|Update #39 (Wayyy overdue)
||[Tuesday, May 15th 2007]
-They say that good guys date hot girls and marry cute girls
But when you're one of those cute girls....
It just sucks waiting...
-Just know I'm waiting for your im
-I wish I was one of those girls with fun quotes from her best friends on the bottom of her profile.
I wish I was one of those girls with best friends.
-I wish you would just call. It's been three days and you're making me extremely nervous. What should I be doing differently?
-I don't know why I always end up being the other girl...but I'm getting sick of it.
-hours pass, and she still counts the minutes that i am not there.
i swear i didn't mean for it to feel like this,
like every inch of me is bruised. and don't fly fast,
oh pilot can you help me, can you make this last?
this plane is all i got so keep it steady now,
cause every inch you see is bruised.
-You give me chills, in a good way though. I love you.
-I double and triple think about every little word I im you, just to make sure I don't say anything wrong. And just so you know, I never really have a question...I make it up to initiate a conversation with you; not that they ever last very long...but for a moment, I made you think of me.
-sure, i'm a fucked up girl with a huge screwed up past, but i still wish someone would give me the chance to be myself, instead of the preconceived notions people have of me. then maybe someone could see that despite all the mess, i'm worth being friends with.
-i shouldn't want you...and i've never wanted you before...you're not my type..too cocky..too confident...out of my league
but i do
..and rest assured, i have no problem going after what i want ;)
-Every moment I've spent with you has been the best moment of my life. Even the time when I was crying. I love you, I love you, I love you.
-i've never really loved anything
except being on stage
i wish i could live forever in that moment of character, and applause.
when that moment is over, i always cry. i know ill miss it. i know nothing else on earth can ever make me feel as complete as i feel when im up there
-I secretly wish that all those times you walk past me and say hi, you'd actually stop to talk with me instead.
-i recently realized that i hate you. a lot. youre such a fake dl slut. stfu. no one cares that you cut yourself. i hope you do it more often.
-I did it for you. Because I thought you would be proud of me.
-I love staring at you. I'm trying to stop liking you but you're so nice to look at.
Ugh why couldn't it have been you?
-I tired so hard to avoid you noticing me, because I didn't want to explain. But because you did and I didn't really acknowledge you, I feel awful. Even if it really shouldn't mean anything, it's just all my imagination and wishes.
-I always get what I want from guys. I don't even try. Even if it takes a bit I get everyone I want.
It makes me think I'm going to eventually get you too. I hope you don't ruin my perfect record.
-I have a buddy alert for when you come online, just so I can stare at your screenname wondering what you're doing, and hoping whatever it is will involve iming me.
-I used to never even check this site. Then I would check it on occasion, never post. Then I posted once or twice, and checked more frequently. And now, as I see how many secrets of mine have gone into the past few updates...it scares me. And now this is another.
-How can people tell me to be optimistic when everywhere I turn I'm constantly being put down? I would love to find something that I am truely happy about, something good. But I've gone over my life so many times, and there's nothing. Absolutely nothing.
-I've told myself over and over again to the point where I'll finally believe it...I've told myself that I'm not in love with you, that you're simply my good friend.
But really, I'm fuckin' in love with you, man. And there are times when you look at me, really look at me, really stare into my eyes and I swear, I can see, for a split second, that you're finally falling for me as well.
Too bad you've just dove into a relationship with a girl who will never be as good for you as I could be. Just one chance, just once let me love you.
-I read this site and postsecret when I should be writing an 8page paper that is due in a day and a half.
-I go into withdrawal when I don't see you for long stretches of time. Meaning I literally lie in my bed shaking and calling out your name and making my parents wonder what the hell kinds of drugs I'm on.
-fyi, there is a hell of a lot under my exterior. i just never say anything about it and cover up, very well, any possible emotion to hint to it.
-You see there's this boy, who I maybe kinda sorta head-over-heels
-like- love, but he doesn't know, and I'm too shy to say anything.
