they cancel school that day.

-I still feel horrible about what happened. For you, life will always seem like a dream.

-ok so my ex is a complete bum. but honestly in a way he was the only one who ever really cared if i was happy in those moments that we were together. i really miss him.

-basically, canfora's sayings are my life.
I'm running out of time, the pendulum is swinging and I'm still in reverse, and every time I get close I'm swung in the wrong direction.
and I can't help but feel it's my fault.

-basically, canfora's sayings are my life.
I'm running out of time, the pendulum is swinging and I'm still in reverse, and every time I get close I'm swung in the wrong direction.
and I can't help but feel it's my fault.

-why is this so easy for you?
why don't you care more?

-i love you, you won't ever know. and everyone would hate me for it. but you`re gorgeous and i wish i could just lay with you. but you`re too old for me...right? you probably think of me as a child. but we're not too far apart same as my parents. i just wish you didnt just see me as "her sister" and more of "(my name)". you are one of the few people i have a lot of things in common with. we match, and i dont think you`ll ever see it.

-I feel like I'm running out of everything-
time, conversation, patience...
and love.

-and the music turns off and I'm left utterly alone.
(don't stop now.)

-i really like him. but he doesn't like me.

-If you wanted me to have sex with you I would comply.

-groove is in the heart.

-I think we could be great together. But I don't know what it is, you're always kind of shy and giggly. I've had the overwhelming urge to make you feel amazing but you don't seem to want that, or anything else. And conversation is awkward and scarce and I'm afraid of what you would say. I don't know.

-i have lost all will to live. as i get older, things get worse and i'm not making things worse with the decisions i make its the extinuating circumstances that surround and just overwhelm me to no end.

-Nothing is ever worth it.

-Sure, I may be a bit chubby with dry skin and razor bumps and scars...but I absolutely love being naked with him.
I am not, in the least bit, insecure around him.
I love it.

Update #21

2006-09-10T23:54:47Z

-I wandered around the hallway looking for you today.

-no one sees me the way you do. maybe if they did, i`d be someone to this world.

-I just wanted to say that I really miss you. You're the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and I feel most like myself in the sweatshirt you gave me. I curl up at night and picture what you look like at our happiest moments, like at swim in camp or at my house meeting my closest friends. I love you, and nothing could ever change that. you are everything to me.

-and the starlights are calling us
destined names

-I admit it, I'm the one who's been stealing from my mom's candy stash. it's so much easier to say my brother did it though!

-and i sing and sing of awful things, the pleasure that my sadness brings, as my fingers press onto the strings, yet another, clumsy chord...

-I think that Mr. Buchman is too sexy for his shirt.

-I know this is a time in my life when I'm supposed to be finding my true passion, and I will probably end up majoring in art or english and becoming a teacher. I wish I could major in "being the lead singer of a tribute band with a cult following." That's def passion.

-it's really time to put an end to this.

-weve been friends for 2years and now im attracted to him. why now? why now when its way too late do i finally realize that exactly what i always needed, and what i always hoped for was in front of me the entire time and i just didnt see it?

-i try hard not to get sick from seeing couples together.
i dont hate couples.
i just hate the way they make me feel.
alone. ugly. pathetic.

-I'm in way over my head with these AP classes. I can't drop because I have to prove to my parents that I'm smart and I can handle it. but I seriously can't. It's only the second day of school and I'm already having a nervous breakdown.

-I really love him
but I think about being single a lot
and I happen to miss it
girl's nights
and not worrying about a flirty glance
and what it could mean
I dont know what to do.

-i havent spoken or seen my ex boyfriend in over a month. ive never felt more in control of my life. it feels amazing!!!!!!!!!!!
Response: im with you on this one....im in love with the feeling of having moved on and now looking in a new, positive direction with life

-you've been pissing me off lately. next time will be the last straw.

-I think you are very cruel for saying these things and you don't deserve to have the job you have. i dont think you should be teaching voice lessons or sticking your nose in other people's business and I think you should lay off and let everybody do their job. I think you are irresponsible and a total bitch and I hate worrying about what you think because i just hate you so much... I cant stand the way you treat me or the people that we're both friends with. I want you to back off and leave me alone, because personally I can totally do my business in class without your opinions, your trust, your anything.
step off.