-Please, remember me
-I've never been the angry-jealous type when it comes to guys. If a girl started flirting with a guy I liked, I'd never feel anger towards the girl. And then I saw you with him. I had heard that you wanted to get in his pants and that you were going to go for him, no matter how out-of-bounds he may be, but I didn't actually think you'd try anything. And then there you were. You were only chatting with him, but anyone could blatantly see that you crossed the line of "casual talk" and into the land of "talking while seductively messing with his mind". The hair flip, girlish giggle, showing off your boobs; you name it, you did it. I shouldn't have been mad at you. It's not like you know I have a huge thing for him. And yet there I was, beginning to seethe. I couldn't stand seeing you with him, not in the slightest. It ripped me to pieces inside and all I wanted was to throw something at you, preferably something heavy and sharp. Don't you get it? I love him! You just want to sleep with him. I would give my world for him to be happy. Just leave him alone before I explode!!!
-I've thought about what I'm going to do when I have to leave for college and I won't get to see you anymore. I won't be able to send you emails, because you asked us not to, and I won't be able to call you on the phone, because that would cross the line of what's appropriate.
Sometimes when I think about what I'm going to do, the only viable option is suicide, or hiding out, or running away.
However ridiculous or warped or disgusting or pathetic it is, I can't live without you. I'm so scared.
Something about you lights everything on fire but makes me feel like I'm standing out in the rain at the same time. When I feel like I'm worthless, you always push me to be a better person in character and in capability. And the thing is, you're always right about me. You have such high expectations of me, and I always manage to live up to them somehow. But I don't think I could be so brave and compassionate and understanding if it wasn't for you. You give me my strength and a richness that I've never seen in myself before. You inspire me to be a better person and to make things happen in my life. How can I give that up?
For whatever reason, I love you. The time when I have to say goodbye to you is looming ahead, and I'm never going to be ready for it
-Do you know how you can be talking to someone about something, and then stop, trailing off, although you are thinking something that you really wish you would just say out loud, but aren't sure if it's appropriate or if you should or something, but you really wish that you could continue speaking, or that someone would ask what you are thinking about, what you're hiding, because it seems so obvious that more is on your mind than where you ended the sentence? Yeah, that's about how I always seem to feel. Can someone please notice already and ask? I swear I won't be offended. And if I reply that it's nothing...don't believe me; trust me it's something I'm just terrified of confronting.
-Though this isn't my first Day of Silence, there was something bugging me more today than ever...
How is one person's sexual orientation anyone else's business, and WHY WOULD IT MATTER?! I mean, who the hell decided that a girl can't like a girl or guy can't like a guy? What difference does it make? It's not like it is harming anyone. Why should it matter who someone is attracted to? What are there cooties? It's no one's business just like it's no one's business to know what happens in a heterosexual relationship unless someone willingly tells others. But what's the fucking big deal about homosexuals?! Why must society even classify them as different? Are people afraid of their best same-sex friend suddenly trying to rape them? Girls and guys can be normal friends, even if all parties involved are heterosexual, so obviously so can girls and girls or guys and guys, even if all are homosexual.
Honestly, what the fuck is happening to this world?
-you are sitting behind me right now, and i don't even think you know that you are my whole world and will always be with me. you are the rest of me that i've always been looking for. hearing your lips smacking as you eat that gross ham sandwich makes me happier than anything, ever; being with you is being perfect.
-Mr. Paltrowitz. I felt like I was choking on every note today. I haven't hated choir so much since...ever. I feel dirty and disgusting for singing today. And as much as I'd like to blame it on myself for being a push-over, it's not my fault. I couldn't even talk to defend myself! I feel like punching your brains out, you whore!
Okay. I feel better. The shirt you were wearing was a good colour for you, by the way.
-Maybe if I was just a little bit thinner....
-I wish you had a crush on me again. When you did, we were so close and we always talked. Now I feel like you've completely brushed me off. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. Whenever you find a new girl, you have this tendency to brush off the old girl and everyone who you befriended because of her. Do I even matter to you anymore?
-I could definitely see us together.
-Nobody thinks I'm worth it.
-I wish that could have been for me. I really miss you for some reason.
-I really need you to fuck my brains out. Right now.
-I really wish I could go to the top of a mountain and scream out, "I LOVE YOU [your name]!" My luck however would cause an avalanche, and I'd die before the echoing reached you.
-Dear Randy Brachman,
your away messages always suck.
-I find it funny that you're a vegetarian all of a sudden. I truly enjoy the look on your face when you see a big, juicy hamburger. (Come on, you know you want one!)