-i'm a man eater. i attract boys, say i love them and as soon as they return it, i'm done.

-I was having an okay day until you did that. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of nothing?

-When I'm alone I play charades by myself. I'll think to myself, "be a pogo stick" and then I'll bounce around the house and actually imagine that I'm a pogo stick. Or I'll say, "be a fish" and I'll flop around on the floor and make weird fish faces.
I have no life. But I feel so good after I do it. You guys really should try it.

-I'll just say this... I'm not your biggest fan.

-I know I'm kind of awkward, but when I really try, I'm not a bad dancer. In fact, when I used to take dance activites at camp, I was really good. Give me choreography and I can seriously do it.

-the sweetness will not be concerned with me

-i killed my last pet because i was neglectful and i feel really guilty

-I'm SINGLE! SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE! the word's never felt so good before =P

-I wish I could focus. I've got loads of homework, no patience, and personally, I don't really care to finish it. which will definitely come back and bite me.

-I dare you, chase the sun with me.

-my only addiction has to do with the female species.
i just love them so much.
i could eat them raw.
...like sushi.
Response: The first time I smiled all day was when I read that.

Update #20

2006-09-05T04:53:25Z

-I've got a lot of picture secrets in mind that don't necessarily have a thing to do with me but to the rest of the world, they might mean something. and I can't get them out of my head.

-I dream a lot of being alive but when I'm with you it feels like I'm completely dead. well... almost. my hormones are happy.

-I'm wearing fishnet arm gloves and I feel devilish. I think I'm going to take out the camera and do some damage.

-I can't wait until my parents go away for a weekend so I can have you over. maybe you can walk 2 feet into my house without getting killed then.
sounds good to me.

-let's just put it this way... I wasn't with my boyfriend yesterday.

-we had something pretty special, until i realized you're flawed like everyone else. you were right about yourself.

-A while ago I left a fake secret on this site. Just because I had nothing better to do with my time
Response: That's all I do with my life.

-Why can't I forget about you?

-i want to be thin.
but i want to be me.
i think i would look beautiful.
and then i could be a happier person.

-I have a secret to post
but I cant get myself to type it.

-and I would have stayed up with you all night
had I known how to save a life.

-I know it's horrible, but I steal those pink pucks from urinals. As gross as it is, I have over 600!!!

-I tell my boyfriend I love having sex with him. But I only say that to make him feel better...
because he only has one testicle.
(and his penis is really small)

-Even though I wear normal, masculine clothing to school or wherever else I'm going, secretly I always wear a pair of pinkfrilly panties underneath... because that's who I really am.

-seriously, fuck you.

-I know lots of people that wake up on sunday mornings for the sole purpose of checking postsecret.
I'm kinda like that with thesecretgame.

-You know, I did this to myself because I wanted the attention. I wanted to be part of something instead of always being an onlooker. I thought it would make me cooler, maybe even a better person, if I could do this to myself. And I thought that I would be proving a point. Then it actually started happening and I realized how wrong I was. I've spent my whole life craving attention...And now that I have it, I just want to run away from it. I wish I could undo all of this, but now it's drilled into my mind that this is who I am. It can't be who I am. I made myself this way. If I did it to myself, then I can undo it, right? Why can't I undo it? why are you always on my mind...

-I wonder if it's worth the energy to keep this friendship alive. I used to love every second I spent with you, but now you drain me. I can't hang out with you without wondering what you're thinking, if you approve of what I'm saying or doing, or if you regret ever inviting me over as soon as I close the door behind me; and after the conversation we just had I wonder if we're ever going to be how we used to be.
I doubt it.
(Above applies to more than one person... I hate my social life.)

-the only reason i won't date you is because i'm too afraid of what everyone would say to me. nobody would approve.

-I'm crying right now because I found out Steve Irwin died. Isn't that ridiculous? But I grew up watching his show with my brothers. He was seriously a big part of my childhood. I'm completely shocked. and if you know who this is, please don't make fun of me. I'm actually really sad.

-I miss you so, so much. no amount of words could ever really explain it correctly.
"this time, I will be listening."