-Here's a fun fact: YOU'RE A DIPSHIT!
-I don't understand why I keep falling for the wrong guys. Whether they're ex boyfriends, or like/are dating someone else, totally out of my reach or some combination...
It's so annoying!
-Whoever I love in the future will have to deal with only having half my heart. In a way, you'll always be the one for me.
-I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was that I can't wait for school today so I can see you.
-I still want to kiss you.
-As disgusted as I am with you, and as much as I never want to speak to you ever again, if you asked me if I wanted to do stuff, I would probably still do it after a split second of hesitation even though it would be the dumbest decision ever.
-May 19th 2007. Probably going to be up there on one of the most awkward nights ever. Yep . .
-i put every love song on my ipod into a playlist labeled with your name.
-I keep getting mad at you for small things. I wake up in the morning pissed off and expecting you to apologize and when you don't I get even more upset. I hope this isn't an omen.
-I hope it's true.
-I love your laugh your smile you glances at me, absolutely everything about you
-i was never close enough with anyone to ask them this. does anyone else besides me pretend that the person they like is in the mirror and kiss it?
this isn't really a secret, but it's like a secret question, so don't yell at me.
-Doesn't it seem a bit strange that whenever you look over at me, I'm already looking at you? Haven't you noticed that I'm constantly staring with pleading eyes trying to tell you what's inside? Trying to tell you my whole life and deeper? I don't know if you're oblivious, don't see it as anything unusually, or are perhaps thinking that there's something more, but please tell me if you are debating if it is coincidence or not. Everytime I look at you, I have something to say, with an underlying meaning of the fact that, I love you...please notice me, I don't know how many more imaginary dreams of you, of us, I can take.
-I AM NOT MEAN BY NATURE. seriously!
-you make it so hard for me to hate you. you act like a bitch and i think to myself, "there's no way she doesn't know she's doing this" and then when you see me the next day everything is supposedly fine and if i look upset you rush to ask me what's wrong. it's such a messed up scheme. a part of me still likes you, and it's great that you're with him but hearing descriptions of everybody you like lately and how you're not convinced you're in love with this one or you're enfatuated with the other one... i just feel it's a bit insensitive and rude. and if you really didn't want to go through with the other thing, you should've just said so instead of letting me anticipate that you might do it.
-I cannot wait for you to come home.
-I want a hug that never ends. I want to stay in your embrace forever, safe from the world, with you squeezing me tight, so that I know you care. I'd be willing to start with just a simple hug though....everyone else hugs you, may I please too? And if so, then maybe you'd notice that my hug to you is different from other hugs, because its filled with all my love, and then, maybe you'd never let go of me. Just never let go.
-you have the cutest arms in the world.
-I wonder if you read this site, and if so, if you know that I not only read this site but post quite a lot, comparatively, on it. I wonder if you've thought if any of the posts are mine. I wonder what you think of me. I wonder if you realize how shy and fragile I am, even though I've done a good job in hiding it. I wonder if you think I'm just an innocent little girl, with virgin eyes and ears are thoughts, naïve to teenage reality, just like everyone else thinks I am. I wonder if, as you read this, if you read this, you are contemplating if I am the author, but doubting it because, this is me you're thinking about after all. I wish you would realize it's me.
-none of you will ever see me again. i wonder if any of you will wonder how i'm doing, or wish we got to know eachother more.
-I'm afraid that I would lose control over myself again if I ever got too close to you.
-when i'm upset i listen to sad evanescence songs.
-I kind of wish that entry on your livejournal that you wrote sometime in april was for me. I doubt it was though, because it doesn't completely make sense. I doubt that I could have affected you that much
-I miss the old you. No, I'm not stalking you you fucking arrogant retard. I hate what you've become and I regret doing anything with you. I miss the old you. I miss my best friend. I miss the guy that wasn't so lost and obsessed with all this attention. I get so depressed when I see you that I actually try to avoid you. So it's kinda weird that you think I'm following you.
I just want you to be my best friend again. I want the old you back. What we had was so perfect, even just as friends.
I regret fucking it up so badly. You'll never understand.
-Please think of me
-I would love to be able to speak my mind- it hurts to bite my tongue all the time. But no one ever likes what I have to say, so it's better to keep my mouth shut I guess; no one can see internal pain, and outside mockery stings worse, maybe.