-I really miss school. I'm dying to go back. everyone seems to think that's so strange and that it's apocalyptic but I swear it's not.
I happen to like the feeling of new school supplies that are entirely yours for your thoughts and your writings. I miss my friends! I've barely seen any of them all summer. I really miss singing and I miss photography. I miss doing what really makes me happy. and this summer was undoubtedly amazing and I don't want to let it go, but I really hate sitting around on my ass waiting for things to happen. my friends make me feel like I'm the only one, but I'm sure I'm not.

-the odds are largely against us. he lives in another state, he's busy, he's two years older and one grade above me, and I hear that once you've been in college for a while the same things don't satisfy you. the friends you once knew just don't look the same because you've changed. I'm so nervous for this, but really there's no way the situation could be perfect. so I guess I should stop worrying.

-I'm embarrassed to be seen in school on wednesday because I'm still fat, maybe even fatter than I was before summer started. ugh the humiliation...

-dear gundam,
i know that was you.
i'll respond like the loser we both are - using this stupid fucking website.
i'm sorry for hurting your feelings lately.
i'm being a bitch because i'm really really scared about school -
applying to college is one of the worst processes ever, and in a year you will understand, maybe, why i am so stressed and worried.
my parents are giving me horrible amounts of pressure every day.
in addition, i wanted to come back to school looking better, and i won't, again.
so i'm continuing to pretty much hate myself because i'll never look the way i want to, and you are the only one who pointed out how badly i want to quit being fat.
so, that's the reason i got so mad at you at first, because you said something that wasn't true, but could be true, and called attention to something that makes me miserable.
it wasn't really your fault, but that's why.
all the other stuff has caused me to become a piece of shit.
i'm sorry for taking it out on you.
you're the best friend i have right now, and you're always there, literally and otherwise.
i'm sorry for never really letting you know how i feel, but i love you.
my psychosis will pass eventually.
seriously, i'm sorry.
love,
matisyahu

-i hate the fact that nobody has found you yet. cause you totally deserve that great relationship that i know you really want. people who don't know you don't know what they're missing. i also hope that one day you will realize just how beautiful you really are.

-I feel like i have been stabbed and all I want to do is scream, but I can't because my house is never empty. If someone in my family did ask whats wrong I can't tell them what it is. That's because it is them. I hate them.

Update #19

2006-09-03T02:13:59Z

okay...so I'm going to update before Julie literally slaughters me. Sorry it's been a while. I have no excuses this time. I'm just a generally lazy person. Anyway, here we go...
Oh, and if you're wondering why your picture hasn't been posted....just give it time.

-I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend. All I want is for other guys to be interested in me. For them to like me. I'll do anything for other guys to like me.

-I hate that seeing your pictures from coney island made me miss you. you were sitting looking at a jellyfish in one of them and you looked really cute or hot, I couldn't decide, and I really started thinking about this summer. how stupid it probably was and how much I really don't care anymore. I hate how uncomfortable you made me feel though. however it wasn't entirely your fault, I could have stopped you. and the truth is I can barely admit it to myself, let alone you or anyone else. I really hadn't thought about you all that much while I was gone. just enough to write one other secret about you and then I let it go. and then you sent me those damn pictures. but I can't keep blaming you for this. I was fully capable of saying no

-I wrote out my last letters a year or so ago. I really thought about doing it, and now I realize how naive that was. I still believe those would be good last letters to send out to the people I love, but I know I could never do it.
Like I said, there are people I love.

-it's taking control of my body and mind -
it began when i heard "i love you."
for the very first time.

-because i didn't want to retype my secret, here is the AIM conversation in which i revealed it:

mmkay great: do you know ed norton? the actor?
mmkay great: i'm gonna venture "no"
Stary Nite Eyez: uhh yea no
Stary Nite Eyez: wait what was he in
mmkay great: fight club
Stary Nite Eyez: nerver saw it
Stary Nite Eyez: so no i dont know him
mmkay great: sigh. well,
mmkay great: lemme just give you a picture to illustrate the point i am about to make
mmkay great: well two pictures, if i am really gonna drive my point home
Stary Nite Eyez: hah okay
mmkay great:http://www.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/5056/Events/5056/EdwardNort_Kambo_9920675_400.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0443543 (http://www.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/5056/Events/5056/EdwardNort_Kambo_9920675_400.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0443543)
mmkay great: okay this is regular ed
mmkay great: on the red carpet
mmkay great: regular ed is not ugly
mmkay great: but is not goodlooking by any stretch
Stary Nite Eyez: okay
Stary Nite Eyez: yes
Stary Nite Eyez: agreed
mmkay great: he's the kind of guy that, when i see a picture in people magazine, i'm like OH hi eddie, you're a bit cute but i am gonna pass you by in favor of george clooney even though you're a fucking amazing actor
mmkay great: okay
mmkay great: so
mmkay great: here comes my sick sexual deviation
mmkay great: i actually find myself panting and deliciously lustful when confronted with ed norton in ANY movie role - whether it be as a timid office worker in fight club
mmkay great: or a magician with excessive facial hair
mmkay great: http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0443543/Ss/0443543/5.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0443543 (http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0443543/Ss/0443543/5.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0443543)
mmkay great: http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0443543/Ss/0443543/7.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0443543 (http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0443543/Ss/0443543/7.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0443543)
mmkay great: AHHHHH
mmkay great: i cant control myself
mmkay great: i want his beard all ovahs mahself
Stary Nite Eyez: uhhhh
Stary Nite Eyez: okay leah
mmkay great: ALL OVAHS
mmkay great: OVAHRIES
mmkay great: its so unexplainable
mmkay great: like throughout the movie i was overcome with love
Stary Nite Eyez: btw nice comment on the secret game
mmkay great: thanks girl
mmkay great: your turn
Stary Nite Eyez: im actually posting it right now
mmkay great: YES
mmkay great: post it
mmkay great: put it up
mmkay great: like i want ed norton to put it up
mmkay great: ...my vag

-I said I wouldn't be like everyone else and drink in highschool, but I did.
I said I would never do drugs, but I do them now.
I said that I would wait to be in a long meaningful relationship before having sex with someone. I didn't follow that either.

-my list is so long that I've lost track.

-I just want to be closer to you.

-im not even going to get mad anymore
im just going to expect the lowest from
the people i thought highly of.

-You are a self-absorbed, egotistical, immature douchebag. And yet, you're one of the best friends I could ever ask for.

-Because of you I think every negative comment on this site is about me. Thank you for making me paranoid. I really needed that.

-Sometimes, when shown a baby picture of me, my parents will say, "You were so beautiful. What happened?" And we'll all laugh, but I know they mean it.

-I don't know who you are, but I sat next to you on the train a few days ago. For some reason I felt drawn to you. And while you were asleep, I felt compelled to look at you. You were sort of cute, but not stunningly so. You had a long nose, like my father. I noticed that the book on your lap was the same book I had with me. I was so scared that you would wake up, but I was really curious what part you were up to. So I opened up the book to where you had a bookmark and I saw that you were at one of my favourite parts…the part where they get married and he tells her he loves her for the first time. You had a yellow post-it there, just like mine. With a doodle of him flying a kite on it. Just like mine. I never could have imagined that someone else would have that same exact vision I had when I read that part of the book, because it seemed so random and out of place. Then I leaned over and looked at your ipod. The song that was playing was Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine. What are the chances that out of all the random people I could have sat next to on the train, I wound up next to someone who was reading the same book as me, had the same doodle as me, and also listened to the same music as me? I wanted so badly to wake you up and talk to you. But of course I never did. We arrived at Hicksville station and I had to leave. You woke up and looked at me, but neither of us said goodbye. We both just nodded in recognition, and that was it.
...I’m not sure what the secret was here. It was just something I wanted to get off my chest that most people would think was ridiculous or didn’t even happen.

-I own both of the A*Teens' CDs and I still listen to them because as sugary and pop as they sound I lovelovelove them.

-I wish that you didn't live so far away because I know there's something between us. I know we could have something really good.

-I feel like once I leave here, I won't be able to come back. my family will physically be destroyed because my mom will move as far away from my dad as she can get unless something changes. and I can hope that my friends now will be my friends later but I know that only a few of them truly matter and the rest... well I don't know.
"it's taking up our time, we can't come back. we can't come back at all. (cause you remind me of a time when we were so alive, do you remember that? do you remember that?)"