-I just hope that, before we graduate next year, I'll be able to tell you. I doubt even on graduation day, when I know I'll never see you again, I'd have the strength to admit it, that, for four years (by then), I've been in love with you. You'd really never guess it, and we'd never get a chance to be alone anyway, we're not that close of friends as it is. And I absolutely hate hoping that things will change, I just can't let go of you for whatever crazy reason. I guess I'm just lovesick, and as I don't get typical "crushes," I'm falling completely for you (please catch me). And listening to all the songs that you love, reminding me of you every moment.
I actually don't think I've ever survived without some sort of love. Not crush, love. Since I can remember, I've thought about someone in my dreams and before I fell asleep. It was one person for the longest of time, I refused to give up, even after going our separate ways. But, I knew I loved you when I had not one problem thinking of you, not him, before I went to bed, as you infiltrated my thoughts and dreams. I had gotton over him, knowing that it wasn't right, but you, you are still with me, and this love, yes love, being older, is going to be a lot harder to move on from. A LOT harder. And there's still that inkling of hope that...maybe I won't have to...but the flicker of light is fading fast, and I fear that my mind knows the truth my heart refuses to accept.
wow. that was a lot it seems.
And what I kinda just realized, is that the reason I am like this, in such need of love that never existed, is that, I really don't have anyone who I can talk to, openly and honestly, without having to seem brave, just being, me. Okay- déjà vu in writing this addition but anyway- I mean, in particular a male person to just hug and feel protected with, I've never felt that. I actually really want to give a life story here but, I won't, I just, I've never felt safe within someone's arms, I've never been within a male's arms, and, I need that. I need to know that there is someone in this world to care for me, and, pardon the selfishness, but, only me. I never had the love that a child should get, quite the opposite, and I wish so much for it. I feel like I'm missing a piece of me, and, I just need someone.
Particularly though, I need you. Maybe I'm just intuitive or maybe I'm crazy, but I, I just know that I need you to be the figure that I never had, well, that's a little skewed but, it's complicated.
-9th period today i didn`t feel like speaking.
i went into the bathroom and i sat there.
i texted "I wonder if anyone's caring where i am right now. what i`m doing."
i deleted it, not sending it to anyone.
i said it out loud.
there was no change, i didn`t feel different.
nobody came into the bathroom. no one.
i glanced at myself in the mirror, hoping it was someone prettier.
but alas, `twas i. and then i left.
-not lust- i don't really desire much
not greed- i really don't give a damn about material possessions
not gluttony- ha that's funny
not sloth- i hate sitting on my butt
not wrath- i don't show rage
not pride- not exactly miss self confidence here
no. not those.
ENVY is my deadly sin.
-a part of me is still in love with you.
-i don't want to go to my prom
and i certainly don't want to go to my graduation
fuck every last one of you cocksuckers
-I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!
-I just don't care about my life anymore. It feels so good to not be scared. It's also strange, because I know I should be.
-i needed you too.
-I wonder if anyone realizes that I come home and blast my music- yes normal music i.e. fall out boy, the fray, postal service, etc. - while dancing around like an absolute idiot singing into my hairbrush, until someone comes home that is.
-and maybe, just maybe, if i'm really lucky, and something odd comes over you, you'll ask me to dance even just one dance at junior prom. just maybe.
-When our eyes met across the cafeteria on Friday, and you gave me a half-hearted smile, I was almost wishing that I hadn't ended it. You're a nice boy, and there was definitely something I had liked about you, maybe even loved a little bit.
-i'm not fucking good enough.
-This is the first mother's day where you actually believed me when I told you that I appreciate you. I'm sorry I've cause so many problems lately. You deserve a better daughter than me.
-No, not right now. Not at all.
-my life means nothing without you in it. if you hadn't said you'd forgiven me, i would have found a way to kill myself. i wanted to until you said you still loved me. im so sorry. i have never regretted something so much.
-I don't know what I would have done without you. Probably not that much. Thanks for being so nice to me this year. I know I already told you, but I don't think you understand how much your kindness means to me. I'll always remember you. And when I finally go on my big adventure, I'll be able to thank you for it.
-do you ignore me because i told people make it known that i'm done with you, or because you feel the same way about me?