-I had one of those dreams last night where you wake up and realize you were crying in your sleep. You were in it. I found out you were dying. I gave you a hug and my arms went all the way around you...You were so skinny. I thought it was real. And I can't even say "thank god it was just a dream", because I don't know if it really wass just a dream. I've been having this strange feeling for months now that it could be real life. I'm so worried about you.

-I hate the way I look
all the motivation I've been given to exercise has done nothing
I like the way I eat
I want to change
I'm just lazy I guess.

-I seriously need to go clubbing. Now.

-Dear God,
FUCK YOU.
♥ Me
PS - I miss you so much. I just can't get over being angry at you.

-I try to be funny and smile and not walk around being angsty and emo and I'm pretty certain I succeed. But on days like today there's a lot of pain inside and it hurts to know that if I were to stop being a clown for 2 minutes and act according to my mood all of my friends would roll their eyes and tell me to stop being so dramatic.

-I feel so...gay.

-I hated doing it. Again. I'm just a fucking loser.

-I'm afraid of love.

-i want to leave plainview and never come back.

-pretending that it never happened, makes me feel so happy and alive again. besides, if i say it never happened then its my word against his. and im the one who isnt an emo freak.

-I may be physically or emotionally attracted to someone, but I still know I'm asexual. I will always be a virgin.
Response:me too.

-I cant stand how my friends can be such bad people, and how I still stay friends with them even as I realize how bad they are.

-I think that dorky superhero guy from the reality show is gorgeous.

-Late at night, when no one is around, I get into really thoughtful moods where I feel like I could talk to someone for hours about everything...but no one is ever around.
And no one ever calls.

-raviv ullman... secret obsession. I still drool every time he pops up on the disney channel.
Response: so do i.

-I had so much fun. I love you guys so much. Lately I've been trying to hide it so I don't seem desperate or "too available"...But honestly, I live for you guys. My heart skipped a beat when you called. I wish stuff like this could happen more often.

-my heart skipped a beat when I saw that you were typing back to me, like I figured you wouldn't say anything because I'm just that below you. That or I've missed you, I can't seem to figure it out. I miss our quirks and your eyes and how shy I felt in the back of the concert hall when I was in your arms. I'm sorry nothing came of it.

-I've spent my entire high school experience trying to get some sort of physical contact with you. I don't know why I want it so bad. But I've done really stupid things just to get a hug or a touch or anything. I've made myself cry in front of you, I've given you birthday gifts so you'd like me more, I've told you about my past with the hopes that you might feel bad for me. None of my scheming has worked yet. Do you hate me, or are you just completely stupid? Probably both. Either way, I live for the challenge. One day I'll trick you into it, if it's the last thing I do!

-while you were kissing her i was lying in bed dreaming it was me.

-look at the mona lisa. shes smiling. is she happy? she looks happy, so what does it matter. not everything is as it seems.

Update #18

2006-08-28T03:57:20Z

Alright guys, I'm back. Sorry for the delay

-After the doctors weigh me and they're not looking because they're busy writing, I move the counter over and make myself 103 pounds so that the next person who comes in to get weighed doesn't laugh at how fat and disgusting I am.

-Just because I was drunk didn't mean I would listen to you when you tried to sweet talk me into sleeping with you. I'm not stupid. You're a disgusting pig and I'd like to keep my virginity, thanks.
I'd tell you all of this directly, but I think the way I slapped you across your face in front of all of your friends got the point across much better.

-I really really want to start working out. But I don't.
Not because I don't have time, because I have plenty.
Not because I don't have money, because I have plenty.
Just because I'm afraid I will lose my boobs if I do.
And they are the only things I like about myself.
        Response: As long as you don't work out your chest area, your boobs will stay the same. Just avoid exercises or machines that involve stretching your chest muscles. When you work out your legs, arms, abs, back, etc., your boobs won't be affected.
Trust me. :)

-I constantly fantasize about my funeral. who would be there, what the eulogies would be like. if any of my favourite teachers would show up...if any of them would even miss me. if my parents would listen to my wishes and scatter my ashes in africa so I could be free, or if they would just give me a proper jewish burial because that's all they know how to do. if any of my friends would cry for me. what kinds of flowers people would give to my family. And would my mother cry, or would she just be silent? what about my father? Would anyone cry for me?
        Response: I would.

-tonight you really pissed me off
just thought id share

-I "drank" for the first time last night, but they gave me so little that all I felt was a bit dizzy, and like I could laugh a little easier. After that was gone I felt exactly the same as I always do- serious and annoyed at anything not as serious as me.
worst thing was, I told my best friend and my boyfriend that someone spiked my drink when I really drank willingly. guilty guilty guilty.

-remember me? i said i would always be there for you. i stand by that. but your just too absorbed in your own misery to notice that i care

-the reason i hate all your female friends who i don't know is because i'm jealous. i'm jealous because what if you wake up one day and decide to be with them, when all i really want is for you to be with me.

-i've been listening to johnny cash all fucking day. i love my life.
             Response: me too! I didn't know there were any other johnny cash fans around. rock on!

-if our hearts are constantly broken, and our trust constantly betrayed, how will we ever really truly know love?

-my heart is pumping for love.
you left me longing for you.

-what you said just made my heart skip a beat.

-im over you but im still kind of jealous.

-I've only told about ten people that I have severe clinical depression and take Prozac for it. Most of the people were shocked and couldn't believe that I, of all people, would be so sad when I seem so happy. The other three people, my closest friends, just gave me a look and said, "Duh. And it's about time you got help for it." I guess it made me realize that there really are people out there who know me well enough and love me enough to look past my actions and see the real me. Not only see it, but accept it and still remain friends with me no matter how messed up I get.
         Response: i love you<33 always know that.

-I hope you don't sit next to me in class. That would be annoying.

-I hate talking to you. Enough with your love sickness. Shut up and stop being such a fucking girl. You have a penis. Act like it.

-please promise me that tomorrow starts with you

-i cant stop dreaming about you

-I'd be so happy to drown in you right now. to fall asleep and be floating on water or air and never wake up to a headache and cold reality that I find so often. I just want to fall into you and never come back out.

-Last night I got in bed and stayed there for 2 hours trying to sleep, but being too busy thinking about you. I imagined that conversation that I've been waiting to have with you ever since 9th grade. I wrote a script for it in my head and pictured your face when I told you. The way I imagined saying it, I was strong and I didn't cry. In real life I cried though. I cried into my pillow and tried to stop thinking about you because I knew you weren't thinking about me. And I knew that even if I told you, you couldn't possibly understand how much you mean to me. We barely even know each other. But you saved my life. You caused a lot of damage in the process, but in the end you saved me. I want you to know that. Maybe I'll tell you on my last day of school when I'm a senior. And then you'll finally give me that hug I've been dreaming about. And I'll know that you meant to save me, and that you're happy I didn't do it. And I'll know that you were worth it.
P.S. -I'm really sorry about that time I said you looked like an oompa loompa. it would have hurt my feelings too. but that's what you get for using fake tanner!

-i can't wait to be healthy.

-thank god u left for college. i was either gonna kill you or fuck you.

-we had a huge falling out a while ago. you hurt my feelings and made me cry, and i hurt you back. we were pretty stupid for that, but you still annoy me sometimes with the way you're changing. I don't know how hanging out with you will turn out. I hope it goes well though because I can't do that again.
I've missed you though. I want you to know that.

-I love you.

-i can't talk to him. look how funky he is.

-i`m the worst catholic in the world.

-I'm seriously the luckiest person alive because I'm dating him.

-Your food makes me sick. I just say it's good to be polite. Seriously though, you can't cook.

-I am so worried. I think I know who it is. I'm afraid to ask, because if it really is him, I don't know what I'd do. My life would be over if anything ever happened to him.

Update # 17

2006-08-23T03:46:52Z

Yeah, I know I know. It's been forever since I updated but I've been volunteering at a camp for mentally disabled kids and after a full day of running after the same autistic 7 year old, I'm a bit wiped and updating this site is my last priority. So, the next update may not be until the weekend. Sorry for the inconvenience.

-i wanna put on my boogie shoes.

-Mama, a year ago today you passed away and I'm still not ready to let you go..

-Yeah, but you'll live in his house, eat his food and spend his FUCKING MONEY, you whore!!!

-If I had never met you and you hadn't taught me the things you did.. I would have killed myself last year. Thank you. You saved my life.

-I stole things from the prize cart. 1 panera gift card, 1 applebees gift card, 1 bookmark, 1 eraser and 4 gummies. Everyone else was stealing them also, and it's not like there wasn't enough stuff for the kids...but I still feel SO guilty.

-I've had dreams involving Mr. Tesar, Mr. Pal, Dr. Fryling and Mr. Goodstone banging each other. (it's obvious who this is...whatever.)

-You're being a huge pain in the ass right now.
I wish you would stop talking..........
STOP!
STOP TALKING!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT.

-i just want love.
and it`s all i ever wanted.

-Hi mom. Remember last night when we were walking in huntington and that guy in his car said that stuff to me? Well it really bothered me that you tried to pretend it didn't happen. Because I know you saw it. When I woke up this morning I sat on the stairs and listened to you talking to Bubby on the phone. You didn't know I was listening, but I heard every word. "This guy called her a fat slut...she looked like she was going to cry...I don't know what to do with her...I'm worried that boys won't like her...and Bob says that she's at a high risk for breast cancer because of her weight...we try not to talk about it with her because then she might get an eating disorder...blablabla".
I hate it when you and dad treat me like I'm a science experiment or something. You're not always going to get the result you wanted. I'm sorry if you're embarrassed of me. I'm even more sorry if you're worried about me. But honestly, you don't have to do anything with me. I'll do it for myself. I wish you had enough faith in me to let me do it for myself. And I wish you woudln't lie to me anymore.

-i want to be happy and i want you to be happy, but we both can't be happy together and it kills me

-on that night you did all these things to me that i didn't want you to.the first problem was that i didn't stop you and the second was that i enjoyed it. but you were drunk and didn't care just as long as you got some action. something that you most likly told all of your little friends about the next day. all the things that you did to me still haunt my thoughts but now i've got an even bigger problem. i want you to do it again. i want to feel your touch on my skin. for a whole summer i've thought back to that night with mixed emotions but now i just want to forget it completely.i wish i had never met you.

-i'm still attracted to you somewhat.
i think back to last summer and how every sentence you said that contained my name was the center of my life for a week.
it isn't that kind of attraction anymore.
but i wonder sometimes if you ever want the same or wish things had turned out differently or are somewhat attracted to me at all.
but then i realize i'm being irrational and i come back to reality.
i just really want to kiss you again.

-When you left, I cried, though briefly, but still, not much can bring me to tears. Only minutes later I heard a car door slam outside my window and rushed there to see if it was you coming back. When it wasn't, I regained my senses. You're leaving. You will never have the same place in my life that you have had for these past few months. I may not see you again for a very long time.
These are not my fears, they are a reality.
And though I may not have conveyed the message well enough in your presence or in your yearbook...
I love you.
And I am going to miss you terribly.

-I hate that I'm not talking to you right now. What we did was awkward for me, which made it awkward for you. And I hate it. I hate how you pressure me. I hate how you make me feel inadequate just by being a few years older and by having a few more sexual encounters. I hate how I want to save myself for someone else but I keep letting you take these things from me without trying at all. I hate that I can't speak to you like your other friends can. I have no references to anything, and the conversation I have with you seems so stupid in comparison. I think you like talking to me because I'm simple, but I feel SO stupid! it hurts every time you reach for a piece of ass because I'd rather just kiss you all day. and it rips a piece of my heart out when you act as if everything should be what you want when you want it. you make me feel like I'm ten again. and I'd love to say "fuck you, asshole. you're the worst person I've ever met" but somehow I can't. I just fucking like you too much.

-I hate that I'm not talking to you right now. What we did was awkward for me, which made it awkward for you. And I hate it. I hate how you pressure me. I hate how you make me feel inadequate just by being a few years older and by having a few more sexual encounters. I hate how I want to save myself for someone else but I keep letting you take these things from me without trying at all. I hate that I can't speak to you like your other friends can. I have no references to anything, and the conversation I have with you seems so stupid in comparison. I think you like talking to me because I'm simple, but I feel SO stupid! it hurts every time you reach for a piece of ass because I'd rather just kiss you all day. and it rips a piece of my heart out when you act as if everything should be what you want when you want it. you make me feel like I'm ten again. and I'd love to say "fuck you, asshole. you're the worst person I've ever met" but somehow I can't. I just fucking like you too much.

-the sweater you gave me is my favorite piece of clothing. the shirt too. I feel like myself, like I can hide inside the cloth and just block out everything, or not exist, or feel you moving inside me. it's like my secret from you, and if I told you how much I like wearing this stuff it would probably freak you out, and you'd laugh about it.. but I'm so serious. I love it. I love you.

-you say you buy me things to make up for the words that I say... how I feel about you maybe, or the poetry I write about you or for you, or for me, even. but words only last so long and they tend to fade, and I'm running out of them. what happens then? what happens when I have nothing to give back for everything you do for me?
I feel like if I'm giving nothing to you, you shouldn't have to give anything back.
Response: "I watch you through the window, and I stare at you
you wear nothing but you wear it so well.
Tied up and twisted, the way I'd like to be
for you, for me
come crash into me
((in a boy's dream))"

-I feel like I don't have any real friends.

-Since we broke up all I ever wanted was for the day to come where you would tell me you loved me again and for you to be mine; I'm still waiting for that to happen. I know how you feel about me still, you've confessed it to me over and over again, I just can't believe nothing's changed at all. And now you're leaving and you'll forget about me and meet new people and find a new girl and your feelings for me will fade. But I guess I want you to know you'll always be in my heart, I'd wait for you forever if it meant I could have you again. When I said I'd never leave you, I meant that.

I love you honey, I'd give anything to hear that back.

-I feel like our friendship is so forced now. We've spoke on the phone and I only thought it seemed like that because our phone conversations about anything but us always sounded like that, but then I saw you today and it just wasn't us.

I felt so subdued speaking to you. It was like seeing my mom's side of the family. I can't say what I really feel because they don't understand my humor and because I have more liberal opinions on things when they're more conservative. I used to be able to say what I want. All I want to tell you is how much I love you. I just want to lean over and kiss you even if its only on the cheek. I would be so satisfied just to sit and stare at your forever, but I can't.

Its differnt now. We're different and it will always be different. We'll be censored and fenced off from now on and there's nothing either of us can do about it. Time does not heal and seeing you more often won't help either. Its so far past the point of no return. There's no going back and it kills me.

-this is my 37th secret and I've posted 6 replies. I keep trying to remember how many I've posted, and now I won't forget again.

-I'm sorry for being so mean to you. When I feel weird around someone, that's how it comes out. Our friendship now makes me so uncomfortable, I'm kind of glad you're leaving.

-My grandfather who I have always loved and who has always been there for me in every possible way, who I know truly cares for me and would do anything for me, and can always make me smile no matter what, is dying and there's nothing anyone can do about it. My other grandfather, who has never hugged me or kissed me or told me he loves me, who hates me not only because I'm a worthless girl but also because I'm adopted, which makes me disgusting to him, and believes that my dreams and aspirations are stupid and I'll never achieve them, is perfectly healthy and happy. And I hate hate hate hate myself because I know in my heart that I wish it was the other way around.

-I should feel lucky. My family isn't too rich, but we have a house and food and the luxuries that come along with a suburban lifestyle. No one in my family who I'm really close with has died, unless you count my cat. and I should feel lucky that I even had a cat. I get good grades and although I'm not amazingly good at anything, I'm not horrible at too many things either. I can see and hear and walk. I can carry a tune. I have pretty hair. My parents could afford to get me braces. My mother was never an alcoholic and my father never beat me. I'm just a normal girl with no real problems. I should feel lucky.
But the thing is, I never do. I'm not always depressed...but usually I am. It really scares me that no matter how good my life is, I'll never be truly happy with it. I find it disgusting that I can see movies or read books about people who have nothing, and yet I can still complain about my life. I just want peace with what I can and can't do. I'm only human. I keep forgetting.

-whenever i listen to music, i feel like im not completely alone in the world.